Ex husbands childcare offer

[sparkellie]

What would you do if this was your ex partners offer of childcare for the following year?
I should add he has them every Sunday 7.30 - 4.30. The asterisk next to days marks them as a Sunday.
How would you respond?

What would happen if you said ‘I will be at work those days so I can drop them off at 7 or not at all as I’ll have to have made other arrangements. Let me know by the weekend. (I’d go with dropping them as he sounds so unreliable)
I guess if he says no you can’t work but you can’t really work anyway with those hours, honestly I’d die in a ditch before I went along with hours that meant I couldnt work anyway, if I had to give up my job I may as well spend time with my children!

Ah I see you don’t drive. I guess you say they are available until 7:30 when I have to make other arrangements, you could keep them overnight if you don’t want to collect them then.

Apart from the fact that I don't drive, so dropping them off isn't doable, that's pretty much where I am. It seems ridiculous to have to give up my job for the sake of a few weeks though, as it works well during term time.
Long term it may not be workable when my eldest leaves school, but for now I want to work where I can. I don't want to be in an even worse position with no pension etc even I'm older.

OP, this is what I did and there was a tribunal and as well as the chair there was an accountant on the panel. I'd made a list of all his likely outgoings like rent, council tax, dentist, barber, food, pet food, gas, electric, water, etc and they asked him for proof of what he spent each mo the. He had to provide bank statements. When it was all added up it was well over what he declared to be earning. He was self employed and clearly getting some people to pay him cash. He was ordered to pay me about 1/3 more than he did previously and was told if he didn't pay it there would be penalties and I seem to recall having his driving licence/passport taken away as a last resort. He paid up.

That's really interesting thank you.
Is it likely that he would be able to say his gf pays though? As I'm pretty sure they won't look into her earnings, as they aren't relevant. I know the house is hers, though no idea if he is now on the mortgage or even if there is one!

I'm sorry to keep quoting you, but I'm not sure I'm understanding.

How would it stop him chopping and changing and demanding his schedule take priority?

I understand in your circumstances it gave you certainty because, presumably, the father of your children wants to see his children and you both needed set days as your ex wasn't taking into account your needs.

But sparkellie is in a different situation. If I understand it, her ex doesn't really want to look after the children.

He's willing to do every Sunday and he's only offering more dates as a way to 'help'.

He's only ever going to look after the children on his terms only - even if there was a CAO in place, he could and would completely ignore it and just send his silly list of dates as per usual.

That leaves sparkellie in exactly the same place she's in now.

sparkellie is in a no win situation
His attitude is very much "these are the dates im willing to have the children - take it ir leave"

What's he done previously? Do you usually have them the whole school holidays or something similar to this? His girlfriend is willing to pick them up slightly earlier, and he has never had overnights? How is this different to every other year? Is it better or worse than what he has done previously?

Previous years he has done more. Normally he has 2 weeks in summer holidays, and sorts all Christmas and Easter, as I can't get those off work. Also until he moved in with his gf last year he used to have the kids after school once a week, but that stopped pretty much as soon as he moved because it was costing him too much in petrol and the kids were spending most of the time in the car.

I think you need to have a chat with the kids and explain that if they dont stay overnights some times then you are at risk if losing your job. Ex has offered to have them over nights so sounds like the reason they cant be there 50% of holidays is their refusal to stay over

I'm not going to do that.
He hasn't made them comfortable there, or encouraged them to spend more time there, I'm not going to be the parent that makes them stay somewhere they don't want to be. Plus he doesn't have enough rooms for them both to stay anyway.

That's the point really - he doesn't get to call the shots if there is an order in place. He doesn't get to change dates because the OP has the law on her side and can just refuse. There's nothing he can do. If he chooses to ignore it he will be in breach and can ultimately be forced to pay compensation and/or do unpaid work as well as having to pay her legal costs. He can have assets seized or even be sent to prison.

My ex managed 3 months then disappeared. He hated that he had no control over us anymore. I could have had the order enforced but to be honest we were glad to be rid of him as there was dv.

It was the single best thing I did to take back control over my life. I'm not saying it's perfect by any means but it definitely helped me immensely.

You absolutely cannot insist a man has his kids, cao or not. These penalties just don’t in practice happen.

They would not let ok at his gf money but they expect him to pay half on all bills. He'd need to produce a set of accounts he'd submitted to HMRC, also bank statements.

Also you can point to his earnings in previous years and they want to know why they are lower this year.

I feel and I think you know this you are just going to have to do your best with the situation and hopefully his parents may help out.
You can't afford not to work but aren't you entitled to any benefits as a carer for your eldest child or if you receive dla have you thought about employing somebody on the direct payments route which is something you need to look at going forward for when your eldest leaves school?
I can't imagine their being any respite care available with the state of social care ATM but you must start looking at moving forward that way.
I am sorry you lost your husband too you are having it tough right now.
Now is the time to sort out the next few years or at least get an idea of your options going forward until your child is 18 and then beyond. Are you claiming everything you are entitled to?

I've known CAOs to be enforced.

In reality in many cases enforcement is not sought but it absolutely can be.

OP, then gently, what are you expecting?

He would have them overnight, which would solve a lot of your problems, but the children don't want too, and you support that.

It's a bit like me saying I have a free nursery available, but my DC don't like it, so they can't go. And now I can't work. Well...I can work, it's just I choose not to use the help available, which is of course my choice, but I can't make that choice then complain I can't go to work.

If you have made the decision (albeit because the DC find his house unwelcoming) that they can't stay overnights, then you can't also complain that he's not there to-ing and fro-ing every day at the time you prefer, to accommodate your work. The overnight accommodates your work, and you won't allow that.

You need to work on their overnight stays, get to the bottom of why they feel unsure about staying, and how this can be rectified. This is what's causing the issue.

Sharing a bedroom is the biggest problem he could make an effort to divide it but he hasn't not great for an 11 and 15year old different sex siblings one with autism and LDs. Father not really making the effort he could it's a bit of a vague offer.

I'm expecting him to be the one to make them want to stay. To spend time with them, not 9hrs a week, and regularly work at least some of that so his gf picks them up as he can't. For the days he's saying he will have them to be actual days not afternoons. Maybe for him to arrange some of his work around having them occasionally?
The only reason it's a long drive is because he moved so far away, and promised at the time that it wouldn't matter because he would be able to spend the money he was saving in rent/bills on petrol.
Or failing all of that pay a bit more maintenance?
But I appreciate it's probably not something he will ever do.

Also as I mentioned before he only has 1 spare room, so would only have one overnight anyway, meaning the travel wouldn't change. It's not up to me to ensure he has adequate housing to have them!

He hasn't offerer to have them overnight anyway!

I have to be fair and say he would probably rather have them overnight than have to do all the driving,

Yes, this is what would solve him going to and from your house twice a day, on consecutive days at times that affect your work

but they don't want to stay as he's never made them feel like it's their house.

He's not been there that long, and it's his gf's house, so it makes sense that they don't see it as their house... Why would they? It's where their dad has just moved too, and a strange place to them. Yes, he needs to make them feel welcome, but you aren't helping yourself with the "it's all down to him not me, and I won't make them" approach. It would help to explain that no "new house" will feel like theirs. No, they don't have a bedroom, but that doesn't mean they aren't wanted, the house was like that before the gf even met their dad, so now he lives there too, it's something you all need to work round together

They also only have 2 bedrooms, and at 11 and 15 of opposite sexes, sharing a room isn't an option

Ok, so one child has the spare room. The other can have their room. They can put a bed in the living room for the few days the DC are there. Or a divider in the spare room. You can all make a reason not too, or you can find a solution.

He's been there almost a year. He has had plenty of time if he'd wanted to take them to spend there, he doesn't want to. So sticks with his 9hrs a week.
He could do many things to help them settle there - suggestions from me aren't welcome though. So it doesn't matter what you suggest to me, or what I think or suggest to him, he won't act on it.
I'm pretty sure he's not gonna move his furniture around to have them overnight on my say so!!
Yes, there are workable ways he could have them wanting to stay. The problem is he doesn't want to. And whatever you might think about it, I am not going to force them to stay if he doesn't want them there. That's only going to make them feel unheard by me, and I'm not prepared to sacrifice my relationship with them to try and force one with him, especially going into their teenage years. His relationship or otherwise with his kids is not my responsibility, and it's not my job to facilitate it. He is more than capable, just chooses not to. If he wanted them there he would be moving heaven and earth to make it work, as I would if it was the other way round, and plenty on nrp do. I'm not sure why your so hellbent on making me solve the problems he has created??
If it helps he was in his last house 4years and it was the same there, so it's nothing to do with it being his gfs house or how long he's lived there.

Could ex have 15 yr old to stay over the weeks you need holiday care to work while 11 year old stays home?

Just to say as well I'm not sure why you think them staying overnight would be the answer, given that his availability was 11.30-6 on those days?
I was just musing that potentially it would be easier for him, he hasn't suggested overnights!