Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

OP’s wife had been saying for years and years that she wanted to tell her though. It’s not like they’d both agreed to wait and then she’d told their daughter out of the blue.

Yes, what she should probably have done is say “it’s ridiculous Sophie doesn’t know she was conceived through IVF, it’s really not something that needs to be kept from her. I’m going to tell her on her birthday, unless you’d like for us to tell her before?”- but I can understand her frustrations!

Eh? Why on earth did you make this into a big thing? And why did your (frankly bizarre) view on when she should be told trump your wife's? She should have grown up knowing. It's not a big deal. But your wife is the one who went through the massively intrusive process, plus pregnancy and birth so I think you should have let her choose how/when to tell her.

Why is this even an issue??
I'm from iVF and I'm 40! It was no issue at all.

This.

It's pretty much how everyone I know who had IVF child deals with it.

I suspect your wife told her at 16 because it was finally clear to her that that your way of handling this was to make it a massive big deal that may well upset your DD - so just got on and told her to defuse any potential future emotional bombs and accusations of lying to your DD.

I could understand why you might be annoyed, but furious? It's not that big a deal. You are being ridiculous

I think women passing information surrounding their ability to conceive to their daughters is quite important, because some of the causes can be hereditary.

Plus, let's be honest here, it was your wife that had to bear the brunt of the IVF treatment and everything that (& the pregnancy) did to her hormones and body.

You simply jizzed in a cup, so it's more her story to tell.

Women's gynaecological issues shouldn't be kept secret, they're not embarrassing or sexual or dirty, they're a health issue like any other and could well impact your daughter, so your wife was right in talking to her about it.

So it was more about you being ready than your daughter. What’s your hang up about it? Do you feel like there is something negative in some way about being conceived via IVF? I can’t understand why you felt this was a big deal.

By the by, was there an age where you felt it was important to let your first child know ‘hey mum and dad conceived you via good old normal sex’? If not, why not?

i just told my daughter when it came up in a conversation about babies when she was about 4 or 5. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to ask my husbands permission before discussing it. I think you have made this into a bigger deal than it is.

Your daughter should have always known in a matter of fact way since she was a toddler.

What would have been the right time for you, OP?

Your reactions are very alarming. "Furious", "froze", "seriously pissed off." Fucking hell, get a hold of yourself.

Talk about a massive overreaction to nothing, and they way you wouldn't allow your wife to tell your child until you said so is very controlling. You needed medical assistance to get pregnant, so what?

Surprised your wife and you waited until she was 16. Is it a point of shame?

You think your 16 yo daughter is going to be upset that Daddy's penis in Mummy's vagina didn't create her? I should think she'll be super happy. 😂

Probviding its all your own mix, baked in your wifes oven, there's nothing to see here....

@AnneLovesGilbert Not sure! Maybe he'll think the youngest was wanted more because we went to great emotional and financial expense to have him.
But they were both very much wanted, just the eldest was a 1 try wonder!

Another not understanding at all why it’s a big deal. In a way it’s a good thing for the child, it means they were so wanted that you went through great lengths to have the child. Unless a sperm donor was used there’s zero reason to make a deal of this at all.

Edited to add, still fine of course if donor was used, but that’s the only reason why there would be any doubt in when to tell the child.

Absolutely this.

Thanks!

Do you often get furious and seriously pissed off about things?

what were your reasons for ‘the time not being right?’

and was it your wife alone who couldn’t conceive, or both of you? Just out of interest.

I had ivf twice although our Dc ended up being conceived the usual way. If it’s not a matter of donor sperm or egg then this is not an issue - no reason why you’d make a big deal of it as though it’s unusual. Same with a c section.

Arguably it’s important that your DD knows, in case the issue could potentially also apply to her. The more familiar and comfortable she is with it, the less scary the subject is, if it turns out to be what she needs later on.

I can’t remember how old my DS2 was when he heard that he was born via a section - probably years ago when he asked how babies were born. He’s 15 now and has known for years.

It's a complete non issue. Why on. Earth wouldn't you tell them if the subject came up.

You've made it into such a big deal when it isn't and decided that you and you alone get to take the decision on when she is told.

Your wife clearly got sick of it. You need to sort yourself out or you might find that she's sick of a lot of your other selfish behaviours too.

Genuine question as I can’t think of a reason, but why do you find it such a sensitive topic to discuss with you daughter OP?

Wow, I really wasn't expecting that, but I'll take it on board! I thought my wife telling her when she knew I wasn't ready was out of order, but apparently not! Seems it's ok to just ignore your other half's wishes

But when were you going to be ready? It's already been 16 years! I can understand that you are bit frustrated that your wife went against your wishes, but maybe your wife was getting frustrated at your lack of willingness to tell your child. It's not a big deal to be a product of IVF - your child should have been told when she was very young, as a natural part of a conversation about reproduction.

For what it's worth, I was adopted at birth. There was no big reveal when my parents were ready. I have just always known. I can't remember when my parents first told me, but I do remember that my favourite bed time story was my parents telling me how they went to get me from my foster parents at 6 weeks old. The earlier you tell a child these things, the more normal it becomes, and the less of a big deal it is.

And, if it’s anything to do with gynae issues, it’s up to mum when a daughter is told, not dad. I don’t think many mums would consult their DH about when they will discuss periods etc.

Non issue . What difference does it make? I think making it it into a issue is odd.