Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

We were recommended to tell them as it can be indicative of fertility for them in the future. It is part of their medical history.

Unless there is more to this, IVF is not a big deal
You needed some medical help. That's it.
It's not like adopting or surrogacy or donor eggs/sperm.

I think you have massively overreact.

I hope your daughter is ok.

Is it because it was a medical issue with your reproductive system that meant IVF was necessary? That’s the only reason I can think as to why you might feel sensitive about this.

If it wasn’t and it was due to your wife’s medical issues then surely it’s none of your business when and who she shares this information with?

16!!! My goodness ! How much longer would YOU have waited ?!!!

18 ? 21 ? 25 ? Until she was married ? Until she was trying to conceive / have children ?

Your daughter should have known for years !

This is not about YOU and most certainly not about your wife OBEYING your wishes. it is about your DAUGHTER !

I quote ' it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us '
discussion ?
what on earth was there to discuss ?
the discussion was had over 16 years ago with your wife when you and she first talked about IVF

What were you expecting during this ' lovely discussion ' ? were you expecting
' Thank you Daddy for allowing Mummy to have IVF ? '

and you are brooding / sulking about this since last Sept ?

How many times over 16 years did your wife ask your permission to tell the child she carried for 9 months that she is an IVF child ?

YABU about not wanting to tell her because it isn’t a big deal.

Your wife shouldn’t of ignored your wishes but I can understand why she did, you kept saying now wasn’t the right time but your daughters over 16 years old. The longer you leave it to tell her the more of an issue it could become, she would wonder why she wasn’t told sooner. Your daughter clearly wasn’t bothered proving it wasn’t an issue.

I don't think you were ever going to tell her. I thought you were going say she was eight, shocked when you said sixteen!

OP would you have had the same reservations with vaginal/c-section birth?

It's literally not an issue at all.

First of all I think your making a mountain out of a mole hill, why does it matter that she was an IVF baby ?

Secondly why does your opinion matter more than your wife's ? She's clearly asked you multiple times because it's something she wants to discuss with your daughter but you always get final say.

PCOS can have a genetic link which means if the mother has it the daughter may be more likely to need fertility treatment so it can be worth knowing

There are also genetic disorders that can affect sperm count

So I think its one of those things that is useful to know in the same way that it's useful to know if a parent or grandparent has breast cancer in case it's genetic or to know if there is a family history of diabetes or heart disease

I'm not sure why you think IVF is such a big deal either but I understand that perhaps it's the principle that your wife lied and told her anyway. I guess that was wrong but honestly it's not a big deal and perhaps your wife understood that.

As a side note, if you believed it was a huge deal, waiting until she was older was the worst thing to do. It's better for children to grow up knowing their story and not having big revelations. Not that being an IVG baby is remotely a big revelation.

Maybe your wife told ger because you kept on saying not yet. You made a big deal out of nothing. You were very late telling her something she won't care about for no reason. Don't make a big deal out of it now and upset your daughter over nothing. Of course you don't need a big discussion over it with her. Seriously, no child cares how mummy got knocked up unless another person is involved.

this is one of only 2 posts you’ve replied to. I think this shows what the problem is. You aren’t listening to the responses here. You didn’t listen to your wife. You know best. Why have you even asked?

How long were YOU going to wait, because your wife’s been waiting for you to be ready for years by the sound of it. Were you waiting till your daughter was 40? For your deathbed? Never?

She wasn't told until she was 16?!?!! WTF were you waiting for? Unless you used donor eggs or sperm I'd have just told her when you first discussed how babies were made. So usually pre-school/infants age!

Why on earth did you think she "wasn't ready". Ready for what?!?

Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.

I genuinely don't understand this. Why does the time need to be right, how can it be wrong? Isn't this a massive non-issue?

That said, if it was important to you, your wife should have involved you.

My friend had a baby by IVF, and she was truthful about his conception since he was tiny, it has never been a secret, why should it?

Yeah, it's a non issue. No big dramatic build up necessary.

Yup I've noticed whenever a man posts on Mumsnet (TBF it's Mumsnet not dadsnet lol) posters do a massive pile on and seem to be way more harsh than they would be had the poster been a woman.
I find it weird. These people have sons.

It isn’t your information to gate keep- your wife is entitled to discuss how she got pregnant and your daughter is entitled to know how she was conceived.

On top of which- it is a total non issue. Just a fact of life.

Your wishes aren’t more important than your wife’s.

what a fuss over something that’s no big deal. Of course your wife was right to tell her. I have no idea what your problem is.

I think if you agreed not to tell her then she probably shouldn't have BUT.... why on earth did you feel the need to wait so long? That's completely crazy.

I also have to wonder what other completely weird rules you've put in place ...

She needed to know. 16?? Wow. How long did you want to make.
the fact that this wasn’t about donor sperm (or egg) makes this a much less sensitive issue imo. I really don’t understand why you were dithering.

I do understand that you wanted to tell her together and that you feel hurt. But why wait? Seems like you increased its importance in an unreasonable manner, tbh.

and your wife’s wish to tell her is just as important as your wish not to tell.
Or (potentially) of slightly higher importance when one considers how taxing IVF tends to be for the mother (physically).

I’m going to go slightly against the flow here and say it’s quite possible if our dcs were ivf that we would ( inadvertently) never have told them - not that it would have been a formal decision not to or that I think there is an issue with it, but simply that, provided it wasn’t donor sperm, it doesn’t seem to me all that necessary/ relevant. I can see if might come up with a daughter if the difficulty in ttc was hereditary; but, failing that, it might or just might not come up. Maybe not having gone through the expense and strain of ivf - which I can appreciate - I’m just not grasping the significance, but isn’t it a bit like telling them what room you were in or what position they were conceived in? I guess ivf is more clinical than that but my point being is conception not something that’s neither really here nor there for the child, being literally before their time? Maybe I’m missing some clinical reason for disclosure? I’ve got no idea what went on at my conception and it’s never occurred to me to ask . I’m sorry for you if you really wanted to be part of telling her and understand that frustration. I also don’t see anything wrong with telling her if you feel it’s important she knows but I genuinely don’t think you need to worry that it’s a key piece of info for her that’s been somehow mishandled to her detriment.

My niece was conceived via IVF. That's a no biggie. Not sure why you are overreacting.

You sound absolutely vile.

I don't see what the big deal about the IVF was, tbh. I'd get it if she wasn't biologically your child, but how she was conceived is not worth all this hand-wringing.

That said, if your wife knew you thought it was worthy of a major conversation, I see why you're upset that she did it without you. Did she know it was that important to you?

You're going to have to get over it. You can still talk to her about it, if you feel there are things you want to say, but bear in mind that most people don't know how they were conceived, and it really doesn't matter to most of us. My parents have never discussed this with me, nor would I want them to. All I know is that it wasn't planned, because they were very young and weren't yet married (which was more of an issue at the time/in the culture). Conception via IVF would be a mild curiosity, but certainly not worth keeping secret until some mythical 'right time'.