Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

When would the time be right for you and why were you not ready.

because at 16 it was time for your daughter to know, she was old enough to be aware and needed to know the truth about herself. At some point it became her truth and not yours and that is why your wife told her. Because it sounds as if she tried to get you to be ready, you never were and she recognised that it was something your DD needed to be aware of.

what you need to work out is why you have this reaction to it

Your annoyance lies in the fact that you thought your wishes were ignored. But what if those wishes made not one whit of sense? Is your wife supposed to make it a big deal when it clearly is not?

I really think you should just calm down. There really is no issue here at all.

If DH and I disagreed on something important, I hope we'd discuss and then come to an agreement. Assuming both agreed, then yes, I'd be cross at that being broken.

BUT I think the bigger issue here is why you've blown a non-issue up into a big issue in the first place. You haven't said why, and your wife has asked already 'a few times'.

I'd focus on working out why you couldn't come to an agreement in the first place.

You kept putting it off and she had a right to know.

Your wife kept it secret on your behalf for 16 years, which is far too long, I don’t think you would ever have told her if it was purely your decision. Especially as there was no sperm donor, why on earth didn’t you want to tell her? Her right to know, and your wife’s right to not keep a perfectly unwarranted secret, override your wishes here I’m afraid.

You had 16yrs to tell her together

When was your planning to

Bizarre, especially given that there were no donors involved. Absolutely no need for it to have ever been a secret, and no reason your daughter couldn't have known about this since she was tiny, in an age appropriate way. You sound very controlling.

I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
It's IVF. Unless you're Catholic it's not a big deal at all. She probably got sick of you saying 'not yet, not yet'.

You've both made this into such a big deal. Who cares? Child should have been told in passing when she was a young child. It's really such a non issue

Your reaction is very extreme and if you don’t understand why you feel this way, I wonder if counselling might help you?

Do you feel that IVF someone reflects poorly on your “manliness” in some way? Why is there so much stigma in this for you?

Why is it an event to tell her?? Why on earth would your daughter care?I would imagine it’s the sort of thing you mention in passing when they are small. Eg “mummy how are babies made?”
”well the daddy’s sperm and the mummy’s egg mix together. Mostly that happens in the mummy’s body but sometimes it happens outside it, in a hospital. That’s how you were made!” can’t believe she was told as a 16th birthday present!

I agree that you should have told her together.

I don't understand why she wasn't told years ago.

My dc have always known that they were ivf babies waiting until she is a teenager to do a big reveal seems an unnecessarily stressful approach for everyone.

Your feelings are your feelings but it is a bit odd to think this is such a major issue. It isn’t.

Why are you waiting to discuss this with your daughter now? She knows, and you are still waiting to talk to her about it. Why?

I agree your wife should have included you in the discussion but I don’t understand your need to make it a big deal. When would have been the right time?

You are (perhaps deliberately) missing the point here. It isn’t about you and your wishes. The fact is that being conceived via IVF (vs “naturally”) isn’t a big deal, there’s nothing important to “reveal” to your child and therefore it shouldn’t be a secret or an issue that your wife told her without you. You come across as being quite controlling, frankly.

Do ivf dc have a right to know? Do they have more right to know than the details of their parents sexual encounter that resulted in natural conception? Serious question

Why on earth is this a big deal?

I suspect having asked you a few times, she thought you were never going to say yes and recognised that the longer you left it, the bigger the deal it would become for your daughter that you hadn't told her before (who she was prioritising). She probably felt she had no choice but to go ahead as she would have been feeling "it will never be the right time".

I totally agree with all the posters who have said this or similar - our DC knew from the very beginning, just natural part of age-appropriate conversations as she was growing up...It is you who has made it into a big deal with your approach

I have no idea how this didn't naturally come up when talking with your daughter about conception and "how babies are made"

Honestly this should never have been a big thing to tell your daughter it should just have been part of the natural conversions with her

I honestly don't understand why this is even an issue? We've never hidden the fact that without fertility treatment DS wouldn't be here. It's just part of our normal family understanding "yes, we needed some help to get pregnant with DS - aren't we lucky that was available to us". Surely it just comes up as part of normal chit chat"?

A lovely discussion.....um, right.

I would have loved to be a fly on the wall to hear you explaining that to your 16 year old. It's hardly the stuff of dreams.

You should have enabled voting. You'd have been able to see how YABU at a glance and not needed to come back and desperately search for the tiny minority who agree with you OP.

If I had been your wife I would have explained at the moment of conception that no, we were going to discuss it in a normal way and not keep this mundane and rather uninteresting fact from our child, because if we left it until they were 16 they would think it was something weird and shameful.

Is it something to do with feeling emasculated?

What's weirder - telling a 16yo that she was conceived in a petrie dish or that her parents had sex? I know which story I'd have been more comfortable telling!

Seriously though, if she's biologically both your dd, why is it any issue at all? I just don't see what the problem is in the first place?

Essentially you've ignored your wife's wishes for 16 years. She wanted to tell your daughter, you said no.

You really should have had the talk years ago. Quite ridiculous waiting until your daughter is 16.

It is absolutely not a massive deal and your wife asked your 'permission' several times, by your own admission. Why she would need your permission I do not know.

It is totally normal to talk to daughters about the stuff that our bodies go through as women, it would be natural to include the IVF in those discussions.