Told she was IVF

[Timbuck3]

Name changed for this:
My wife and I had a child and wanted a second. Wife couldn't conceive again so we went down the IVF route and she fell pregnant. Daughter was born. Wife asked me whether we should tell daughter she was conceived using IVF and I said, Yes, definitely, but only when the time was right.
Wife has asked a few times since and I've always said not yet.
In September last year we were having a discussion, can't remember about what exactly, but it came out that my daughter knew about her being IVF. I froze! My daughter said "I've known since March. Mum told me on my 16th birthday!"
I was furious! I should have been part of that conversation! I wouldn't have told her then because she was just coming up to doing her GCSEs, but she would have been told soon enough.
When I finally calmed down enough to properly discuss this with my wife, she just said, "Sorry, I didn't think it was that big a deal". Even though I'd told her often enough that i didn't think it was the right time.

I'm not saying that it had to be when I said so, but i think a decision like this should definitely have been a joint one with almost a power of veto.
I've deleted the poll as I'm not looking for a score, but just wanted opinions because despite it being months ago, I'm still seriously pissed off about it. I know I've got to have a proper discussion with my daughter about it, and I will, but I think it would have been a lovely discussion for the three of us to have had at the right time. I've effectively had that taken away from me.

I've been through three rounds of IVF. It's a horrible emotional rollercoaster and very traumatic, especially when (as I did) you keep experiencing miscarriage as a consequence. That's without the invasive nature of the procedure, the horrible things down regulation does to your body and the painful harvesting of eggs.

That's aside from the point. IVF is a big deal, at the point of use, for the parents.

It does not need to be made into one for any resulting children.

"Seems it's ok to just ignore your other half's wishes"
Quite.
But it's ok for you to ignore your wife's wishes for years it seems?! If you're this controlling you need to take a good look at yourself.

Your dd is over 16?? You should have told her long ago, then it wouldn't have been an issue.

It's still not an issue. Just shows hot much you both wanted a dc.

You sound a little controlling here...

I think the responses on here would be incredibly different if a man had told his daughter without his wife being present, when she'd specifically requested she be included in the conversation!

However, I do feel your daughter should just have been brought up with the fact and that it should never have become such a big deal!

This!

Stop sulking. It must be a nightmare for your wife and daughter living with that. Let it go.

If she was 16, I doubt that.

I think it’s a shame the OP didn’t explain why he was so bothered by the IVF thing. That’s what was interesting. Why did he feel it was such an important detail akin to being adopted or created by donor ingredients? Do many parents using IVF feel this way? Is there a degree of shame that their child wasn’t conceived naturally? I mean, I get that the natural way is the preferred option for lots of reasons but is IVF conception somehow embarrassing? I didn’t realise. I would have loved the OP to give an insight into that.

I disagree. I think that if a woman has posted that they had refused to let their h tell their dc several times, and the dc was now 16, the consensus would be that they were BU, not their partner.

Or maybe OP could have respected his wife's wishes, any of the multiple times she requested to tell the daughter. It's long past time to have shared the information. It would have been wonderful to tell DC together; if only OP had chosen to cooperate any of the times his wife asked.

Ironically, he wanted to have the final say as to when to tell DC. He's upset that his wife decided to take that privilege instead.

OP, now is the time to let go of the hurt feelings and angry bitterness. Support your daughter; tell her how important IVF was to you- how important SHE is to you. Let her see that you're proud of how she came to be. And if you're NOT proud of that, you should be. You and your wife (and the medical team) accomplished a little miracle.

I don't see the issue with a child being IVF.

If anything it shows them how much they were wanted to go to that amount of medical intervention to have them.

I teach reproduction in school and the kids don't see IVF as any differently.

Telling your child they were the product of a one night stand would be far more traumatic for a child!

I totally agree that sometimes it’s fine to disregard your partner’s wishes for the greater good of your child. Your wife got fed up waiting for her lord and master to decree it the right moment for the grand unveiling of this deep dark ridiculous secret and, quite rightly, thought it was her prerogative to share her reproductive history with her almost-adult child.

I totally agree with the posters who have pointed out that the IVF process impacted your wife much more than you and the story of her daughter’s conception and birth is hers to tell. You played a tiny role. Get over it and stop being a weird, controlling gatekeeper to women’s reproductive and sexual histories.

I am sorry I find this whole thread unreasonable. I agree that IVF isnt a big deal etc but at the same time I can understand why you felt betrayed as your wife knew it was a big deal to YOU, agreed to not say anything and then went ahead and did it anyway. That IMO isnt right

Your wife should have told you that she’d told her but on the whole I agree that she should have been told earlier as it’s not a big deal.

It would be different if it wasn’t your sperm. Then it’s absolutely your right to tell her yourself, but again, the earlier the better.

It's a big deal for the parents, not for the resulting child, unless the parents are intent on making it a big deal and giving the kid a complex about it.

Does nobody else find this odd and a worry? What has happened to natural fertility 2/3rds of a class had to be born using assisted conception. There must be a reason for this.

The existence of fertility treatment will be one huge factor. Once upon a time, all these people just wouldn't have had kids at all.

You are being very strange - it is no big deal. And making it all about you! You sound so self absorbed.

I’d hardly call waiting 16 years to do something totally normal “ignoring your wishes” OP.

Can you articulate why your daughter knowing how she was conceived is so upsetting for you?

How long are you going to hold this over your wife for? You sound very controlling and unpleasant.

I really want to ask - why would you not tell her? Why was it something you thought needed hiding til she was 16?

YABU

its no big deal

if that’s all you have to worry about, you’re doing well!

@Timbuck3

Its not about you though either though is it?

Its about your daughter and arguably this is one of those things she has a right to know regardless of whether you like it or not. That said IVF isn't a big deal either. Why does it bother you so much? Does it hurt your male pride? Or do you just wish to control your wife and daughter?

I think so too. I think op needs counselling to deal with his feelings around nit being able to get his wife pregnant a second time. Sounds like some underlying shame or something around a thing that is no big deal at all.

I told dc1 at 3 when they asked about babies. No discussion with dp, I just answered a question when asked. This is not something to be left until 16!

Of the wishes are catsuit and bad for the child, I would be disregarding them altogether.