Ex husbands childcare offer

[sparkellie]

What would you do if this was your ex partners offer of childcare for the following year?
I should add he has them every Sunday 7.30 - 4.30. The asterisk next to days marks them as a Sunday.
How would you respond?

I work in retail, so no, term time only isn't an option, and nor is working from home sadly!

Any possibility of later shifts? So start later but do closing instead?

The reality is this is not amicable m. Well it might be for him because he just gets on with what he wants and pretty much doesn’t parent. Like someone else says go through cam to inconvenient him - you’re not going to lose anything and will maybe gain something. The fact he gets his gf to answer the phone shows he is a coward.

im sure you have but have you spoken to your older child’s school to find out about out of school childcare options? Does he have a social worker (sorry I don’t know the processes or help available) that you could ask?

it truly says something if your 15 yo wouldn’t go if you’re home.

your ex cannot do take if you work or not, I get his decisions do impact but try not to let his decisions control your life. If those times don’t work tell him so give him what would and be clear that he has to communicate to come up with a suitable solution. Assume he won’t so make arrangements accordingly.

as an aside my nephew is similar age and needs as your son. He refuses to spend time or communicate with his father - kids do understand and these fathers should be absolutely ashamed by their actions. I don’t understand the hypocrisy in our society that allows men to treat their children in this way but shame women if they do

Totally misread the offer from him. Now I understand it I say go back and say

“Just to clarify you can only make time for your children on 69 days of the year and for 17 of those days you can’t offer any childcare that would allow me to work. Have I got that right? What do you propose I do with our children during that time? Or do you think I should quit my job and be forced to seek additional financial support from you to replace my lost income?”.

No that is not acceptable, they are not only your children but his. How embarrassing for him that he thinks that is all he should do.

He should see them at the very minimum 1 day a week and overnight stay and I say that as a minimum

Also what an above poster said is if he isn't prepared to put in the time he should pay.

It'll all hit him one day when the children are old enough to realise what their Dad did and the effort he made

What a shit!

Why not have them Saturday night to Sunday afternoon?

Who wants to be up and down at 7am on a Sunday unnecessarily? I’m hoping I’ve missed something ☹️.

No, because I need to finish by 4 to be home when the kids get in from school.
Unless you mean just on the weeks he has said he'd have them later, but even then, that would mean I could only work 12 - 5.30.

Potentially I could lose 200 a month. I know it's not a lot, but it's much better than getting given 20 a month because he's self employed.
There aren't really any put of school options for a 15yo with special needs. Secondary doesn't do wrap around care, as it's not necessary. Plus he has door to door transport due to his needs, which is at school start/finish times,so him staying later would mean arranging another way to get him home.

Yeah I mean just the weeks he’s offering to have them. But you’re right, the times don’t add up well so you’d still need more childcare either before or after to earn the same amount

Honestly it's not worth the time it would take to send that message. He either would just ignore it,or use it as a way to say I was being difficult and take back some of what he has offerer to do.
Honestly I just want to chuck in the job, tell him not to bother and fuck it. But obviously that isn't a long term or sensible solution, it just feels like it right now!

It doesn't but there is a chance that could work. I'm very lucky that my work have been very accommodating and they would probably let me work different shifts and take some holiday to cover the other hours.. definitely worth a thought. Thank you!!

In that case if he can’t offer anything that allows you to work I wouldn’t use him at all. Unless you can arrange for his parents to have the kids on those weeks and tell him you won’t be taking him up on his offer of additional days as it doesn’t allow you to work but he’ll need to use the time he has the kids on a Sunday to transport the children to his parents and then back the following week? Hopefully his parents could be on board with that.

If his parents have them for a week they will come and get them and drop them off, so he won't have to go out of his way.
I'm considering just trying to find a way of sorting the summer holidays, and accepting his offer for the Easter and Christmas.
He just sees them as an inconvenience anyway, never takes them out or does anything with them, so I don't think it does their mental health much good spending time with him and his gf. It's purely because I have to work that I send them to his at all. I'd be interested to see what he'd think/do if I didn't work Sunday and therefore he didn't see them. Whether he'd miss them eventually and it would give him a kick up the arse to make an effort, or if he'd just be glad he didn't have to bother.

It's not even 3 full weeks, if you notice every week he has offered, the Tues/Sat isn't on there because they are my days off!

1130 isn't a reasonable start time to the day
Why isn't he doing half the school holidays.
What about August?
Why is he calling it childcare when he's a parent??

He's lost the plot

To be fair to him that is how a lot of together couples have to plan their leave - so it fits around days off otherwise there isn't enough coverage of annual leave. But yes he's being ridiculous. They aren't whole days.

He can take 2 weeks un paid parental leave per child

He's a failure

Is it worth sending him a list of when you need him to have the children (make it roughly 50/50), and tell him you will drop them off there, but he'll have to reimburse you for petrol or something. Obviously he's not going to do the latter, but the guy needs a wake up call and now.

You say he's self-employed, but what does he do? Does he work from home? Does he have fixed hours? Can he easily reduce his hours? And seriously, does he get paid cash and hide his income that way? What kind of home and lifestyle does he have?

I understand that you need the £200 he pays towards the kids but would you not be better off getting social services involved in the care of your 15yrs old. They might find you respite care or a club that he might enjoy then you don't need him anymore. So many single parents cut their losses and gain freedom to work, love themselves and their children and not have to deal with such deadbeat. Maybe claim DLA for your older one as well.

He is self employed, so just says he can't afford to take time off. Though funnily enough he managed ok when he wanted to go abroad with his gf last year!
Nothing stopping him getting employment but he likes working for himself.
Sorry. That sounds bitter. I probably am. It's just frustrating that he does barely anything and yet complains if I ask any more of him. He genuinely seems to think he's being reasonable and that he's 'helping' by doing any childcare at all.
oh well, it will work out somehow I'm sure.

He's a carer. Not fixed hours, he takes work with whoever he wants whenever he likes.
I honestly don't know. He moved in with his gf who owns her house, not sure if she has a mortgage or not.

I'm confused, you say childcare, so is he offering to pay for childcare as well as his time with them?

Does he understand that he's a parent, not a babysitter?

I get dla.
There just isn't anything local and I don't drive. I will be in contact with social services with school in the next year to try and work something put for his education post 16, which may well involve some kind of respite. But I'm pretty sure respite care isn't an option while he's at school. All services are so overstretched it's ridiculous.

Sorry, it's me referring to it as childcare, I'm not sure what else to call it? But no,he won't pay for childcare, like I said there isn't anything suitable for the eldest. He may get his parents to have them at some point over that time though.