AIBU to be upset she doesn’t remember my name?

[Govangirl]

It feels like such a silly thing to be upset about, but my DH’s nan has never remembered my name! DH and I have been married 2.5 years and together for just gone 7, so it’s not as though she doesn’t know who I am or has never met me - pre DD we would go to her house every other week for a Sunday roast.

Not sure what’s spurred this on, I’ve just been sterilising bottles in the kitchen and remembered to take the Xmas cards down and saw hers again - “to [DH’s name], wife, and [DD’s name]”. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’ve been around for nearly a decade and DD’s been here 5 minutes 😂

She’s 72, but in good general health and otherwise a seemingly good memory, it’s just my bloody name! On a few occasions she’s used the wrong name but one that’s similar ish to mine (Ella) e.g. Emma, Bella, Ellie etc. but has always been corrected so in my mind she SHOULD know what I’m called. It feels like I’m being disrespected somehow, she’s very kind and adores DD so I don’t want to kick off too much if at all but it’s been 7 years of being girlfriend, wife, other half, DH and family etc. In her ‘congrats on your wedding’ card she just wrote “to [DH’s name] and his new wife”, and in person she refers to me as DD’s mum, which I suppose is a step up! I did consider early on that she might have forgotten and been embarrassed to ask, but she has heard other people use my name, we sign my name in cards to her, and she knows who people are talking about when they use my name in reference.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m quite meek and a bit of a wimp when it comes to confrontation or correcting people, and I usually just smile and seeth gently in a corner until DH apologises and swears he’s told her a million times. He’s said how uncomfortable it makes him feel and how whenever he corrects her she just waves him off so I do know he’s tried but it all feels like it’s coming to a head all of a sudden (because I remembered her Christmas card pmsl)

Am I doomed to be “wife et al.” forever? I’ve half a mind to pretend I don’t know who Bella/Emma/Ellie is next time, but as we’re already LC with DH’s m&d I don’t want to rock the boat with his (in every other way lovely) nan. What do I doooo?

DH and I have been together for over a decade and my 90yo granny spells his name wrong on every birthday and Christmas card. It's a common name with two equally common spellings, e.g. Iain vs Ian, or Geoff vs Jeff. She uses the wrong one every single time and it has now gone from embarrassing to funny.

However, at least she knows his name and has a go! OP, based on your updates, your DH's nan sounds awful and it's likely that her "forgetting" your name is deliberate. I wouldn't bother saying anything about it because she'll just deny it and twist it into you bullying her somehow.

Permanent marker pen + one of these badges. Wear it every time you see her?

@Govangirl probably ignore it i.s the best thisng but in my head i would want to sign her birthday "Lots of love from Ella, husband and daughter xxxx"

It might not be that she's forgotten your name, more that that's her way of addressing you. My mums 'old fashioned' relatives always addressed Xmas cards etc to Mrs Dad's Name...even though my dad's been dead for years so not even Mr&Mrs. I was my exs 2nd wifecand his uncle kept referring to our joint child as Naughty's Baby.
How does she refer to other 'add ons'? Do any granddaughters partners experience similar.
Tbh I think you are as much the problem. It's not overtly rude so others probably aren't even aware but if you chose not to speak up you've essentially accepted it.
Next time she does this asked her why she does this and mention it upsets you. It doesn't have to lead to a fight. There's a chance she may not even be aware and you seem to have an otherwise good relationship so she would probably be concerned she's upset you. You need to be assertive.
I bet there are other areas of your life where you've held back to avoid conflict. Make this your new year's revolution.

Genius but one for all of you. When asked, DH can point out it was noticed she was so forgetful of names....

This woman was only 65 when OP and her husband got together. She wasn't ancient and there's no suggestion that she has memory problems.

Plus she has had 7 years to learn OP's name. She hasn't been too busy paying bills to remember OP's name for 7 years ffs.

Plus nobody puts "and wife" on a card. They definitely don't put "and his new wife" on a wedding card. If she genuinely couldn't remember her name she could have asked a family member.

It has to be deliberate.

She knows your name, she's being a twat.

I'd ignore her every time she refers to you by the incorrect name, give her a puzzled look and say "who is [incorrect name]?" and then I'd probably start calling her by a random name every time I spoke to her until she gets the message. Then fob it off by saying you thought you were playing a cute game, but if her memory incapacity is real, perhaps it's time for a doctor's appointment etc...but I freely admit, I can be petty AF (amplified by PMS today!).

Wouldn’t really bother me, tbh, but I don’t think I could resist having a bit of fun and calling her a different name…

Sounds like she does this as she knows she can get away with it. She must get a little thrill out of trying to make you feel less than everyone else. I would be tempted to use humour to make a joke of it in front of people and embarrass her. She may never do it agaon or if she does you can make it a running joke. She'll see you differently when you stick up for yourself in a confident and non-confrontational way. Needs to be causual and light-hearted in a busy moment. For example I've said things like "I'm forever destined to be known only as DC's mum now" or "in another dimension I'm called (Ellie)" or perhaps say to DH "I've been reduced to being referred to as your wife, I knew it was a mistake marrying you" and have a wee laugh. Or something like "it's Ella. I know, it's quite hard to get right as it has 4 letters and 2 are the same. A bit more practice and maybe one day it will stick" and then quickly move on to talking to someone else. That last one is maybe a bit much and not to be done in front of others but could be a last resort.

I realise people will find all of those suggestions perhaps a little passive aggressive but they will likely do the trick and only need to happen once (unless she persists of course). It's very difficult for people to assert that you are being rude when you use humour. An apology and stating that you were just joking would be hard to come back at.

Nah, she's not generally forgetful. She's repeatedly not using OP's name.

And address the card to “The Owner”

Tricky! I remember going to see my Nan when she was in a dementia home, I went with my dad and my two toddlers & in her muddled mind she knew the children were our family but thought I was my dad's new wife and wondered what he'd done with my mum and how long I'd been his partner? It wasn't for years and years like your issue (which may be more deliberate?) and dementia is different but it was a bit hurtful that she didn't know who I was!

I have always been awful with names. There is a woman at work called Jane and I always think she is Diana. It’s not my fault. She looks like a Diana 🤷🏼‍♀️

I wouldn't waste time with any nonsense about calling her the wrong name etc. why play silly games ?
since you are conflict averse, (and because it is his family) your Dh needs to have a word, and not allow her to wave him away. next time he does it, he needs to say 'look gran, what is the problem with calling Govangirl by her name ? I've noticed you always avoid using it. it is rude and upsetting, her name is Ella, please call her by her name, we don;t want to fall out over it, we love you and enjoy seeing you, but you need to top this and make sure you use her name when you speak to her and on cards etc. '

He needs to refuse to let her avoid this topic and force the issue, if she says she doesn't like you, then you can move on to resolve that issue, if she doesn't like your name because of it associations then she need to grow up and get past that, a name isn't a person ,it doesn't carry characteristics.

I'm useless with names. I forgot what my DIL's father was called when I was writing the tags on their Christmas gifts, but I sent a message to my son asking his name to make sure I got it right.

She could have easily done that with the Christmas card.

72 is not old. It is 100% deliberate.

Grow some confidence and raise the subject with her. “Oh Hilda, you didn’t write my name in the Xmas card? Did you forget my name is Ella?” You will be able to judge if it was done as a deliberate dig based on her reaction.

I don’t know if I’d bother facilitating contact between my DC and someone who finds me so insignificant they can’t be arsed to use my name. Kindly, I think you need to work on your self worth. You are a mother, a grown adult. Speak up, find your confidence.

My husbands best friend sent an invitation to his wedding to my husband and I and our girls ( 12 years together) to Husbands name, Julie, and both DDs names. My name is not Julie nor is it even close! Both husbands best friend and is go be wife has eaten in my house at least twice a month for the past 6 years have been to all parties life events and they don't know my name??? Husbands best friend knows me 12 years??? I'm not gonna lie I'm deeply offended!
So op no I do not think you are being unreasonable! My grandmother in law even knew my name even when she was 92 with dementia and she couldn't remember my name she remembered my cheesecake! I'm ok with that she remembered!

Wow, that's bad! Do they invite you around as often?

Yes we go round theirs too granted not quiet as often as we have more space for everyone.
They both have my phone no. What am i in their phone as??? And Facebook and Instagram??? They seemed genuinely in shock when I said it? I actually had to assure them that Julie was not my name!
I really want to not go.

I'd wear a name badge. When she asks why say you're both very concerned about her memory as she's not managed to get it right. Lots of concerned looks and talking loudly. Maybe that'll embarrass her into getting it right.

Do this or send the next card and give yourself a different name each time you send one. Play with her mind.😆

Is this the hill you want to die on?

Honestly I think if she is otherwise fine, then just dismiss it as the foibles of a batty old lady.

I don't think it's worth refusing to see her or whatever.

My husband is 72. He manages to recall the names of me, our children aged under 14 and all of his friends, colleagues and acquaintances, the Dcs teachers and the bartenders at our local.

She's doing it deliberately. Push back and call it out. Don't take this shit.

Hard to say, you say she seems lovely otherwise, so it would a real snake-in-the-grass bit of pass-agg to deliverately not use your name. Does she have several GD-in-laws and thus might get them mixed up a bit? But I'd be annoyed in your position too.

I'd take no notice, my nan's brother always called me Amy up until he died - my name starts with an H and isn't Amy 😂