Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

This is the weirdest thread ever. Why would a child need to know if they were IVF?!? They weren’t adopted! If one of my kids were IVF it wouldn’t even occur to me that we should be having a conversation about it! What did you tell them? Instead of normal sex there were hormones injected into Mums bum? Really!! Some people are so weird!

Mine grew up knowing that they were IVF babies, and one a frozen embryo as soon as they could understand. Why make it a secret and a big deal?

I should add that we were in Leeds when we had our children and one of the hospital buildings is built over the ring road. Whenever we drove under it we would all shout "Thank you for our babies". It was a massive thing for me and I was happy to make my children feel special.
I do not think that IVF babies are more special than any other babies but my children were special to us and I wanted them to know that.

It is recommended by clinics that you tell your dc, when they are young with minimal fuss.
It is their medical information and might impact their own fertility in time.

This is something you can leave too late. It should be a fact the child feels she has always known rather than having a big reveal. I wonder when you would have felt was the right time. 16 to me does seem a little old. Have you thought about why it was so important to you that you waited.

Fucking hell mate, it's a non issue. The only issue is your fragile ego. It's IVF, not as if she was conceived via a romp with the milkman.

It's your wife who had to bear all the physical pain of IVF as well as the birth. It seems your beef is your fertility might be questioned...otherwise what? You should just be grateful. And I'd say your wife would know when and where to tell her daughter as we are the birthing sex. It has some relevance. For example my daughter knows about her birth, I knew about my birth from my mother. My brother or my son have never shown the slightest interest and the conversation has never come up.

They don't know, not that it's a big secret
The where do babies come from conversation never got beyond mummy's tummy. And see that building thats where you were both born.

Tbh I've never really thought about telling them. They are both 100% ours. Both boys so not going to have PCOS. It will come up in conversation eventually and that's when they'll be told.

I certainly won't be doing the sit down I've something to tell you on your 16th Birthday.

The where do babies come from conversation never got beyond mummy's tummy.

At some point you have the conversations about how they got in there and out of there. That's the right time. As in a 'penis in vagina but sometimes with some help, like you' (IVF) or 'out of mummy's vagina, but sometimes with some help like you' (CS).

Plain, age appropriate language, respecting the child's feelings. Job done.

Remember that this is about you and how you feel, it doesn't really matter what other people think.

I can see where you're coming from and understand that because you'd already discussed it more than once previously there would come a time when you both agreed the right time was approaching. Can you remember how long it is since you had the last discussion?

I have no experience of IVF and I don't know anyone who has but it was obviously a very traumatic time for you both. We all take for granted that we'll be able to have children, moreso when you already have one. The news that there's a problem and the only route is IVF can sometimes be devastating and can change your whole perspective. Realistically there's no difference between your daughters except that making your second one was a bit more complicated - I think that's what people are getting at, it's no biggie looking at it from the outside but you're obviously feeling excluded from something you both thought was important. Maybe you saying 'not yet' was misinterpreted as 'I'll tell you when' perhaps. It all depends on your relationship - talk to her again & see if you can catch up with what changed her mind - life with 2 teens can be pretty full on, things change by the minute & sometimes an opportune moment is just that.

Every person who puts a post on here has an issue about something and you're no different except that you're a dad and not a mum.

I'm really surprised that this is such a big deal, like it has to be a big announcement. I'd have expected it to be something that was talked about naturally from a young age. At least once the child learned about reproduction. It seems strange that you kept it a secret for so long.

16?!?
My son was an IVF baby and we started talking about it in an age appropriate way alongside conversations about where babies come from when he was 3 or 4 years old
Waiting so long must have made your daughter feel like it was a really big and worrying secret.

What a storm in a teacup OP!!

My ds had an ai conception (not ivf) and really he's known about it on an age appropriate level since being very little.

Some mummies and daddies make babies by themselves but we got a doctor to help make you.

That type of thing.

Storing it up until her 16th birthday and controlling who can and can't talk to her about it?

You've created a massive and unnecessary drama here.

@Testina
We’ve had a few lovely moments over the years. My favourite was her saying, “wait - I’m too young to stay home alone says you - but I spent my first 5 nights post conception on my own in a lab?” 😆

Your daughter is a legend <3

I agree, I've always thought that children should know when they are very small so it is not an issue. My GC are adopted and have always known, it can only lead to problems if they don't know.

@angela1952 adoption and doner eggs / sperm / embryos are a totally different level to being conceived in a bedroom vs in a lab with the parents own eggs and sperm.

DUH...
Of course they are a different thing. Adoption, where a child is often taken traumatically from their birth family, is far worse. I was talking about the importance of making sure that the child knows where they come from - be it via IVF or from another birth family. I think that it is obvious that there are many parallels and that it is better to know from an early age.

Control freakery. No need to be embarrassed you don’t have many swimmers. You are still a real man…

I still want to know what age op wanted to tell

I want to know what OP still thinks he needs to add in his additional conversation that still hasn't happened months after the event