Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

My daughter has always known she was IVF. I understand you wanted to tell her together but 16? I thought she was 5 or 6. It’s not a shameful secret.

What a weird post! Why are you making it out to be a shameful secret?
My daughter is 4 and ill tell her whenever it comes up in conversation. I haven't even had a discussion with my husband about how/when we'll tell her, because it's really not a big deal!
I feel sorry for your wife.

Somebody at work just mentioned in passing that both her children were IVF. It really isn't seen as a big thing. You seem very hysterical about a very minor thing. I would have thought it could have been mentioned in passing years ago. The idea it could put her off her exams is ludicrous. I mean were you meaning to tell her when she was 25 or what?

You had 16 years to be part of the conversation, when was going to be the right time?

Incidentally it is generally advised that you talk to your child when they are relatively young and it won't be a big deal and just becomes part of their "story"

Your wife should have respected your wishes. I don’t understand what the other posters here don’t understand about that. She disregarded your wishes completely. You have every right to be upset.

I don’t think this is a big deal at all, it’s completely different to adoption. The people I know conceived by IVF have just always known about it, they were never sat down and told specifically.

why did you not want to tell her, it's bizarre. Are you ashamed?

Im adopted, I've always known. Getting told at 16 would have been awful.

DNs are IVF, theyre 7 and they've grown up knowing. It's not a big deal unless you make it into one. It's just a part of your DDs life story.

My 3 kids are all IVF. Never occurred to me this was a "thing" for anyone, unless maybe you are the Pope. I can't imagine your DD cared - presumably she has several friends who are too?

It’s nothing to do with him being a man. He clearly said that dw asked to tell her together several times but he always wanted to wait. Even until after the dc turned 16 - nearly a bloody adult. Left to him she probably wouldn’t even know now. He’s being ridiculous and his dw was right to get it out there. It never should have been such a big issue in the first place.

Lord, what a fuss about nothing.

IVF is not a shameful secret. It is completely and totally unreasonable for you to have kept this from your child and to be so angry about this. This should have been taught to your child at a young age as part of her education about where babies come from, puberty etc.

The only issue here I see is waiting until she was 16 as if it's a huge deal. All kids should know where they come from and as part of discussions regarding sex and growing up she should have been told

Perhaps the OP should have also respected his DWs wishes? Why does what he wants trump her wishes? Your use of language about your wife is coming across as controlling and disproportionately cross.

Why is this even an issue? My kids are from IVF and they’ve always known. My photo of them as 4 cell embryos is often spoken of. Absolutely so reason to make it such a secret.

Another child is from a donor egg so that’s a bigger deal but I’ll be making sure they always know about that too. The big reveal at 16 is just odd.

Absolutely no big deal. My wonderful niece was IVF, she has always known this as long as she can remember. She is very proud of the fact she is, and that her ‘baby doctor’ helped her mum and dad to have her!

@Timbuck3 What was your reason for thinking she wasn't ready? What impact do you think the knowledge would have had if your dd knew earlier? How old do you think would have been appropriate?

She disregarded your wishes completely. You have every right to be upset

I can understand that the OP might be upset that his wife ignored his wishes. But he was also ignoring her wishes to tell their DD. In the end, I guess his wife just did what she thought was the best thing for DD

The most important person in all of this is your daughter.

It sounds like your wife told you daughter at a time that felt natural. It was already quite late (16) to tell your daughter - the longer you leave it the bigger deal it is. It's not a big deal is it? Your daughter is still your daughter it is pretty irrelevant now how she was conceived. I really don't know why you needed a 'lovely discussion' or why you kept stalling it for so long. I would imagine it was much easier for your daughter to hear this in a low key way rather than a planned group discussion. Your wife put your daughters needs first.

I wonder what the reaction would be if we flipped this round and it was the Dad telling the kid she was IVF without Mum’s consent. I bet everyone would be baying for his blood. Double standards ehh.

Not a big deal

I don't understand why you both waited until your child was 16

Your child could have been a mother herself at 16

My dd was conceived via ivf. She's 12 now. We haven't told her explicitly but in the past she asked once why she didn't gave a sibling and I said that my tummy wasn't working right and I wasn't able to have anymore. I said that we needed some help having her but that was the end of the convo.

Whilst I don't think it's a huge deal (which is why I haven't sat her down and told her. Same way as most sensible parents would tell their dc they were conceived after a quick fumble of in New York (or whatever).I would be upset if my dh told her without me knowing.

So it sounds like your wife waited years to do this on your timescale and it still hadn't happened by the time your daughter was pretty much an adult. I would understand your feelings if you'd just had the discussion about telling her together and then the next day she jumped in and told her. But it sounds like you've kept on kicking this down the road when your wife wanted it out in the open for a long time.

The other thing to consider is, what was the context? Did your daughter ask about pregnancy and that kind of thing which led to the conversation naturally? If so I get why your wife, after waiting years for the 'right time', went ahead and talked to her about it.

Ultimately it sounds like your wife handles it well if your daughter is happy and/or non plussed by the whole thing. That's the important bit really.

I really don't understand why this is a big deal. It sounds like you have a lot of unprocessed emotion about the IVF.

I don't get why it was such a big deal honestly. IVF isn't a hard concept to understand. my 7 year old nephew understood it when we were going through it. it's not like she's not your child or adopted (something i believe a child should know from the start). Whilst i think it's not a big deal to reveal i also find it a bit weird. you couldn't tell a child about their conception if done naturally