AIBU to be upset she doesn’t remember my name?

[Govangirl]

It feels like such a silly thing to be upset about, but my DH’s nan has never remembered my name! DH and I have been married 2.5 years and together for just gone 7, so it’s not as though she doesn’t know who I am or has never met me - pre DD we would go to her house every other week for a Sunday roast.

Not sure what’s spurred this on, I’ve just been sterilising bottles in the kitchen and remembered to take the Xmas cards down and saw hers again - “to [DH’s name], wife, and [DD’s name]”. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’ve been around for nearly a decade and DD’s been here 5 minutes 😂

She’s 72, but in good general health and otherwise a seemingly good memory, it’s just my bloody name! On a few occasions she’s used the wrong name but one that’s similar ish to mine (Ella) e.g. Emma, Bella, Ellie etc. but has always been corrected so in my mind she SHOULD know what I’m called. It feels like I’m being disrespected somehow, she’s very kind and adores DD so I don’t want to kick off too much if at all but it’s been 7 years of being girlfriend, wife, other half, DH and family etc. In her ‘congrats on your wedding’ card she just wrote “to [DH’s name] and his new wife”, and in person she refers to me as DD’s mum, which I suppose is a step up! I did consider early on that she might have forgotten and been embarrassed to ask, but she has heard other people use my name, we sign my name in cards to her, and she knows who people are talking about when they use my name in reference.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m quite meek and a bit of a wimp when it comes to confrontation or correcting people, and I usually just smile and seeth gently in a corner until DH apologises and swears he’s told her a million times. He’s said how uncomfortable it makes him feel and how whenever he corrects her she just waves him off so I do know he’s tried but it all feels like it’s coming to a head all of a sudden (because I remembered her Christmas card pmsl)

Am I doomed to be “wife et al.” forever? I’ve half a mind to pretend I don’t know who Bella/Emma/Ellie is next time, but as we’re already LC with DH’s m&d I don’t want to rock the boat with his (in every other way lovely) nan. What do I doooo?

Forgetting it in person is one thing but consistently writing cards etc ‘and wife’ - no excuse and it sounds deliberate.

If she was nice in all other ways she could easily message your DH when writing out cards! Even my MIL hasn’t done that and in all other ways she is consistently rude, but that’s a whole other thread in itself! 😆

When you talk to her use your name as much as poss. My friend said 'Ella...' I thought 'Come on Ella...'

Maybe you could get her name wrong and see what she says.

I hope she starts being more thoughtful then. What she's doing is rude.

This made me smile as I have a colleague called Ella and for some reason I have a bit of a mental block on her name. I don't know if it's because it's quite a popular name at the moment so not just associated with that one person, but often I go to say her name and it just doesn't come into my head. If this is the case here, she could deal with it better - make a joke about her memory, apologise, etc.

But it's odd that she doesn't write it in cards. That's more like a deliberate choice - either she's just not bothered to learn your name, or maybe there's some reason - did she want your dh to marry someone else? Have you done/said something that might have inadvertently upset her? Ideally it's best just to be straight about it: "I've noticed you don't use my name, is there a reason for that?" or get your husband to ask her.

If it makes you feel any better, my DM has called my DH 'thingy' on most occasions. We've been married for 29 years.

Freud would have a lot to say there,,,

I'd be getting her name wrong as well. Next time you visit say "oh hi Doris how are you? Oh its Brenda? Whoops silly me!" And repeat! See if that helps her to remember your name!

What's lovely about her? She sounds awful.

And she does know your name. It's deliberate. She's a bully. I'd have nothing to do with her.

This

I wonder if your name us one she is confused with, such as she's never heard it before, or it's an unusual name but sounds like or is similar to a name she is used to. Also that she does not know how to spell it. Have a conversation with her saying you'd like to talk about your name, tell her, you are wondering if she knows what your name is, maybe tell her what your name is short for (if it is) the meaning of your name, which parent chose your name and why. Ask about her name. Be inquisitive, interested and kind. Then let her know how it makes you feel when she muddles your name and writes 'wife' on your cards. If this doesn't help her to remember and use your name then I honestly don't know what will. Perhaps the next stage would be for your husband to talk to her and say you are both unhappy about it and will see her less often as a result. Either way you cannot and should not let this continue.

YANBU but I feel like she’s doing it on purpose as I can’t work out why she’d keep doing it unless she enjoys the reaction/attention or just enjoys disrespecting you.

I know some people can genuinely have a mental block with some people’s names, but if there’s no dementia involved, there’s absolutely no excuse for writing a card without checking the name first.

Maybe it’s better to ignore it/get your DH to stop correcting her.

Or maybe join her at her own game and start getting her name wrong or only refer to her as DH’s Nan!

@Govangirl
Simple. From now on sign all cards
”Lots of love from Govangirl, Govangirl’s husband and Govangirl’s daughter”
Then when you visit, wear one of those “Hello, my name is..” stickers.
You’re welcome 😁

Refusing to see her IS passive aggressive. And think of the damage it would to the relationship with DH and DD.

My DH dad did this for ages! Eventually, (I'm also quite meek), I used to greet him with a jokey third person, as in "hi Bert, it's Wantthisfried. I've come to visit", and said goodbye "bye Bert, Wantsthisfriend is off now, see you soon" and "can you please pass Wantthisfriend the salt", etc. He got it after not too long a while.
Whilst technically passive aggressive too, it was done in a good humoured jokey way as I couldn't face a traditional heart to heart/confrontation, especially as it became monumentally awkward after 5 years in.

Why should it effect their relationship? DH can still go and see her. Why does he need OP as a facilitator?

My father in law always referred to me as her, she and your wife if speaking to my husband.
For over forty years!
That said, he also referred to my sister in law's husband as he, him and your husband.
I just shrugged my shoulders and let it go. He didn't have any loss of mental faculty, it was just the way he was.
I still loved him to bits though and I know the feeling was reciprocated.
Just let it go op.

Get a necklace with your name on it, show it to her in the box saying how lovely it is before putting it on. Failing that, just ignore her until she gets your name right; if it's not a genuine memory problem she may get tired of messing you about.

I'm mid fifties, and for years (since early 20's) whenever I worked in a pub or restaurant, I could never ever remember regular customers names, always their order but never ever their names.. I even found it hard to describe people when needed to police, sometimes i'd remember their clothing but faces and names nope. Am same with family birthdays including my own sons ( and I was there for that one!) My Grandma was the same, all my life she would call me by my mothers name, my mother by her sisters name and often mix us all up. And none of us hated each other or are passive aggressive, it's just the way our minds (don't) work! If she's lovely towards you in every other way then don't spoil that by dwelling on the name thing,

Goodness knows what is going on. Maybe Nan is making a nasty point of some kind, maybe she has a genuine problem with your name for some reason. Memory is a very odd thing as we get older, and remembering one person's name doesn't mean you can do it for someone else. Perhaps in her mind you are 'John's wife' and so that is what she calls you. If she's nice to you in other ways, maybe you could let it go, apart from saying 'It's Ella' if she gets it wrong or uses some clumsy way of referring to you. You could even give her a framed family photo with your all names written clearly on it, which she might refer to when writing her Christmas cards.

I dated a bloke for 2 and a half years. Prior to me, he dated a chick for 5 years, whom everyone thought he would marry, etc.

The whole duration of our relationship, his family always called me by the exes name (starting with the same letter, but not remotely similar sounding). Suffice to say, the relationship didn't last. I always thought it was the height of rudeness, not bothering to get my name right.