Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

This isn't about you or your wife, it is about your daughter knowing and having the right to know.

BTW 16 is far too old.

I thought my wife telling her when she knew I wasn't ready was out of order, but apparently not!

So this basically has nothing whatsoever to do with your child being born with the help of IVF and how she might feel about it, it is entirely about your feelings about the process of IVF and what that means to you as a man ?

This 100%
Making it into a big announcement later is a terrible idea. If you wanted to be involved you shouldnt have kept kicking it down the road.

"I've deleted the poll because it's not about keeping score"

more like you've deleted it because it was 100% YABU. and that doesnt support your narrative...

I’d like to hear this from your wife’s POV.

When you say you discussed it together, and came to a decision together, maybe it felt to her like she brought it up and you refused to discuss it.

Which would account for why she did it without discussing, it once again, because she felt like talking to you about it would be a waste of breath.

I think OP has flounced off after seeing that the majority of the women of mumsnet aren't going to think what he tells them to. Much like his wife.

He's drawn in a bloody swarm of whiny men in his wake, though. "Never mind the child at the heart of this, forget about her. This scene I'm making up that didn't happen? If it happened, Mumsnet would disapprove, therefore I am systemically oppressed for being a man!"

Jeez, you'd think they'd be embarrassed.

I think he's flounced off because the only person IVF is a big deal to is him.
And he's spent 16 years building it up in his head to either be something super special or something ultra embarrassing.

I bet the DD doesn't give a hoot but I do agree she should know because things like PCOS can run in families.

OP is long gone, but the thread discussions have continued to be interesting regardless.

And as a PP points out, it's given the usual parrots a lovely opportunity to swoop in with their repetitive squawk of 'Man hater! Man hater!'

Wow I can't believe the comments on here. I think you have every right to be annoyed, ignore the stupid comments on here and have the conversation with your wife that what she did is not okay.

Why is it such a big deal?
When do you think the DD should know?

And nothing to do with the daughter being ready.

It's this father who has to be "ready". What's the matter @Dymaxion - do you not like the thought of your daughter now knowing that you wanked into a cup?

You should have told her when she was 4. She wouldn't have given it a second thought, because she didn't know the mechanics.

It just doesnt feel like a topic that should have ever been kept a secret, she carried and gave birth, wasnt a surrogate, wasnt a donor, just had some help along the way, nothing shady or weird or taboo or embarrassing, nothing going to make her question who she really is or her parents. Think you both maybe made it such a huge deal when in reality to your child its not at all life changing

"you've been a very naughty wife" 😂

Honestly, it's been almost a year since the daughter was told, it's been 5 months since OP found out. The genie is out of the bottle, he needs to get over it.

As PPs mentioned, if it was so important to OP to be part of the conversation then he should have proposed an actual age to tell the daughter rather than just repeatedly blocking his wife. The DD deserved to know at some point (medically useful information), and it sounds like he was going to just repeatedly veto telling her - I bet his excuse would've been AS/A levels/Driving exam/Uni applications/Freshers week/Uni exams etc. When would he have felt was the 'right' time?

It sounds like the wife and daughter had a healthy chat about the IVF thing and the daughter wasn't traumatised by the information (because it's borderline boring to be honest - it's not a grand revelation, it's like being told you were a C section), OP needs to gain some perspective and get over himself

@CaribouCarafe I didn't even realise it was March 23 she was told and Sept before he realised.
Then his comment about wanting to have a discussion about it.
Really what is there to discuss?

Bloody hell… you were (lucky enough to) conceive via IVF.. you didn’t find her in a ditch or steal her from a maternity ward! I hope she doesn’t get ANY inkling you’re being weird (and a bit obnoxious) about this or she might get some kind of idea that being conceived this way is somehow less than ok.

The ONLY way it’s at all big deal at all is in a positive way.. you wanted opinions, there’s mine. Stop being weird.. apologise to you wife and check your daughter knows that her being an IVF baby is completely fine and actually makes her even more of gift than she would have been if conceived naturally.

This is a non-issue, are you also planning an elaborate reveal to your other child on where they were conceived? Perhaps cluedo style - Mr Plum in the conservatory with the turkey baster?

Both my kids are IVF. They have always known. Why keep it a secret to begin with? Seems a little strange to me.

I really can’t see what the fuss is about. YABU.

if your wife went against what you had agreed then it seems a bit unfair to you but also I don’t think it’s a big deal that your daughter was IVF and needn’t have been kept secret from her.

You are making a non issue into an issue. That is much more likely to upset your daughter.

Sorry but it really isn't a big deal. It's not like she was adopted or some big secret. She is still your child

A woman who posted what you have would have got the same responses that you tell kids in an age appropriate way from the beginning rather than make a big thing of doing a reveal when they are an adult, which it looks like you were going to do as she's nearly an adult.

Don’t these kind of revelations tend to come about organically? Maybe it became relevant to a conversation they were having, and your wife didn’t want to lie to her any more.

Why you kept this from her for so long, making it into a deception, is baffling. I’d be quite annoyed if I was your daughter.

Can I ask why you use a website where you have such a low opinion of the advice given by posters on here?