AIBU to be upset she doesn’t remember my name?

[Govangirl]

It feels like such a silly thing to be upset about, but my DH’s nan has never remembered my name! DH and I have been married 2.5 years and together for just gone 7, so it’s not as though she doesn’t know who I am or has never met me - pre DD we would go to her house every other week for a Sunday roast.

Not sure what’s spurred this on, I’ve just been sterilising bottles in the kitchen and remembered to take the Xmas cards down and saw hers again - “to [DH’s name], wife, and [DD’s name]”. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’ve been around for nearly a decade and DD’s been here 5 minutes 😂

She’s 72, but in good general health and otherwise a seemingly good memory, it’s just my bloody name! On a few occasions she’s used the wrong name but one that’s similar ish to mine (Ella) e.g. Emma, Bella, Ellie etc. but has always been corrected so in my mind she SHOULD know what I’m called. It feels like I’m being disrespected somehow, she’s very kind and adores DD so I don’t want to kick off too much if at all but it’s been 7 years of being girlfriend, wife, other half, DH and family etc. In her ‘congrats on your wedding’ card she just wrote “to [DH’s name] and his new wife”, and in person she refers to me as DD’s mum, which I suppose is a step up! I did consider early on that she might have forgotten and been embarrassed to ask, but she has heard other people use my name, we sign my name in cards to her, and she knows who people are talking about when they use my name in reference.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m quite meek and a bit of a wimp when it comes to confrontation or correcting people, and I usually just smile and seeth gently in a corner until DH apologises and swears he’s told her a million times. He’s said how uncomfortable it makes him feel and how whenever he corrects her she just waves him off so I do know he’s tried but it all feels like it’s coming to a head all of a sudden (because I remembered her Christmas card pmsl)

Am I doomed to be “wife et al.” forever? I’ve half a mind to pretend I don’t know who Bella/Emma/Ellie is next time, but as we’re already LC with DH’s m&d I don’t want to rock the boat with his (in every other way lovely) nan. What do I doooo?

YANBU, I thought you were going to say she’s 90!

Then I thought she can’t help her memory but if she remembers her grandchildren’s name then she can bloody well remember yours!

Sounds like she’s being passive aggressive because she doesn’t acknowledge it when she’s being corrected.

I think you should just refuse to see her or send her any cards or presents. If DH wants to see her or take dd to see her, he can go alone.

Stop being a ‘wimp’ and know your worth!

Some people's names just slip out of my head repeatedly, no matter how hard I try to fix them in place.

It's never the person, it's always the name — something that has a lot of other names that sound similar to it or have a similar vibe to it, where I don't already know someone else with the same name, where there's nothing I can grab hold of.

YANBU to be upset, but assuming she's a nice person who gets on with you and isn't doing it on purpose, and doesn't have memory problems, it's almost certainly something about the name that makes it slippery for her, not something about you being unmemorable.

Correct her incorrectly every time:
No, my name is Janet
No Ella here, I'm Margaret, remember?
Who is Emma, she a friend of yours?

Ask her.
She obviously knows your name but refuses to use it.
I'd be too curious as to why to not ask.

I have a mental block on some names, but she's taking the piss! In all these years and having seen your name written on cards etc, she's doing it on purpose now. Fair enough in person, it might slip her mind if she's a bit forgetful, but nobody writes 'and wife' on cards! Even 'Dh name and family' would be better! It's intentional. Confront her, you deserve to be treated better than this.

I wonder if your name has some sort of association to someone else she knows and doesn’t like? I had a bully at school called Caroline and now whenever I meet someone called that I automatically hate them 😂 Maybe she’s trying to avoid invoking those types of displaced feelings? (Might be a long shot and she’s just plain mean instead)

Ooohhh, that's cheeky of her! She is definitely doing this deliberately. I'd call her out on it next time.

If she's refers to you as Emma/Bella/Ellie, I'd say, "Oh, no Nan! It's Ella. Because of your age, should we be concerned about your memory problems? This has happened a few times. We are starting to get worried."

And then make sure to look very, very innocently directly into her eyes.......

Call her Dave till she remembers her manners.

You say she’s very kind, is that to you or your family? Because refusing to use your name is the height of rudeness and far from kind. If she can remember your DDs name it seems to be a deliberate choice to upset or belittle you.

Lots of people are getting older, there's a whole range of stuff people have to remember in life, paying bills, getting shopping in etc. blah blah.

Don't take it personally. You'll be there one day.

Compassion is the key (and take a breather outside, pub, fag, whatever floats your boat).

This would really annoy me! I think you should buy or make yourself a large name badge, and wear it each time you visit her. Also send your Xmas card to her to ‘Nan’ from ‘your grandson, his wife and their child’.

Hmm, whilst I agree some names can randomly cause a memory block, when I find myself in this situation with regular clients in work or neighbours etc, once it becomes awkward for me I make a note on my phone. When it's been 7 years and you are married there is no excuse for a card like that. If she really couldn't remember when writing it she should have just gone and checked. It's really odd? My mum and MIL are the same age as her, they are fairly competent on Facebook, WhatsApp etc keep diaries/address books. One is quite forgetful and I can imagine her doing this for a few years but not 7 and making it obvious by writing it in a card.

Every time you see her, say "Hi, it's x"
Get DH to point out things you say like "oh x just said". Correct it every time. "Oh no, my name is x, that would be like me calling you similar but wrong name" DH could say things like "would you like x to pass you..." something she needs. Broken record.

I'd say she knows fine what your name is, she just doesn't like you.

She might not like you.
She might have a mental block on your name. (mine is neighbours name - is it Julie or Julia...and I end up calling her No.86 instead ).
She might have a bad reaction to your name due to some kind of childhood trauma.

If DH wont/can't ask her then perhaps his mum can ask her, in a conversational kind of way.

EDIT - oh nvm you are not in contact with mum. Perhaps it's something to do with his LC with his parents. Does she blame you for that?

Fuck that. No way does she not know what she is doing. I would bet good money that she is a flying monkey for dh's parents. While you stay meek and refuse to correct her she will continue to view you with contempt.

I mean, I see you said that she is otherwise lovely, but refusing to grant you your own identity after all this time is not lovely!

Does your dh not ask her? Ie "Nan you put wife instead of Ella on our Xmas card. Did you forget her name?'

Name blocks are normal but when writing cards if you're not sure you just check!

I struggle with names, strangely more adult names then kids, maybe it's because socialising with adults make me anxious and i dont feel so anxious around kids. I do write peoples names down but still struggle. If i have time I'll look them up and certainly do for anything written. Face to face i honestly avoid names a lot for fear of saying the wrong name or even just pronouncing it incorrectly and being embarrassed, especially with people I've known a long time. If Id accidentally got someone's name wrong I'd be way to anxious to ever say it again, though I would check it and write it correctly.

I'd find this irritating, but it isn't a battle I would pick. It's deliberate, she's got some beef with you and has decided to 'respect you as his wife and mother of my grandchild', quite literally.

If you were to take this up with her after seven long years, it'd be difficult to get to the root of it. If you ever succeeded, it would raise some very long-standing issue that obviously matters a lot to her. So what're you going to do about that? Tell her she's wrong and has been for seven years, invalidate her feelings, demand a forced apology?

Nah. This is a sleeping dog, better left in peace.

I think she is doing it deliberately. Your husband has told her plenty of times. Most people would be embarrassed if they’d got someone’s name wrong only a few times and that would normally fix the name in their mind.
Failing that they wouldn’t use the name at all or substitute “honey” etc. anything rather than make someone feel they are not worth their name being remembered.
Writing “wife” in cards is ridiculously rude.
Next time she does it fake laugh/snort and say, “And there it is.”
It’s unlikely she’ll be able to ignore that…. Just say, “that thing you do where mine is the only name you can’t remember.”
Don’t see how she could argue with that.

She's definitely doing it deliberately but at the same time I wouldn't raise it with her directly because it's not worth the drama. If she calls you the wrong name to your face, I'd correct her every single time. But I wouldn't play into her hands by engaging in her games, all she'll do is deny it and act like you're crazy or over sensitive.

If you really want it brought up, I'd get your husband to do it. I think it's the blood relatives job to handle pain in the arse relatives like this. It surely bothers him too that his nan can't respect his wife, so he should make it clear she's alienating him and DD not just you.

It says in the OP that he corrects her, and she waves him away.

I’d say she almost certainly blames you for the non contact with DH’s parents sadly

I take it you don't know many "older" people 😂 Someone of 72 is more than capable of remembering the names of lots of people, and certainly family members. When I first read the op I thought it was about someone in their 90s, which there might have been an excuse for. It is unacceptable in someone of 72 who has no issues.

It is deliberate, but goodness only knows what her game is.