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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Men and their fucking man flu

149 replies

Floofydawg · 11/01/2024 08:03

My DH has been ill for a couple of weeks. Has anti biotics for a chest infection. He's off work and trying to get better. I do sympathise. However, he is a fucking grumpy bastard and it appears I'm not allowed to a) disagree with him about anything or b) ask him to do anything around the house, however minor. I'm doing my best, honestly I am. But I'm working and running around like an idiot cooking meals for him and keeping the house running while he sits on the sofa under the duvet of doom. Is it just men who expect the world to stop when they're ill or am I being unsympathetic?

OP posts:
Floofydawg · 11/01/2024 14:20

RubberyChicken · 11/01/2024 14:15

Things would need to be really, really bad before I'd stay in a Travelodge!

God no I don't do Travel Lodges, I thought I said Premier Inn (which is the absolute bare minimum for hotel accommodation!)

OP posts:
Mrsjayy · 11/01/2024 14:26

Floofydawg · 11/01/2024 14:20

God no I don't do Travel Lodges, I thought I said Premier Inn (which is the absolute bare minimum for hotel accommodation!)

you did,but somebody else said travel lodge then I said travel lodge and it just caught on 😂

dothehokeycokey · 11/01/2024 14:35

@LumiB

I think one of us has mid interpreted each other

You tagged me with quite a sharp comment and I replied saying it's not actually that simple even if you aren't a single parent,by sounds of it you must have assumed that absolutely everyone's partner picks up the slack when they are I'll however if you read the original post it was written by the op who's got an I'll partner.

Think wires crossed.
We shall blame it on Thursday Grin

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 11/01/2024 14:44

So it sounds like he's had a viral illness (which makes you feel poorly)!and then it's turned bacterial (therefore he required antibiotics) he's only had 3 days of antibiotics. So he would have another 2-4 days left of antibiotics. It takes a few days for those to kick in aswell.
If it was the other way around in my relationship with my husband he would do all he could to help.

The examples given are... did they need done right away before you went to work??

Do you do the housework normally or do you share?

FWIW my husband has had a shitty year health wise (seizures, now diagnosed epilepsy, fractured and dislocated shoulder requiring surgery) so I do understand feeling a bit overwhelmed when you feel like you need to do everything etc but I had to take a step back and look at the bigger picture

LumiB · 11/01/2024 14:49

dothehokeycokey · 11/01/2024 14:35

@LumiB

I think one of us has mid interpreted each other

You tagged me with quite a sharp comment and I replied saying it's not actually that simple even if you aren't a single parent,by sounds of it you must have assumed that absolutely everyone's partner picks up the slack when they are I'll however if you read the original post it was written by the op who's got an I'll partner.

Think wires crossed.
We shall blame it on Thursday Grin

Fair enough I just assume partners do to be fair because if they aren't why be with them I wouldn't stand for it. But that is me and not everyone else

AgnesX · 11/01/2024 14:56

gannett · 11/01/2024 08:24

I don't understand the MN trope of moaning about ill husbands, dressing gowns of doom etc.

When I'm ill, DP looks after me, brings me medicine, makes me nourishing soup and generally lets me nestle in the sofa for hours on end sniffling and wearing, yes, my dressing gown. When he is ill I do the same for him!

One of the points of having a partner is for someone to be sympathetic and look after you when you're ill. Someone who realises that life can in fact be paused if we're burned out or run down. I think if DP was the sort of man to moan about chores at me when I was ill, I would have left him long ago.

I couldn't be doing with that. If you're that ill go to bed and stay there.

If you're well enough to be up then go and get showered and dressed, it'll help you feel better.

What the OP is irritated about is the wafting about inflicting misery on the rest of the household. DH/DP is getting sympathy but a fortnight in, this behaviour is wearing.

Btw, my mother was a nurse and patience was in short supply ( but then it was last centur).

dothehokeycokey · 11/01/2024 14:58

@LumiB

To be fair my dh is normally fine with house stuff etc etc and pulls his weight as I wouldn't put up with it in general day to day life but the last time I was I'll I was pissed off at his lack of thought and organisation which is something we've talked about recently because the majority of life admin and organisation has been falling to me as default and I'm not happy about it.

I have found when that shit is pulled a reminder works so going to be next time I'm I'll will be part of my plan Grin

DontGoBreakingMyHeart · 11/01/2024 15:10

Chest infections can turn into pneumonia incredibly easily.

It’s also worth remember that approximately 9000 people a year die from the flu, and not all of those have diagnosed underlying health conditions.

7 years ago I had the flu, everyone in my family had had it, it went on for weeks, so when I didn’t get better I just assumed that it would go away eventually.

Then one morning I woke up struggling to breathe. I thought about going to the doctor’s but I didn’t want to make a fuss, it was only the flu after all. Had a nap and a bath thinking I’d feel better. But I felt worse.

Was going to go up to a&e but didn’t feel strong enough, so my DP convinced me to ring an ambulance. I did, and felt like a complete fraud. After all we’re conditioned to not ring 999 and waste emergency services’ time.

I waited in the kitchen for the ambulance, and by the time it arrived I was collapsed on the kitchen floor.

They carted me off to hospital, by the time I arrived there I was fully unconscious. I was placed on life support, spent three days on a ventilator in ICU, was diagnosed with sepsis, pneumonia and endocarditis. And was also told I had an underlying (and previously undiagnosed) heart condition.

Since then I have had two cardiac arrests, a severe crash where my heart rate had to be defibrilated back to normal, heart surgery to repair a damaged valve and an ICD.

And I’ve been told I will need a transplant at some point.

And maybe if I’d paid attention to the way I felt before none of this would have happened.

It really doesn’t pay to be a martyr.

Aside from which, if you’re going to insist on going out and soldiering on, no-one else wants your germs.

LumiB · 11/01/2024 15:12

@dothehokeycokey yes you have to maintain your boundaries in place with people, OH, friends, family etc.

I just have a different mindset on things, if stuff like a clean house was so important to you but you're ill, then pay someone if you can afford it or do it yourself but don't then act like a martyr about it and expect other people to be the same.

I don't like washing much so o cut down on having to it I now have enough clothes, underwear, bedding and towels that mean only have to do it every two weeks. Plus being on my own it then means I have enough for a full load. Voila problem solved, ideal world I would earn enough to just pay someone else to collect my laundry and do it for me

dothehokeycokey · 11/01/2024 15:27

@LumiB

God I would love someone else to do the laundry but funds wouldn't allow sadly.

Also there's 4 adult sized people in this house so the volume of towels bedding and washing is big and if not kept on top of is horrendous.

I have implemented other things to make life easier on a daily level funnily enough recently

It's not about cleaning and being house proud it's the basics like if the dishwasher doesn't get put on then there's no clean pans ready for tea time.
I'm super organised as I've always worked full time even when my dc were younger so have had years of organising and prepping etc and like I said normally dh is great but it was this last time he wasn't and being that like you,I like boundaries and expectations like we all should it pissed me off.

Interestingly a few days after I'd started to feel better and dh had a sore throat and made noises about it I reminded him of how I'll I was and how he didn't pull his finger out like he should have and it gave him a reminder Grin

I also bought a robo hoover which is awesome,Grin

Floofydawg · 11/01/2024 16:02

Similarly with the washing, I have to keep up to it especially when SS is here and changes his entire outfit every single day. Drives me insane. The other week he had to go home in his PJs cos he'd changed clothes so many times and the washing fairy hadn't been which meant he had nothing left to wear.

OP posts:
Maray1967 · 11/01/2024 16:12

If I’ve been grafting all morning and want to have lunch in front of the TV, he can take his man flu off to bed!

Yes, I probably am …

Maray1967 · 11/01/2024 16:15

LumiB · 11/01/2024 12:33

You don't allow it - wow how controlling, isn't it his house and sofa too.

Just answered that! Yes his house too - but thinking about it, it’s actually my sofa!!

Seriously though, if you’re so ill you can’t help then you don’t get to hog the TV. You need to sleep in bed.

Waitingfor5pm · 11/01/2024 16:17

I'm male. If I'm too sick to do anything, I'm too sick to get out of bed. If I'm downstairs, I'm useful and I'm contributing. Usually the in bed part of not being well is 1-3 days depending on the severity. Usually I've lost my appetite so there's no feeding to be done either!

Bookist · 11/01/2024 16:53

istoodonlegoagain · 11/01/2024 12:07

Totally not the point of the thread and I'm glad to hear of a man pulling his weight, but "a nourishing soup" is being added to my MN handbook of ick phrases.

Quite. If my DH ever earnestly informed me he was going to make me a pot of 'nourishing soup' my vagina would slam shut forever 😆

bestofall · 11/01/2024 17:21

Wow! So many unkindly posts towards men who feel ill!
My husband had what I thought was man flu a few years ago.
After a few days I actually rang NHS helpline who sent a paramedic out.
It turns out my husband had meningitis and sepsis. We nearly lost him twice.

I have read some of these posts and could cry at how uncaring so many of you are.

My husband was in bed, he was downstairs, he was trying to work, he was everywhere in my way, but he just wasn't getting better.

LumiB · 11/01/2024 17:38

Thing is advice isn't stay in bed, its rest! As in don't do much stuff and rest as much as you can. You can rest anywhere, bed, chair, sofa whatever.

I'd never say to my partner if I ever have one that they can't be on the sofa or how long they can be on it for. If they aren't well and need to rest they can rest wherever they like.

BeansOnToast32 · 11/01/2024 18:39

To be fair I've been poorly since the week before Xmas so I know how he feels, I kept trying to carry on as normal walking the dog, doing chores, Xmas prep and cooking Xmas/Boxing Day dinner and after getting worse and worse I eventually went to the doctors after Xmas and my DP constantly nagging me to go.

The GP admitted me to the hospital where I was diagnosed with a chest infection and given antibiotics. I'm still poorly into week 3, still coughing, get out of breath easily, no appetite and I now have Pleurisy so my chest and back really hurts. It's probably my own fault because I think I'm feeling better so get on with whatever needs doing like taking the Xmas tree down 🙄 or doing the hoovering then regret it because it makes me worse but I find it impossible to sit and do nothing when I know things need doing.

Me and DP are opposites when we are poorly, I get irritated with him when he's unwell because he moans and basically does nothing bar sit and moan whereas I try to crack on as normal and he gets irritated at me for not resting. 😁

This really has done a number on me though, I never thought I would feel this rough 3wks later. I'm 34 and I've never had a chest infection before and I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

To the posters that mentioned taking flu tablets, they really don't work for this. When I first started feeling unwell I took 4 doses of Lemsip Max a day for over a week because I obviously didn't want to be unwell for Xmas I just gradually got worse and was still taking them the day I went to the doctors.

Sweden99 · 11/01/2024 18:50

Waitingfor5pm · 11/01/2024 16:17

I'm male. If I'm too sick to do anything, I'm too sick to get out of bed. If I'm downstairs, I'm useful and I'm contributing. Usually the in bed part of not being well is 1-3 days depending on the severity. Usually I've lost my appetite so there's no feeding to be done either!

Good for you!
My own limited experience says that depending on who your SO other is in your life, there is a big difference in how they would react. My wife is lovely, made sure I took it easy and even brought me porridge in bed. She did not consider that I was doing anything wrong.
My first experience of being ill in a relationship was in the UK, we both got flu and one of us had to get food etc, so I did it and she got to stay in bed. She told that as men being fine and her looking after me as I was a typical man.
I think men being sick is a very sensitive issue, my sister (ICU nurse) assures me that a large chunk of men are wimps about it. But my impression (and not an informed one) is that in the UK, there is a reticence to acknowledge that men actually get ill, a toxic masculinity across both sexes. It seemed to be to be a very UK thing.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 11/01/2024 20:05

Also all these people saying about if your that poorly to stay in bed.
Staying in bed isn't good for you, it's terrible for your lungs and circulation.
It's best to be up and about and also resting.

planetarynoodle · 11/01/2024 20:08

TheCadoganArms · 11/01/2024 13:23

I don't doubt it. There are lots of variables. Men overwhelmingly make up the self employed stats so if they don't work they don't get paid which is a push factor to 'soldier on' when not feeling well (especially if you are single income household). Throw into the mix the societal pressures for blokes to 'man up' and not to be seen as soft it is hardly surprising men take less time off work for illness.

True. There's also the mental health stigma that seems to affect men more

Waitingfor5pm · 11/01/2024 22:05

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 11/01/2024 20:05

Also all these people saying about if your that poorly to stay in bed.
Staying in bed isn't good for you, it's terrible for your lungs and circulation.
It's best to be up and about and also resting.

I was poorly a week ago. Trust me I felt so bad that I couldn't leave the bed for two days... It wasn't just about staying there to rest.

MoserRothOrangeandAlmond · 12/01/2024 09:54

@Waitingfor5pm its for people saying that if he was that poorly that he should be in bed. No....you can still feel poorly and get out of bed.
It's much better for your lungs and circulation if you can move around and sit up.
Because you're unwell you don't HAVE to stay in bed. You can still be poorly and get out of bed.
In hospital we encourage patients to get out of bed for a while and move around as it aids recovery.

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