Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

Different if she’d gone ahead and done it anyway the first time she brought it up and realised her husband had a problem but not years later after several times of asking and having him refuse to give permission.

Honestly if he’s still sulking about this months later his marriage and his relationship with his daughter will be in jeopardy but he clearly either hasn’t realised or neither of those relationships are as important to him as his hurty feelings that his wife disobeyed him.

Yes you are.
Why are you making it all about you?
If the timing had been left up to you, when would you have told her? On your deathbed?

It's the still being cross about it, 4 months after finding out and almost a year after DD was told, that is most problematic now. It's not going to change anything, the DD knows now, she's cool with it, why is OP still angry and seemingly still clinging onto the anger?

There would always have been a reason it wasn't the right time.

I’m really confused as to why it’s an issue, as in why is it big news that needs to be broken to her? It’s not as though she was adopted. I really don’t understand that.
That said, it was wrong of your wife to tell your daughter without your knowledge (essentially behind your back) when she knew it was an issue for you.

Did she fail all her GCSEs?

If not, you are making a fuss about nothing.

And as for 'ignoring your other half's wishes" - you'd been doing that for years when your wife wanted to tell your daughter earlier.

In general, the earlier. child is told about anything unusual regarding their conception or birth, the better. They then grow up being aware of it, accepting it as the way it is, and not regarding it as some big family secret.

You are being a bit silly - there are lots of children born via IVF these days, and it's nothing to be ashamed or secretive about, or to make a great fuss about.

When were you going to tell her? On your deathbed?

Your wife was right. You were wrong. Suck it up!

It is bizarre that this is treated as a big deal? You're acting like she told her that she was adopted (which actually ALL the advice is that you never keep that a secret from them so I imagine the same must be true for IVF). You've both made it really weird when it should have just told her whilst having the 'where babies come from' conversation.

when would you have told her? On your deathbed?

Sorry Flopsy

Just typed this and didn't realise you'd already said it. I'd already edited for spelling and was too late to go back in and change it.

Anyway - great minds, eh?

The issue here that other posters who have replied appear to have missed, is not if you should tell your daughter she was IVF conceived or not. The issue is that you felt you wanted to have this discussion together with your wife at what you felt was the right time You made this clear to your wife. She did not honour what you asked of her, which to you is a big thing. She has therefore undermined you and taken your feelings as irrelevant. Therefore I can understand why you feel very annoyed and upset. Your feelings are totally valid. You need to explain how you feel to your wife and she needs to understand how you feel. Saying it's no big deal is not good enough. If you do not have this conversation you could move into continued resentment. Communication is everything.

I’m puzzled as to why this is such a big deal. IVF is so commonplace these days - I know of three children (all under 7) born that way.

My 6yo has known for 4 years I had a Caesarian, what’s the difference (apart from IVF being much more stressful)?

Edit: but yes, as other posters have said, it’s respecting your communication wishes that is key. Perhaps your DW felt that sitting down and announcing her previous fertility problems to a young, probably hyper-fertile woman in solemn / sepulchral tones would be embarrassing or shaming. The relationship between mothers and daughters during the teen years can be extremely highly-charged.

You've obviously left something out. It's a complete non issue...

This

Sorry but being a girl and it is the kindof thing a mum would chat about more comfortably. I think you probably need to apologise and move in since your daughter is perfectly happy which is all you want anyhow

It sounds like you discussed it and then your wife chose to do what you wanted. But it wasn't a big deal to her so when it came up it came out. Why are you so entitled about this? It might have been nice to have a family discussion about it, but it's not big deal, really. And have you considered that your wife did not agree with you but got heartily sick of you being so precious about the whole thing and decided to do what she thought was best? You seem hung up on the idea that you did not personally deliver the sperm to the ovum but it was done in a petri dish. This all sounds as though it's about your masculinity and ability to father a child rather than something that your daughter needed to know (it will be on her medical records so she would have found out eventually). Honestly, grow up.

OP, if it was a donor egg (or sperm - not sure if you’re make or female), or a surrogacy, I’d understand your frustration. As that would need discussion re:bio parent.

If not, I think you’re making a big deal out of this where none is needed. Sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear.
Your daughter is fine with it, pick your battles.

The women in this group would never take yours side, they are very against men in here, sorry for the negative response, if it was the woman who had been left out and not been there when child was told, you would of been accused of controlling and wife should divorce you.

This is bananas. Why is it such an issue? I bet the DD asked the mum at some point who didn't see the sense in lying to her. The only things done wrong in this scenario were making such a big deal of it that it was a secret for 16 years and making a fuss about it now.

Your wife disrespected your wishes. And this thread is crackers, very sad to see so many anti man views.

It’s not a sex chat. Both of you don’t need to tell her and frankly I don’t see why you should. It’s also weird that you keep referring to her as ivf. She’s just a teenager that got conceived using a little help. She’s still yours. I think you must still have underlying issues regarding the ivf and need to seek therapy to resolve them. This isn’t Normal.

If she's 16 and you're still not ready, it doesn't look like you'll ever be.
You said about she's going againat your wishes, what about your wife's?
And whyyyy the big secret? How is it even any issue at all?

I'm astonished to get this far into a thread and only just now find this REALLY important point. Just thinking about all the times this woman must have had to edit out an incredibly important part of her life in case DD overheard, my god.

And if there is a hereditary element to the fertility issues, surely a 16 yr old who might confide in mum about a broken condom (for example) might need to know that conception may not be as easy as she fears it to be.

That age is far, far too late for a "lovely conversation" about possibly relevant medical history that just one person out of the three gets to block.

"I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score"

translate: I don't want those Vipers to show me just how pathetic I'm being about this very non-issue. 🙄😂

You are totally right to be furious, the way i see it is it doesn't really matter what way your daughter was conceived and then for your wife to tell your daughter right before exams (they are stressful enough)

I'm so, so bored of whinging dudes coming on here to complain that it's not ManKind. If you have to seek out female-centred websites to get your daily dose of imagined victimhood, and if you can't see past your fragile sense of male self to get that what matters here is the child's best interests - which do not include hiding and dramatising her conception as if there were something wrong with it - then you aren't actually oppressed. Sorry. You'll have to find some other reason for whatever it is you're compensating for.

I think that your view of DD being conceived by IVF being big, earth-shattering news to her is coloured by your experience.

I have no experience with IVF but my understanding is that it was probably a very hard and emotional time for you and your wife, you would have been arranging your life around treatment, you would have been anxious about its success, your marriage may have been under strain at times, you might have found it hard to deal with seeing pregnant relatives and newborns etc.

It's understandable that it feels a massive thing to you, but with no biological donors involved I think it probably wasn't as big a deal to DD as you have built it up in your head.