Men and their fucking man flu

[Floofydawg]

My DH has been ill for a couple of weeks. Has anti biotics for a chest infection. He's off work and trying to get better. I do sympathise. However, he is a fucking grumpy bastard and it appears I'm not allowed to a) disagree with him about anything or b) ask him to do anything around the house, however minor. I'm doing my best, honestly I am. But I'm working and running around like an idiot cooking meals for him and keeping the house running while he sits on the sofa under the duvet of doom. Is it just men who expect the world to stop when they're ill or am I being unsympathetic?

I mean this really, misunderstanding what you meant about the antibiotics isn't a huge deal is it is it ?

I don't think accusing your partner of dragging out an illness is the sign of a healthy relationship really. Sometimes illnesses drag themselves out and at the very minimum I'd expect my partner to actually believe me.

Opening the curtains is a completely pointless thing to ask. It doesn't need doing. She's just asking her ill husband to get up and do something for the sake of it. It's annoying behaviour.

If I met a man who obviously faked illnesses I wouldn't have stayed in a relationship with him or got anywhere near marrying him.

I mean your ex sounds like a complete arsehole I bet his behaviour went further than always being ill. Don't tar other menwith his brush.

'Are people really so incapacitated by the usual winter bugs that they can do nothing other than lie on the sofa whining?

Surely you dose yourself up with paracetamol, cold & Flu medication etc and crack on with life?'

Someone clearly has never had pneumonia or a bad chest infection. I do get up with flu, do what I feel are essential household jobs, but pneumona/chest infection are on another level for me.

DG isn't perfect, but in all fairness as soon as I said I felt I had pneumonia again (which actually turned out to be a chest infection), he turned around and told me he'd take me to GP rather than go into work - he appreciated how ill I was feeling. If I'm totally incapacitated, only jobs that get done by DH are what's essential to him, meals, food shopping and ironing shirts for work - we just let the rest go.

You’re quite right, it did, but it’s not a unique story. There are absolute men who pull their weight no matter what is going on but no one can deny that there is a huge issue in general with men expecting to be ‘looked after’. This just becomes more prominent when there’s illness involved. It’s not just on MN, have seen and heard plenty from other women in the real world to see a pattern.

@SpeedyDrama of course, but imo in this situation the Op just sounds annoyed that her husband is being an inconvenience to her.

He is to a degree. Being ill is rubbish but expecting them not to move at all or lift a finger and excusing snapping after two weeks recovering is pandering. Chest infections can be nasty but sitting around in your own germs expecting not to do any basic thing until you feel 100% human again isn’t acceptable at this point.

Yes exactly this. You don’t have to look far on mumsnet to find what men like this do when their wife is ill- stay late at work mostly. I always remember the mum with a baby and what turned out to be a bad kidney infection. That dad was too precious and important to take time off work, he only turned up when she was hospitalised.

my own Dh was like this. We caught the same bug just as badly and he only moved from bed to the bath for 3 days. I did everything for the toddler and baby like usual. I can’t forget this tbh, and it was only after multiple conversations that I told him this was the end if he didn’t change. If he couldn’t look after me when sick the way he expected me to when he was, then I wanted out of this marriage asap. It still boggles my mind that he was surprised. He has changed, but there are some tough memories there for me to have.

Well that's the thing, I don't see it's a huge issue? It's not something I've actually encountered in my life and it's not something my friends moan about either.

Possibly it's seen as a trend on MN because this site is populated by people who think "opening curtains" is a chore that must be done at all costs and if their ill husband hasn't done it then he's a lazy bastard.

Wow a chest infection isn't like your standard cold or even flu. It can develop into something more serious if not treated properly. Lucky he got his antibiotics which will take a few days before he starts to feel a bit better. Don't really understand your rant to be honest and when you're ill you should be doing the same in terms of resting up and not martyring yourself.

I live on my own I rarely fall ill but caught that cold virus going round last week. Knocked me for a few days cos I forgot how utterly crap you can feel. I don't have the luxury of someone to look after me but I don't martyr myself. I would get up and shower and get dressed because I do usually feel a bit better after a shower and its a habit but yeh I pretty much parked myself on the couch all day under blankets because I didn't want to be lying in bed. No difference really. I only moved for bathroom or to get myself a hot drink and some food. No chores were done until I started to feel better.

Yeah I could of taken cold and flu tablets etc. but not everyone wants to be reaching for medicine all the time.

Oh and I didn't open my bedroom curtains even, just left them closed - why bother opening them to only close them later it really didn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Who cares!

I had similar when we both had covid with a toddler. The ultimatum was served and he's changed. But it took both of us being ill at the same time for him to see it. In sickness and in health and all that.

Yeah I could of taken cold and flu tablets etc. but not everyone wants to be reaching for medicine all the time. seriously, take it next time. If you rarely get ill it's not like you'll be having loads over the course of your life. Even standard paracetamol will help.

what does sitting about in your own germs mean ? I did say the op shouldn't be putting up with him being miserable to her but I don't see why opening curtains or putting a sorted out washing on is necessary important in an equal relationship. why can't the op put the washing on, why does an ill person have to do it ? the op as I said is just fed up he Is still ill.

"In sickness and health"

Caveat: As long as it doesn't last longer than two weeks...

"Sitting about in your own germs" is a very strange thing to criticise, yes. Your own germs move with you, even if you get up and move about. So you're still going for a walk in your own germs, or putting a wash on in your own germs. Sitting down and resting is the only one of those likely to have a positive effect on your illness.

Mind you OP just because he can't help out doesn't mean you have to take it on. Leave the curtains. Only do essential washing. If he's not going out and is just wearing the dressing gown of doom all day then there's less to do?

Yes I did think that was odd. It's not like moving around makes the germs fall off? Or does it?

Totally agree. My DH hates admitting being ill and cracks on whatever. To the point that I find myself nagging him to stop doing stuff and rest! I wouldn’t ask him to put a load of washing in if he was unwell that’s for sure.

I understand, buy my body, my choice. Its not impacting anyone, not like I have a DH or kids that I am then being grumpy too. Besides all it does it make you feel better so what you can get on and do stuff, but what stuff needs doing that is so important? Not cleaning my house for 2-3 days isn't that important. Well not so important I need to take medicine for it.

Maybe if I had kids or a partner I might take medicine to help me get through the day.

It isn't going to make me get better any quicker.

I'm guessing theres some huge backstory because it just sounds like you don't like him very much?

Fair enough.

Why is that this gets thrown in when someone posts out of frustration?

To clarify re the washing: I sorted it, and then I put it out to dry once it had been on. He literally had to take it downstairs, put it in the machine, and set it going. I only asked him to do this as I was showering ready for work.

He’s allowed to be ill. But I’d insist he was in bed rather than on the sofa, as that would drive me nuts.

you are frustrated that the house is running how you want it though you are frustrated because he isn't being ill your way.

I am ill atm you bet I'm lying on the sofa the living room and kitchen are nearer I want to sit in my own germs festering till I'm better.