Men and their fucking man flu

[Floofydawg]

My DH has been ill for a couple of weeks. Has anti biotics for a chest infection. He's off work and trying to get better. I do sympathise. However, he is a fucking grumpy bastard and it appears I'm not allowed to a) disagree with him about anything or b) ask him to do anything around the house, however minor. I'm doing my best, honestly I am. But I'm working and running around like an idiot cooking meals for him and keeping the house running while he sits on the sofa under the duvet of doom. Is it just men who expect the world to stop when they're ill or am I being unsympathetic?

Not the sofa (jk)

Can you imagine the responses on here if a woman started a thread saying I have a chest infection and my husband won't allow me to be on the sofa, should not be in a dressing gown and insists I stay in bed oh but they also want me to help out with chores or open the spare bedroom curtain and just get on soldier on doing stuff like cleaning, cooking and what not

How many ltb would we get 😆

Out of my DH and I, I am by FAR the more dramatic when ill.

I'm currently off work with a chest inflation. The Doctor gave me auntiebiotics. If I sit very still and keep my breathing shallow I feel a bit ill. If I move I have a coffin fit which hurts and makes me dizzy and feel sick. Not doing anything is sometimes The Cure.

If you have no children though, can you not just ignore him?

There's the SC though, who I'm cooking and washing for.

I think a lot of the issues come from men being allowed to think (societally) that parenting/house work is optional. Work is important, so they don't take sick days unless dying, but parenting, well that's ultimately the missus' responsibility. Some men think that if they 'help out' at home, they are a top bloke.
So when they are ill, they take to their bed in the assumption their wives will take care of everything. Women, when ill, still think about feeding the kids and sorting out the pets and putting a wash on, so there's clean school uniforms.

Ridiculous comments on here, men get ill, it's a fact, sorry to burst your bubble of the supposed man flu, imagine if men said that about women when their ill, woman flu.

Do the step children live with you full time? If their dad is incapable of looking after them, can they go back to mum?

No, not full time. I doubt many posters on the SP board would advocate their dad not seeing them just because he's ill.

I maninly get up and carry on from the sofa because people wouldn't get fed,we live out in the sticks so no deliveroo even if we needed it.

The dc still need uniform for school,and lunches and feeding,likewise the dogs still need feeding etc.

@LumiB it's not quite as simple as go to bed is it really

I don't doubt it. There are lots of variables. Men overwhelmingly make up the self employed stats so if they don't work they don't get paid which is a push factor to 'soldier on' when not feeling well (especially if you are single income household). Throw into the mix the societal pressures for blokes to 'man up' and not to be seen as soft it is hardly surprising men take less time off work for illness.

Factually, it's a very real problem that men don't seek help for their ailments nearly enough and nowhere near as much as women. DH goes to the GP about once a year. The last two years each time he's been told by the GP that he needs to take better care of himself when ill. The use of misandrist terms like 'man-flu' or 'man-up' added to passive aggressive martyrdom isn't healthy for the nation or our loved ones.

I mentioned previously that when I had a tight chest, I did not go to the doctor in case stress would exacerbate it and the stress associated with telling my then SO would have been counter productive (it was a muscle pull, so it was very much the right decision).
This is a real UK phenomenon.

Well no if your a single parent maybe not but this isn't the scenario the thread is about really

I get that he's been diagnosed with an actual thing and he's struggling, but fuck me, I've had infections or whatever that've made me feel shit, on antibiotics, and I've still had to do things round the house, because they NEED to be done.

Me and DP just had a really bad argument about the exact same thing. He has had a cold/cough that's lingered for 4 weeks (so have lots of people we know, including ME) and as a result of that he's done nothing. He wasn't at work anyway as they shut down over Christmas, but he's not washed a dish, made a sandwich, used the hoover, wiped the bathroom, nothing.

I told him enough was enough, and wallowing was making him worse. He was fuming like I was the most unreasonable person in the world - yet it's funny how he's capable of playing on the PC for hours, but not doing anything useful.

Some people are just pathetic wallowers.

If support is reciprocated when ill then its fine. My experience, like others on this thread, is that my 'DH', when DC were young, carried on as normal and expected me to sort childcare and just get on with it. Guess what - what's good for the goose - he got and still gets treated the same way.

I know this is 'DH' problem and the above is actually pretty sad however you don't know what a man is going to be like until after children. When they show you who they are then you can discuss/tell them but if they don't change/continue to centre themselves then assuming that they don't want to be cared for either is the logical thing. It's supposed to be a partnership.

I had a wife who was like that when she was well. WHen I posted on MN, I was told I was exploiting her

I think there comes a point when you can't just lie on the sofa and have to try and help out.
I had a debilitating illness a while ago and was in a lot of pain. My dh was great, but I still felt it was unfair to expect him to work ft and do everything at home, so I still tried to put a wash on and do little bits around the house. I know of people undergoing cancer treatment who are still working as much as they are able. Adults can't just opt out of adulting indefinitely.

OP, while it's important for the dc to see their dad, if he isn't capable of caring for them, he needs to negotiate with their other parent. It isn't fair for all the work to fall to you - they aren't your children. Helping him is one thing, but if he's making no attempt to do anything, it's okay to hand responsibility back to their parents.

Yes. There is really no incentive for most men to exaggerate illness at home.
There is such a thing of toxic masculinity, but I do not think it just affects men. I think people are genuinely unaware when they react like this and I think "manflu" is a rationalisation of that sometimes.

Mine appears to have a bad chest infection at the minute, tbh I haven't given him any sympathy since he started on about it on Monday because he's made such a fuss about colds for so many years. I think this time he may actually be properly ill though so I'm going to make him some nice soup for dinner.

The incentive to exaggerate illness at home is surely getting looked after and not having to do chores? Work are unlikely to be that sympathetic, so men are more inclined to not make a fuss there, but want this made up for at home.

Women prioritise family/home above work and are seen as the default parent . It's why mums are the go to parent when kids need collecting early from school, even when both parent have jobs. Women might call in sick more but I'd guess at home they are still doing the parenting and keeping on top of the basics.
These are generalisations and I do also know the odd incredibly lazy woman who will happily take herself off to bed and opt out of all responsibilities, but on the whole it's men (imo) who can happily relax in bed and not worry about the cat litter trays being clean or the kids needing their uniforms to be washed!

Things would need to be really, really bad before I'd stay in a Travelodge!

This is MN, where all men are the devil - you can't really expect a balanced view unfortunately.

My favourite is two threads about 2 weeks apart when a man and woman had done exactly the same thing - had an affair.
You should have seen the differences in responses; when the woman posted it was all 'do what you need to in order to be happy' and 'what harm does it do if he doesn't find out, enjoy it'.
The man who posted similar, despite actually appearing to be a lot more contrite and apologetic, was hung out to dry and call all sorts.

To the OP - if you think your husband is over-egging it you have a husband problem, not an 'all men' problem.
Like many others I've had that stinker of a cold that's been going around, and have just carried on as usual, as I always do unless absolutely floored.