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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men and their fucking man flu

149 replies

Floofydawg · 11/01/2024 08:03

My DH has been ill for a couple of weeks. Has anti biotics for a chest infection. He's off work and trying to get better. I do sympathise. However, he is a fucking grumpy bastard and it appears I'm not allowed to a) disagree with him about anything or b) ask him to do anything around the house, however minor. I'm doing my best, honestly I am. But I'm working and running around like an idiot cooking meals for him and keeping the house running while he sits on the sofa under the duvet of doom. Is it just men who expect the world to stop when they're ill or am I being unsympathetic?

OP posts:
greasypolemonkeyman · 11/01/2024 08:04

Had the dressing gown of Doom and slippers of shuffling misery appeared yet? Only one thing for it, get him to the beets and euthanise him quickly.

Mrsjayy · 11/01/2024 08:08

I mean he has a chest infection it isn't exactly "man flu" Is it? he sounds like he feels rotten, however you don't have to take any of his nonsense ignore him or tell him he's a miserable git.

Vinrouge4 · 11/01/2024 08:08

It is annoying. Most women cannot just give up and lie on the sofa as they are responsible for running the house, working, school runs etc. I remember having a bug when my children were small and my husband still merrily went off to work. I just had to cope. Maybe he should decamp to the bedroom if he feels that unwell.

AlisonDonut · 11/01/2024 08:10

For me, if you are ill enough to warrant doing nothing round the house, you need to be in bed.

If you are well enough to get up, you need to get dressed and do stuff. It really improves the process of getting back to normal.

Original poster
Floofydawg · 11/01/2024 08:12

He's just stormed out because I'm apparently giving him no consideration for the fact that he's ill. FFS. I'm checking into a premier inn til he's better, have had enough.

OP posts:
justalittlesnoel · 11/01/2024 08:13

I mean 50/50 - he's got antibiotics for a chest infection so it's clearly not imaginary, which must be annoying being ill for so long. However it doesn't give him reason to be grumpy or disagreeable! Even when ill there's things you have to get done, he just needs to help with the little things. I wouldn't be expecting someone with a chest infection to hoover the whole house or something like that, but clearing up after food, unloading the dishes etc surely should be within his reach!

As PP said if he's well enough to be downstairs then he isn't that bad, whenever I'm properly sick and incapacitated I am in bed!

planetarynoodle · 11/01/2024 08:14

A doctor has diagnosed him so it's not "man flu". Yes it's annoying he expects the world to stop but just remember next time you get really ill you can lie in bed and do nothing for a couple of days too.

planetarynoodle · 11/01/2024 08:15

Floofydawg · 11/01/2024 08:12

He's just stormed out because I'm apparently giving him no consideration for the fact that he's ill. FFS. I'm checking into a premier inn til he's better, have had enough.

What are you asking him to do?

I usually say "I know you're ill - is there anything you think you can do?

Toomuch44 · 11/01/2024 08:18

Some people get over chest infections easily. I've had pneumonia and a chest infection, felt equally ill and it took me about six weeks to just about get back to normality with both.

I don't think I was grumpy, but I would say I didn't have much in me to focus on anything, and sometimes this comes out in different ways for different people - DH had to run a bath and help me into it with my chest infection as I hadn't had a shower/wash for four days at the start, and was in tears as I was worried I smelt. With regards to doing jobs, I could nearly shower for the first two weeks in both cases, just managed to get myself a cold drink and fruit to eat (all I wanted).

Try and make things as easy as you can for yourself - very easy meals, only do what housework really needs to be done as well.

Original poster
Floofydawg · 11/01/2024 08:19

I asked him to put the washing on (I had already sorted it) and open the curtains in the spare room where he slept. That's it. Apparently it's 'how I asked' which is the problem.

Oh and while I'm at it. Last night I asked him how many days of meds he had. He cut me off before I'd finished speaking and said 'I've taken 3 days.' I said no that's not what I asked - how many days did they give you? Cue another row because apparently I don't ask things in a clear enough way. Not that he cuts me off and doesn't fucking listen.

OP posts:
ilovelamp82 · 11/01/2024 08:22

Travelodge sounds like a great idea. Being ill doesn't mean. He gets to treat you like shit. Enjoy your peace.

Vinrouge4 · 11/01/2024 08:24

He sounds like a complete twat. How rude. I would definitely get out for the day and leave him to it. Find a cosy cafe to work in.

gannett · 11/01/2024 08:24

I don't understand the MN trope of moaning about ill husbands, dressing gowns of doom etc.

When I'm ill, DP looks after me, brings me medicine, makes me nourishing soup and generally lets me nestle in the sofa for hours on end sniffling and wearing, yes, my dressing gown. When he is ill I do the same for him!

One of the points of having a partner is for someone to be sympathetic and look after you when you're ill. Someone who realises that life can in fact be paused if we're burned out or run down. I think if DP was the sort of man to moan about chores at me when I was ill, I would have left him long ago.

Mrsjayy · 11/01/2024 08:26

you sound done with him, just go to the travelodge then you don't have to look at him, fwiw if my husband asked me to put a wash on whilst I was ill he would be told to get lost.

Mrsjayy · 11/01/2024 08:27

why does the bedroom curtains need to be opened?

gannett · 11/01/2024 08:29

Floofydawg · 11/01/2024 08:19

I asked him to put the washing on (I had already sorted it) and open the curtains in the spare room where he slept. That's it. Apparently it's 'how I asked' which is the problem.

Oh and while I'm at it. Last night I asked him how many days of meds he had. He cut me off before I'd finished speaking and said 'I've taken 3 days.' I said no that's not what I asked - how many days did they give you? Cue another row because apparently I don't ask things in a clear enough way. Not that he cuts me off and doesn't fucking listen.

If you went out of your way to ask him to open the curtains in his own room, you can't have had that many things on your plate. Talk about pointless requests.

Lottapianos · 11/01/2024 08:30

'I don't understand the MN trope of moaning about ill husbands, dressing gowns of doom etc.'

Me neither. Men are allowed to be ill! DP and I step up and take care of each other if the other person is ill, that's just normal behaviour. Yes it can be annoying if someone is lying on the couch all day every day but it sounds like this is a much bigger issue than just his current illness

planetarynoodle · 11/01/2024 08:32

How did you ask?

Fifthtimelucky · 11/01/2024 08:32

I used to share your general view of man flu. However, a few years ago my husband was off work with "man flu". I helpfully told him to stop moaning and have some lemsip.

I used to work at home on Fridays and he made an appointment with the GP for that day and asked me to drive him there. The GP said he had pleurisy, prescribed antibiotics and told him to go back in a week if he wasn't feeling better.

I took him back a week later and he was told he had double pneumonia and to go straight to A&E. He stayed in hospital for about 5 days.

I've been a bit more sympathetic since then!

planetarynoodle · 11/01/2024 08:33

Lottapianos · 11/01/2024 08:30

'I don't understand the MN trope of moaning about ill husbands, dressing gowns of doom etc.'

Me neither. Men are allowed to be ill! DP and I step up and take care of each other if the other person is ill, that's just normal behaviour. Yes it can be annoying if someone is lying on the couch all day every day but it sounds like this is a much bigger issue than just his current illness

I think the issue is when the other partner is ill no one thinks they might feel like lying around doing nothing too

SpeedyDrama · 11/01/2024 08:34

gannett · 11/01/2024 08:24

I don't understand the MN trope of moaning about ill husbands, dressing gowns of doom etc.

When I'm ill, DP looks after me, brings me medicine, makes me nourishing soup and generally lets me nestle in the sofa for hours on end sniffling and wearing, yes, my dressing gown. When he is ill I do the same for him!

One of the points of having a partner is for someone to be sympathetic and look after you when you're ill. Someone who realises that life can in fact be paused if we're burned out or run down. I think if DP was the sort of man to moan about chores at me when I was ill, I would have left him long ago.

That’s great, genuinely. But many men don’t ’make soup’ or get on with things when their partners are ill. They also absolutely drag out their own illness to the last degree - no one would disagree that an initial chest infection is horrible but illness often really highlights the different expectations of the sexes. After two weeks, I don’t think the op is unreasonable to expect some light housework to be shared. Opening the curtains isn’t even a ‘chore’!

I left my partner because he was absolutely ridiculous when ill, and if I was ill he’d magically catch the same thing within the hour and take to bed/sleeping on the sofa, leaving me to carry on with family life. He missed a contact day recently due to having a ‘poorly tummy’ and took to bed for 5 hours simply because I mentioned having an upset stomach myself over text message. You tend to lose sympathy very quickly for men like this unless they’re on their deathbed.

planetarynoodle · 11/01/2024 08:34

Fifthtimelucky · 11/01/2024 08:32

I used to share your general view of man flu. However, a few years ago my husband was off work with "man flu". I helpfully told him to stop moaning and have some lemsip.

I used to work at home on Fridays and he made an appointment with the GP for that day and asked me to drive him there. The GP said he had pleurisy, prescribed antibiotics and told him to go back in a week if he wasn't feeling better.

I took him back a week later and he was told he had double pneumonia and to go straight to A&E. He stayed in hospital for about 5 days.

I've been a bit more sympathetic since then!

I agree. Sometimes it is "man flu" and the WORST COLD EVER. Sometimes they are really quite ill.

THisbackwithavengeance · 11/01/2024 08:34

Are people really so incapacitated by the usual winter bugs that they can do nothing other than lie on the sofa whining?

Surely you dose yourself up with paracetamol, cold & Flu medication etc and crack on with life?

I can't bear people with minor illness shuffling around like dying swans. Get a grip.

I bet if the situation were reversed, the OP would just carry on business as usual, feeling like shit - granted - but coping nonetheless and would get no particular sympathy or help from her DH.

planetarynoodle · 11/01/2024 08:37

THisbackwithavengeance · 11/01/2024 08:34

Are people really so incapacitated by the usual winter bugs that they can do nothing other than lie on the sofa whining?

Surely you dose yourself up with paracetamol, cold & Flu medication etc and crack on with life?

I can't bear people with minor illness shuffling around like dying swans. Get a grip.

I bet if the situation were reversed, the OP would just carry on business as usual, feeling like shit - granted - but coping nonetheless and would get no particular sympathy or help from her DH.

It's a chest infection. That's not a normal witner bug.

I find it odd that you are thinking he should be cracking on with life just because OP wouldn't get any sympathy if it were the other way round.

The answer is surely they both to their best to do what needs to be done AND they both cut each other some slack when ill.

DeeIee · 11/01/2024 08:37

I mean it's hard to judge with no idea how bad he is. But you do sound like you're being harsh in the way you're speaking. Why do you need to ask him to open curtains in a room he is in? He's an adult. Asking how many days of antibiotics he had can totally mean "how many days have you taken them for" so maybe chill a bit?