Ex husbands childcare offer

[sparkellie]

What would you do if this was your ex partners offer of childcare for the following year?
I should add he has them every Sunday 7.30 - 4.30. The asterisk next to days marks them as a Sunday.
How would you respond?

Honestly I don't know.
He thinks anything he does is to help me which is why he resents it so much. As far as he's concerned I am the main carer so all is my responsibility.

I’ve no advice but I just wanted to say I’m sorry op. It’s a fucking disgrace that men are allowed to do this leaving women to pick up
the pieces. Wtf would the govt do if women also decided to only pay £200 per month and refuse to have kids overnight?

You are doing an amazing job with no help at all. Your kids are lucky to have you.

I'd say that he's a dick, but a dick has a use.

I'm sorry you're having to deal with such a sad excuse for a father to your child.

I have to be fair and say he would probably rather have them overnight than have to do all the driving, but they don't want to stay as he's never made them feel like it's their house. They also only have 2 bedrooms, and at 11 and 15 of opposite sexes, sharing a room isn't an option.

First of all, I am so deeply sorry you have to deal with this sad excuse of a person in your life. He is quite clearly controlling and abusive and nobody deserves that. I am really not surprised his own children do not want to spend the night with him; which in itself speaks volumes. At least they have a loving caring mother more than happy to welcome them home when they can't wait to get away from their awful father.

He is quite clearly taking the piss with this arrangement and he has done it to suit all his own needs/wants without putting the children at the forefront of priority within the proposal of "childcare" (does he seriously think seeing and caring for his own children, is childcare?) I'm honestly confused as to how some individuals survive in this world with their sheer lack of understanding of it.

The times he has proposed for the days proposed are preposterous. The amount fo days proposed is preposterous. It feels like it's to ensure you're getting as little help and free time as possible, in order to restrict your ability to start work at a decent time and have any actual decent amount of time to yourself (again, controlling, which is abusive).

One can only imagine the type of individual his "girlfriend" is, unless she is as naive and blind as is predicted in order to actually date someone of such low moral standing. I do not understand how someone can see someone else treat their own children and mother of their children in such a careless and despicable manner and think it still worthwhile to pursue a relationship with them. Shocking really.

Tell him it isn't enough. Tell him you are not interested in his less than half-arsed offer of being an actual father to the children you both created and send him a proposition back with the dates and times YOU would prefer. A schedule that suits you and your children; who are the priority in this. Kindly remind him the world does not revolve around him, he has all the time in the world to do as he pleases with his life while you carry the dual-burden of single-handedly rearing your children and maintaining your home as well as working to provide for your children while he contributes a pitiful amount each month and seems to think that's his parenting done. Amazing.

If he throws the usual "they're your kids" comment at you that he seems to be fond of and tries all the usual pathetic techniques to escape the oh-so-daunting task of caring for the kids he created, tell him you will therefore have no other option but to pursue to elicit more child maintenance payments out of him, which is the very, very least he can do. Sending money is in no form a replacement of parenting. Remind him of that. £200 a month for two teenage children and one with additional needs is beyond a piss take. He is doing this to put a further strain on you and your finances which is again, controlling and abusive.

Do not let him get away with this. Be confident, be fearless, take no prisoners. Show him your self-worth and know it yourself. Show him his children have worth like you know they do, because clearly he is seriously undervaluing it.

Good luck - you got this

Might you be eligible for some funding for a PA through the short breaks team? Or whatever it is called in your area.
Would you qualify for carers allowance for your older child if you didn't work? Or worked less hours as it's different to UC they wouldn't be concerned with the bereavement payment. Might it work out better to reduce if so.
But you won't be eligible for carers if you get a pension or anything
But it could be worth looking at

I'd honestly go back with 50/50 week on and week off.

This is a negotiation so you need to go back with something he won't agree to so he will start negotiating down and you can negotiate up to at least EOW.

The problem is that he will just ignore anything he doesn't want to discuss.
The kids don't want to stay overnight, and I don't want to make them do something they aren't happy about. 11yo would probably stay on occasion, but 15yo def wouldn't. I don't want them to feel like I don't want them here, which is why if I'm home I will never force them to go to his.

Could you speak to his parents, show them what he has offered, explain that you need cover for work and ask if they will take them for some of the time? Would they talk to him and make him do more?

I would focus on sorting out the 15 yr old, speak to social services I assume he has a social worker? Tell them you need respite for hlf the holidays as Ex won't step up and you need to work. You might get a couple of weeks out of them. Or they might be able to provide a 'nanny' type situation for the 1-2hrs in the morning before the girlfiend can pick them up? I know things are ridiculously stretched but it has to be worth asking.

I'm not sure.
Carers allowance isn't worth dropping the hours for, though it would make life a lot easier, you can only claim if you earn less than £139/week. It's less than 80/week.

15yo doesn't have a social worker. Has autism, and learning disabilities, but it's never been necessary. Obviously that will change 16+. But having respite in place would still leave me with needing something for 11yo.

@Mmamadness while I agree that the father in question is pitiful, I can guarantee that your suggested approach won't work. It'll only create more stress for @sparkellie
People don't change unless they are highly motivated to do so and very well supported. They definitely don't change on the instructions of an ex-partner.

Having lived this, I can attest to the value of pouring energy into making it work despite the dad. It's hard to be the only parent and the only adult interested in yoir children's lives, never mind when they have complex needs, but adding to that load with a quest to improve the ex is self-defeating. He won't change. He isn't "winning"; it should never be reduced to a power struggle. He lost years ago by choosing to be a deadbeat dad.

Ah. I completely get why you used "childcare' in your Op.

I was like others thinking it's not childcare, he's the dad, it's parenting

But now you've explained it, you are completely right, he literally is just providing childcare.

in his head , his only responsibility is to supervise the children while you are working and only for the hours that suit him.

This isnt parenting, or being a father, or a dad, it's just a glorified babysitter.

Just say no and apply for a Child Arrangement Order which will take your work into account.

But I can't make him have them if he doesn't want to, and I don't want to make them feel like they aren't wanted here either. I'm not going to fight him on who doesn't have the kids.

You can't no...but a CAO will ensure your needs are taken into account and he can't just demand you work around him.

I understand that that's the idea, I just think it will make him more likely to bail on arrangements, leaving me in the lurch last minute. At least if I go with what he says he will probably stick with it.

What do you mean?

Lets say the CAO takes all sparkellie needs into account, and for example it states the dad should have the children on a Saturday and Sunday 8am to 5pm and on dagys x, y, z during the school holidays.
As the non resident/non main parent, the dad doesnt have to stick to it. He just doesn't show up or refuses to take them.
As far as I'm aware, nobody, not sparkellie nor any court can force him to stick to the CAO. There's no consequences for him.

Could the 11yr old not then wait alone at home for dad's girlfriend at 9am, or go to a club or something?

No, no one can force anyone to be a decent parent.

But what it can do is to stop him chopping and changing and demanding his schedule takes priority. The court would want to know why no overnights for example (unless of course the OP agreed). I found it just gives a certainty that I never had previously. Without one if he refused to return them there is nothing the police will do.

Are you sure he will I lay have to pay £200pcm for 2 DC if he has no overnights whatsoever. Go on to the CMS calculator. Put in exh does not want any overnights with his DC whatsoever as see how much you will be entitled to. By only having them from 11.30 he's making it very hard for you to get a job. How will you manage with so little money and only limited ability to get a job?

I think speaking to his parents might well be a good idea. Even if he doesn't reply to you/ take you seriously, he might be more inclined to listen to their opinion of the situation.

...And if they have the financial means, they might offer to help cover the costs of raising their grandchildren (and/or leave money to them in their wills, rather than their feckless son! play the long game, OP...).

If he claims not to be earning enough from his self-employment to pay a fair contribution towards the actual costs of feeding/ housing/ caring for his children, that would suggest that he's either setting his rates too low, or had a lot more spare time than you do. In which case he should be able to look after them 50% of the time. What happens if you visit him at home? Presumably he and his gf would then have to talk to you? I think it's time that you suggest one week on, one week off, and use that as a basis to start negotiations...

You said you work in retail. Are you able to 'buy' more annual leave? Or alter your job to part-time/ job-share? Or start looking for another job which allows you to work more in term-time? (so if he offered more money, you'd be able to earn enough to live off while they're at school?)

I have no idea what he would have to pay as I have no idea what he earns. He is self employed though, which makes it harder for csa to get an accurate assessment and therefore payment, and as tempting as it is,I can't really afford to end up with less.
I have a job, but yes, those hours make it pretty impossible for me to work in school holidays.

Thank goodness your DC had 1 decent and reliable patent.

His parents are his parents, so me going to them complaining won't go down well,whatever they think of the way he is being. They are decent people, and their only concern in facilitating a relationship with their GC, so I am sure long term they will do what they can for the kids. However, being the ex wife I'm not high on their list of favourite people!
He lives 45min drive away, and I don't drive, so I'm unlikely to just rock up at his doorstep. Plus, again, it's unlikely to do me any favours.
One week on, one off wouldnt work for anyone, especially my eldest. And school would be very hard to facilitate living so far apart. Also, as I said earlier, I am fine with no overnights if its what the kids want, I don't want them to feel as though we are fighting to not have them.
Regarding work, I have about as good a balance as I think it's possible to get in retail, and it works fine outside of holidays. I'd be unlikely to find the hours I currently have and the same understanding from another employer.