Ex pays for his new kids to go private school, but not ours?

[1Rebecca]

My ex and I have a 13 year old child together, who lives in the UK with me. My ex lives in France with his wife and 2 children (10 and 9), where our child spends time, as we have a split custody arrangement based on our child’s school holidays. He pays me around £400 a month (our own arrangement) in child support, but I don’t know what earns exactly - his wife stays home.

I explained all of the above for context. I found out this summer when my child stayed over there, that his two other children would start going to private school (they do now) - my child was naturally really upset. They told me that they spoke to their father, who told them that he couldn’t afford to send them to private school in the UK as it’s too expensive even if he split the cost with me.

Upon hearing this, I asked for an explanation as to why he thought this was fair, and why he isn’t obligated to pay for ours. He told me that he feels as though he isn’t obligated to do that, as he only started paying for their private education this school year as the older other child will now be in secondary education (I called it that so it’s understandable for us UK folks), and it is affordable (I can’t verify as I don’t know where they study) there. I then asked why does the younger child need to go to private school now in that case, which he said was because his wife asked for them to have the same treatment and is supposedly using her savings to help pay, as it was her will for the younger one to go earlier. I then asked him why he didn’t extend that offer to our child when they started secondary, which he said he didn’t because no one asked and it’s too expensive in the UK. I asked him to take our child with him in France during the school year and that I’d help pay for private schooling, but he refuses to as his wife doesn’t our child there for the entire school year. I told him that he’s being unfair, but he keeps on saying that it’s not comparable as the kids live in different countries, with different parent, and thus different circumstances, and I’m apparently in the wrong for “comparing children.”

I initially let it go, but our child is upset over this and I’m getting angrier thinking about this over time, as I feel as I’m at a loss. I can’t afford to send my son to private school here, nor do I feel safe sending him to a private boarding school in France. I’ve asked him to pay more child support, but my ex thinks it’s me being petty/vengeful as he thinks he already pays a lot, but I think he should do more as he does he seems to do a lot for his other kids. AIBU?

I am not "unhinged." Why would I consider private school if I know I cannot afford it. I literally cannot afford to pay more than £7500, my maximum, a year, so why would I expect my ex to pay the remaining £20k it costs in the UK? It's natural I wouldn't consider private school as I didn't know it was an option.

Partially in response to a previous comment, my child is academic, they're smart and enjoy learning. I would've sent them to grammar school instead of causing all this fuss, but I can't because it's more than 1 hour away from where we live, and at age 11 when kids are enrolled, it's too long of a distance to travel alone.

What is so unbelievable in sacrificing yourself for a child, so they can have the best chances in life. I don't want them to struggle, like I have, they have potential and they can go far in life with the right environment.

Most countries have poorer people who don't get the bells and whistles growing up. I did 3 activities growing up, all at different times, and all very low cost. It was fine, i got a taste of a few different things. I'm intrigued by the attitude of many on here that a state school is akin to throwing your child in the woods and letting them fend for themselves. They surely cannot be that bad!?!

OP the problem is that you’ve been private school and gone “ooh ooh not fair”. These children are at school in France, you need to understand both the French state and private system to even have a clue of the education is better or not. It may well be that your children state education in England is better than the French private school education and better suited to the needs of your child.

it is utter madness to throw your child into an entirely new school system at 13 and uproot them into a different language, different culture and different friendship groups just so you can say “woo hoo, my child is being treated equally” in reality your likely giving your child worse education as they’ll be so unfamiliar with the French system and will be considerably more stressed

if you feel your child needs extra tuition or support, yes get their father to help pay for it but spending your time trying to compare your child’s experience to his French siblings ones is madness because they’re so entirely incomparible

I think both you and your EXH are wrong, though in different ways.

I think OP, you have assumed wrongly that "private" in France is equal in cost and quality to "private" schools here. Simply not the case.

However I feel where your EXH is very wrong is sharing this information unknown to you with your child without making it absolutely clear what a difference and distinction exists between the two. In reality the children in France being privately educated are likely receiving a very similar quality education to your child, but the word "private" has misled them into thinking they are somehow less worthy in their Father's eyes, which is awful. Big mistake here and some explanations and apologies would be helpful.

I Don't think you come out of this well sorry. And I think you could have handled it better.

Maybe research some things for DS to do that he might be interested in and speak to a couple of tutors. When you speak to ex you can put this to him rather than sounding like tit for tat and just wanting more money.

How often is your son with his dad?

Ah. So it’s bitter ex wife syndrome.

Say no more, all is clear.

It sounds like his wife is paying for most of it from her savings. And you want to ship your kid over so that she can start to pay for yours also it seems. Yabvu, almost CF territory I would say. No wonder your ex shot that down. You could look into a state boarding school in the UK, they exist and are a fair bit cheaper than private boarding schools, so you can still enjoy your CF days. Unbelievable.

OP if your son is smart and academic as you've said, he will.peobably have a better chance of getting into Oxbridge with 3 A or A* than he will with a baccalaureate because unless he's absolutely perfect (I mean way way above UK french standard written french) in French he won't get a 17 or 16. And then he won't get a look in at Oxbridge.

What's the prize here ? What does your son want to do (if he knows)? Where does he feel closer to UK or France? If UK and he wants to study here longer term focus on state school plus add ons and get the extra dosh from ex to help you

I cant get past you wanting to ship your child off to France tbh.

Would you be able to afford half the fees?

Don't think that just because his new kids with his new wife go to private school that he loves your child any less. It's clearly a different financial situation to do so. I do think however that your exh could understand the optics here and offer to pay for some extra private tuition or something, understandably he wants the best for his children so he may well be ok with that.

You aren’t sacrificing yourself to give him the best chance.

Theres a good chance it will go very wrong. Moving him so late. To a country he has only been on holiday in. Where one of the adults doesn’t want him there full time.

its more likely to go very wrong.

For info, the average cost of private collège (i.e. up to GCSE) in France is €650 a year.

https://www.europe1.fr/societe/combien-coute-lenseignement-prive-2863702

That's pretty arseholey tbh. I think OP might have a few issues to unpick (don't we all) but 'bitter ex wife syndrome' is needlessly nasty. Given you have no idea of their circumstances.

I understand but I haven't done that, in a response before I explained this better. I haven't said much besides, express that their perception of private schools being better can easily be mitigated by tutoring and extra curricular, and that their potential isn't determined by a school. I didn't even bad mouth their dad, but I did speak about this with my ex, as it was clearly hurting his self worth, and our does at least deserve the money to implement the mitigation tactics I proposed. Else, our chid has their own life, we don't discuss anyone in a bad light, as it would only hurt our child.

And if you do ship him off to France (would he even want to?) you can forget him returning to the UK for uni - would be massively expensive as an international student!

I agree but as someone who felt abandoned as a child - her ex needs to be very careful that his first child who may feel resentful does not grow up feeling he was treated unfairly compared to the children in his new family!

The op needs to be careful that she does not make her child feel like this too!

All of this could have been avoided if he had just picked up the phone and discussed this properly with the op before their child was told - rather than letting his child find out like that

I can see both sides but you have said that the step mother does NOT want your son there for the whole school terms.
In that case she wouldn't be welcoming to your son and it might be a difficult time.

Ask him to pay you the amount he pays for eldest child in France towards your school costs, you could top it up for private school here or use it for tutors, or save it for University costs.

Yes, you can summarise it like that, but then I know you've said that without reading my replies. It's clearly more than that.

I think now is a good opportunity for you to model positive behaviours to your son. Things like appreciating what we have in life and not being jealous or envious of other people. Comparison really is the thief of joy and a habit you do not want him taking into adulthood.

What is so unbelievable in sacrificing yourself for a child, so they can have the best chances in life. I don't want them to struggle, like I have, they have potential and they can go far in life with the right environment.

For the love of god, french private school is absolutely NOTHING like uk private school. For the upteenth time.

You are fixated on the word 'private'. And think your son is being done out of a top notch education that his half siblings are having endless money thrown at.

Its highly likely that the french private school they attend is no better or worse than the one your son attends in the UK.

French private school is very different to the UK.
I'll write that again for you.
French private school is very different to the UK.
My dc were educated for a large part of their lives in France. And also some years in the UK. They are not comparable. Hell, in the first french school (non private) they did horse riding and sailing for PE! In the 3 years they went to private (secondary school chosen because it was 600 euros a year (£480 at the time) and nearer and cheaper than getting them to the nearest non private secondary by bus.
And they did normal sports and had a normal day and nothing exceptionally different compared to the non private one they attended before or the uk state one my nieces and nephews attended.

Stop fixating on the word private and thinking your son has been hard done by by not getting this apparantly (in your mind) elite education his half siblings are getting.

I have no idea why you would try and send your child to another country, especially when your ex and his wife are reluctant to have him and uprooting him from his entire life. If you can afford 7k a year toward private school you could spend that instead on ubers to get your kid to grammar until you think it's safe for him to travel alone. Or for extra tutoring. By making a big fuss about this you are conveying to your ds that his life isn't good enough.

Private school in many European countries is totally different than in the UK, and yes many in France and Germany are Catholic and subsidized by the state. With the same curriculum!

Why are you causing so much uproar and sticking your child in the middle of this drama? Think of more creative ways to give your child a better education. He is also already in a great position if he is bilingual and spends time in France every year. He will also be able to get a free (or much cheaper) higher education in Europe once he is 18 if he is an EU citizen through his dad.

I understand, as Ive said before, I feel like he isn't considering well how our child feels, and isn't doing anything to improve the situation/mitigate the imbalance our child feels they have with their siblings.

So is the issue how your child feels.

Or that you feel he needs private school to succeed in life?

It seems like you're not doing anything to disabuse your son of the idea that he is hard done by and sound bitter and resentful, which I'm sure your son is picking up on, making him unhappy. Please focus on creating a full life in the UK rather than comparing your son's life to others.