Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

YANBU. Your wife knew it was a big deal because she kept asking you if you thought it was the right time, so she knew it was important to you.

And her telling dd on her 16th birthday shows again that your wife did place importance on it.

I think you need to make these points to your wife.

If you (as the father) had told dd without checking with your wife, you would be getting VERY different responses on Mumsnet. And your wife would definitely have thought it was a big deal.

That really isn't an explanation for 8 out of 12.

As someone who wasn't able to have Children and went through 2 rounds of IVF I totally disagree with others who say it's not a big deal. If they understood the stress and anxiousness that a couple (yes ) both apply. I do think you would have been best to explain earlier (as Mum and Dad ) but understand the reluctance. When DD was going through her exams was definitely not the right time. I always say " walk a mile in their shoes". I do hope you can find peace regarding this issue.

But why would it be a big deal for the resulting child? Why would it derail their exams??

It's an explanation for literally every child who was a result of assisted conception...

People being older is certainly one factor (and I suspect it's what you were angling for) but yes, once upon a time, if you couldn't have kids then that was that. Now there is assistance, many kids exist who otherwise wouldn't.

My exH & I conceived both our children via ICSI IVF due to 'male factor' issues.
He didn't cope well with it, psychologically. He failed to bond with our 1st child to the extent I eventually told him (12m in to get a DNA test if needed)
I think for him it was that he had 'needed help to get his wife pregnant' ??
It was 20 & 17 years ago respectively & there was no counselling available.

He, (possibly like the OP?) saw IVF as somehow shameful & insisted the children were not told (even though the clinic told us we must certainly tell our son as the Mf might be heritable & I was not going to tell 1 child & not the other...)
ExH was not happy when I did but I'd had enough of the secrecy by then. Both kids felt it was 'not a big deal' apparantly - "your 'stuff' really though interesting"

My second daughter was born via ivf
She has known in like forever...
Since a few years old
Not sure why this is such a big deal
I tell her she was born out of love so not sure why this matters?

'... we DISCUSSED it, and decided between US that WE...' yet in your op you said 'Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.' Doesn't sound like a discussion to me, that sounds like you dictating because you're ashamed that you needed a little help to conceive.

Maybe ask OP’s wife who told dd on her 16th birthday.

I’ve always been open about this with my DD, we haven’t had the facts of life talk yet but whenever the subject of how she came to be is brought up I always tell her that Mummy’s tummy needed a bit of help from the doctor to make her. Another family member also had fertility issues and I am open with her about that too so that she understands it is very common. I don’t want her to feel that there is any secrecy or shame in how she was conceived.

bombardelli
Quote
Maybe ask OP’s wife who told dd on her 16th birthday.
..reply... why comment this?
She's obviously not on here to comment!

I think other factors would be affluence and timing - I'm guessing quite a few of these were likely privately funded rather than on the NHS, so might be a case of parents being able to afford IVF and having prioritised careers first and then choosing to have children.

In other cases, the parents would have been able to conceive eventually but the TTC process had taken longer than expected so they went down the IVF route instead (e.g. my husband and I took 3.5 years to conceive and we did discuss IVF, as we could easily have afforded it but preferred to try naturally for the first decade).

Nonetheless, I have read that fertility is dropping in actively TTC couples , due to a mix of environmental factors - apparently our grandparents were more fertile than us. Anecdotally, my mum is 1 of 6 children and my dad is 1 of 5, neither of their parents had difficulty conceiving whereas my siblings and I all took over a year to conceive (DB1 = 1.25 years, DB2 = 6 years, Me = 3.5 years) and there's been some fertility issues amongst some other couples in my generation in my family too.

As you had the agreement to tell her together I can see that you feel hurt and not listened to. But I can see by sitting your daughter down and waiting until she is old enough could make it into a bigger issue for her. As her parents it would have been a rollercoaster going through that process. But Maybe that is where your emotions are coming from connected to this. Perhaps you and your wife need to look at that. Surely your daughter feels even more wanted because of it?

I do think that the OP's wife should have told OP that she had had the discussion. It is his story too. I don't think telling the DC is wrong though. At 16 she is old enough to be told.

I cannot understand the fuss about this! My daughter has known she was conceived through IVF as long as she's known about reproduction. It didn't phase her in the slightest. In fact, I think she finds it easier than the more conventional explanation as she's still at the "You and Daddy did WHAT?!" phase!

Waiting until 16 as if it's some dirty secret blows my mind!

Ah so when you decide something for both of you that's fine.
When your wife decides something for both of you then it's out of order.
Right, got it.

I do think it’s really weird that she did it without you being there. It’s not “her” news, it’s both of yours.

From chatting to some of the parents, they felt that it was likely age related. They were older parents in their late thirties/forties. Although two of the families that I know of did manage to conceive a second child naturally. One was a lesbian couple. Can’t speak for the rest.

I was somewhat surprised but didn’t think of it as a negative. They are lovely parents so why shouldn’t they have the chance to have children.

I can understand your wife wanting to tell her incase the cause is heriditary and your daughter may need help with her own gynecology issues or perhaps your daughter may later want her fertility to be something she's aware of incase she doesn't meet the right person until nearer her 30s or whatever if she decides she wants children herself.

Your wife asked you many times, at 16 your daughter has more autonomy over her gynecology stuff. Of course your wife wanted to tell her. We rightly don't know what it is, it could be endometriosis or a medical problem that may need dealing with or checking on down the line for her.

What I find weird is your insistence repeatedly you weren't ready to tell her like it's a dirty little secret and she shouldn't know and to be furious that she now knows after you dillied and dallied for so long.

My twins are IVF (both biologically mine and my husbands). We didn't see IVF as a big "reveal", I actually told the children when they were about 7 that I'd had IVF because they were talking about how to make a baby and it seemed an appropriate time to naturally put into a conversation that actually they had been conceived slightly differently to the regular way. They were intrigued, they asked a couple of questions, we had dinner....it was no big deal.

I do have sympathy with you not wanting to discuss something with your child and a partner going behind your back and having that discussion - the principle is a potential issue in your marriage - that of open communication, compromise and trust. That said the non issue of your biological child being conceived via IVF seems a ridiculous thing to be upset about. Probably 10% of her school year are also the product of IVF.

(both my dn's were conceived by ivf. It changes nothing about them! If anything they're seen as more precious to the family because their parents tried for 12 yrs before ivf and also first grandchildren for the parents.)

I completely agree with you that she shouldn’t have told after agreeing with you that she would wait. Worse still, she didn’t tell you she’d told! So I get that you are doubly angry. Not a lot you can do about it though - you can’t put the genie back in the bottle. I hope she apologised to you at least twice.

He disregarded her wishes for years, she put his needs first for years on this. Why is his wish to not tell their kid she was conceived through IVF for 16 years more important then her wishes or than their daughter's needs. Id be thinking WTF and wondering why my parents hadn't told me till now and were they somehow ashamed of my conception. He's made a big issue of something that should have been just a tiny part of her story.

Like others have said, I don't know why this is such a big deal. At all. If anything it shows how very wanted and loved she was/is.

@Timbuck3 Point is clearly not taken.
You're clearly irritated that people aren't unilaterally agreeing with you.

I understand being irritated that your wife told your daughter without you knowing. I also understand that she would have been frustrated about the delay.

Leaving it so long and wanting to sit down and tell her together makes it seem a massive deal, which it isn't.
Suspect your wife had enough of her views not being listened to and decided to go rogue. I don't blame her.