Ex husbands childcare offer

[sparkellie]

What would you do if this was your ex partners offer of childcare for the following year?
I should add he has them every Sunday 7.30 - 4.30. The asterisk next to days marks them as a Sunday.
How would you respond?

He’s a shit father. But you probably can’t force him to be reasonable. Is there anyone (grandparents ?) who can look after the kids kn the mornings before your ex arrives? I’m guessing not but worth doing if it’s an option.

Basically he ignores any messages I send that don't go along with what he has suggested, and last time I tried to call him he got his gf to answer, so there's not really a discussion to have.

Sadly, no. Both sets of parents live 200 miles away.
His parents would probably have the kids to stay for a week if I ask them though. They had them for a few weeks last year, as my partner was in hospital with cancer and ex wouldn't drop hours to help.

I might do. I have been trying to keep things amicable, but honestly it's got beyond that now.

Is moving closer to your family an option? If you were closer would they help out?

No point keeping things amicable when it sounds like you have nothing to lose from him anyway. What an arsehole he is (and how the fuck does his girlfriend look at this deadbeat and think "yep...he's the man for me"?!

At 11 and 15 are they not able to stay in the house alone for a couple of hours between you starting work and their father picking them up? Or are the SN preventing this? (Have a DC with SN that mean they’ll struggle with independence so I understand how hard it is).

I’d reply saying “that doesn’t work for us, you’ll need to come up with an alternative” then let him figure it out from there. Men are utterly shit, I’m sorry you’ve been lumbered with an ex like that

I know, but 200 a month isn't nothing to me, and I can't really afford to lose it just to make a point, which is more than likely. It will just mean that not only does he barely have the kids, but also doesn't pay anything towards them either, which seems a bit like cutting off my nose to spite my face iykwim.

I'd tell him to get to fuck. That's what I'd do. And his girlfriend can keep her beak out of it too. What a total joke!

No. Leaving them alone wouldnt be fair on the 11year old.
My 15yo will probably never be independent, and doesn't like to be left for more than half an hour on his own.
I just won't hear anything and then he won't turn up on the days he has offered to have them as they won't be agreed on!

Go to CS services anyway: you don’t know what they might be able to claw back from him. Esp if he is underreporting his income to the tax authorities.

Also: agree to the dates and then have a huge fight with him the first time he shows up. You are not obligated to treat agreements with him as sacred writ.

Ah sorry how shit for you. As PP suggested would it help to move closer to your parents? Or would it not be feasible because of your eldest's schooling etc?

What would I actually do? Probably laugh and then cry. It’s absolutely ludicrous.

it not only doesn’t help you work, it interferes, so I don’t see the point in bothering to facilitate this contact with an utter deadbeat of a father.

I suppose I would counter that you can make the children available for daily 7am pickup and drop off no earlier than 5pm on any full week during school holidays as long as you are notified by X date. That way if he would like contact beyond his Sundays he can claim it. Otherwise you will make other arrangements so you can work.

Forgive me if I'm interpreting this wrong, but does he never have them on a Saturday? What's his excuse for that?

No. For about 3 months he had them on a Saturday morning and then Sundays, because I worked, but since I dropped the Saturday he now doesn't have them. Tbf if I drop Sundays the chances are at least the 15yo would choose to stay here instead of going to his.

No, my parents live in a far more expensive area, and I'd have no job plus have to move their schools. The kids have been through a lot this year, and moving them away from everything they know would be unfair on them.

God I hate men like your ex. How can his girlfriend stand behind this? I would find it utterly revolting if my boyfriend treated his kids and their mother like this.

I don’t really have any advice, it seems you gave no rights, just obligations whereas he has no obligations, just rights.

Go back and say “sorry I think I’ve got myself in a muddle because I’m sure you said the starred dates were the ones you could do, but that would mean you can barely spare any time for your children and surely that can’t be right? Shall I assume the stars are the days you can’t do?”.

Could your parents or his parents come and stay for one of the weeks he’s offering? Is there space to do that or money for an airbnb? You could do some nice dinners together and things.
His offer is really just so shit. It’s worse than useless because denying him time with his kids seems like poor co-parenting on your part but those times make it impossible to work or to spend quality time with other family members or do fun things together.

Remember with CMS you can appeal if his declared income doesn't match his lifestyle.

What a shit he is.

What is your job? Can you go term time? Work from home in school holidays?

Another terrible father! My friend has this sort of situation where the kids dad has them very little and is unreliable so she has to plan childcare herself for pretty much 100% of the time. So in terms of how you could manage this, could you use some of your leave to work half days on the weeks he’s suggested or even be off for whole days and have time for yourself. Then when you are working, book a week with each set of grandparents as childcare for you to work and look into holiday camps, you could suggest he contributes so you can both work through a set of holidays?

Depends on his salary

That list is only in his interests. Not yours. Not the children's.