Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

imo she should have known since primary age anyway.

X post. But why weren’t you ready? Do you have unresolved issues about needing ivf? I can’t think of any other reason you’d be so upset about this.

She should not have got to 16 without knowing! Why would you insist on putting it off past that age?

“I've effectively had that taken away from me.”

Because you waited 16 years!

If your daughter was 4 and your wife had told her without you then, sure, you could be justifiably annoyed, but FFS, why the secrecy for that long? It’s just weird, you’re making it a much bigger thing than it is.

Did she really need to know how she was conceived? I don't want to know how I was convinced, I have absolutely zero interest in my parents fertility or sex life.

If questions are asked then fine, answer them but don't make it in to a huge deal

I mean unless she worded it in a horrible way that the ivf was needed because of you I don’t get why your so het up that your wife told your female daughter that SHE had to have ivf done to get pregnant.

But you have been ignoring your wife's wishes for years it seems?

She's asked repeatedly to have the conversation and you have decided repeatedly that you don't want to and that she should abide by that. I'm not sure how this is any different tbh

I don't think conception being IVF is a big thing, but if it's such a big thing that you "needed to be ready" then your concerns were completely misplaced and it should have been about when your daughter was ready

"you weren't ready?" Good job your daughter was and had no problem with it. I am failing to understand why letting a child let alone an older teen know they were wanted so much their parents had ivf to have them is a problem to anyone unless you believe it impacts "your manhood" which obviously it does not.

I really don’t think it’s a big deal.

How strange that you think it should have been a big moment and only one you could decide the time of.

Better to tell her ASAP really so it’s not a big thing.

I also found it very offensive when you said ‘my wife couldn’t conceive again.’ We went through male factor fertility but at no point did I put it all on my husband not being able to perform!

Also I’ve always explained to my son that he was made through IVF - we needed help from the drs to make him as we couldn’t make a baby by ourselves so they took a bit of mummy and daddy and put them together. It’s not been a big moment and is just normal to him.

In my dd’s reception class of 12, 8 of the kids were IVF. I only know this because dd came home and asked what IVF was because she wanted to be it.

Your wife is absolutely right. This really isn’t the big deal you think it is and your dc should have been told.

If your child was adopted then I could understand it being a really big thing you deal with differently and decide when and how to tell her. But what's the issue with IVF if you are both the parents? I'm amazed it's taken till 16 to tell her to be honest. I can see many occasions where something like this could be dropped into conversations. Maybe your wife told her as could see you building it into a massive and unnecessary issue.

What at the things you feel you need to sit down and tell her about that would have to wait till after GCSEs?

WTF were you waiting for.

It should have been a non-issue because she knew from the start. YABVU.

Unless it involved donor egg or sperm then I don’t think it’s a big deal at all.

Posters doing it again because you are a man. Completely ignoring the issue here. Not that you had her by IVF, but that you wanted to tell her together.

Why have you built it up into such a huge deal? I agree with your wife that it really isn't, and it doesn't sound like your daughter is bothered by it.

You are both her biological parents and she was a much wanted and longed for baby even if she wasn't conceived in the most conventional way. It doesn't matter and is only a big deal to you.

You need to let this go and get a grip of things. You are blowing it up into something it just isn't.

Sounds like you think IVF is something to keep hidden and be ashamed of.

Why?

If there are no donors involved, is there any reason why anyone would actually care if they were conceived through IVF?

I don't feel like 'Dad's penis wasn't inside Mum's vagina at the moment of conception' is really akin to a 'By the way, you're adopted' announcement.

Telling your kids how they were conceived like it should be a big deal to them is really weird. I have NO idea how I was conceived because frankly my parents sex life and fertility is none of my business. It is the same for your daughter.

if you must insist on the Eastenders/Corrie type main character syndrome type drama why didn’t this come up when your child was in primary school/first learning about different families? Surely then is the time to say ‘families are made in different ways - when your mum and I were making our family we needed help from the doctor and blah blah blah’.

Kindly, get a life.

Get over it.

Why does it matter how the kid was conceived?

What a weird view! Telling your child they are adopted etc, yes I get it. Telling them how they are conceived....what a strange thought process making it into a deal.

Why couldn't she be told in an age appropriate way as soon as possible? My sons known since forever. The doctors made him because mummy & daddy had bits that didn't work properly. Why in the name of the holy are you making it into such a big deal?

Huh?

Why have you made it into such a thing? It isn't a dirty secret.

Nothing to do with being a man. People can't understand the strange thought process of making it into such a big deal if you actually read the comments. The wife obviously thinks the same as all of us.