AIBU to be upset she doesn’t remember my name?

[Govangirl]

It feels like such a silly thing to be upset about, but my DH’s nan has never remembered my name! DH and I have been married 2.5 years and together for just gone 7, so it’s not as though she doesn’t know who I am or has never met me - pre DD we would go to her house every other week for a Sunday roast.

Not sure what’s spurred this on, I’ve just been sterilising bottles in the kitchen and remembered to take the Xmas cards down and saw hers again - “to [DH’s name], wife, and [DD’s name]”. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’ve been around for nearly a decade and DD’s been here 5 minutes 😂

She’s 72, but in good general health and otherwise a seemingly good memory, it’s just my bloody name! On a few occasions she’s used the wrong name but one that’s similar ish to mine (Ella) e.g. Emma, Bella, Ellie etc. but has always been corrected so in my mind she SHOULD know what I’m called. It feels like I’m being disrespected somehow, she’s very kind and adores DD so I don’t want to kick off too much if at all but it’s been 7 years of being girlfriend, wife, other half, DH and family etc. In her ‘congrats on your wedding’ card she just wrote “to [DH’s name] and his new wife”, and in person she refers to me as DD’s mum, which I suppose is a step up! I did consider early on that she might have forgotten and been embarrassed to ask, but she has heard other people use my name, we sign my name in cards to her, and she knows who people are talking about when they use my name in reference.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m quite meek and a bit of a wimp when it comes to confrontation or correcting people, and I usually just smile and seeth gently in a corner until DH apologises and swears he’s told her a million times. He’s said how uncomfortable it makes him feel and how whenever he corrects her she just waves him off so I do know he’s tried but it all feels like it’s coming to a head all of a sudden (because I remembered her Christmas card pmsl)

Am I doomed to be “wife et al.” forever? I’ve half a mind to pretend I don’t know who Bella/Emma/Ellie is next time, but as we’re already LC with DH’s m&d I don’t want to rock the boat with his (in every other way lovely) nan. What do I doooo?

Just ignore it, not a battle I'd be arsed fighting.

Agree with others she absolutely knows your name and is doing this deliberately for some reason.

I'm staggered anyone thinks she's having a mental block. She's only in her 70s, so hardly an age thing and this is not some random neighbour you hardly see or a client you meet only a handful of times a year.

I am another one wondering if there is some association with your name that makes her uncomfortable in some way. Can your husband not have a conversation with her about it (rather than just correcting her) and ask if she has a problem with the actual name. If that's the case maybe you could come up with a nickname that she would be happy to use?

but as we’re already LC with DH’s m&d

What’s the story there?

Yeah, what’s up with that?

Always boggled by how many people on here are low/no contact with family members. I don’t know a soul in this position in real life.

@Shinyandnew1 we’ve been LC with them for about 5 months, there were a range of issues that lead to the decision. She refused to stop smoking around DD, even when she was a tiny newborn, she was far too rough when handling her, she has had serious problems with alcoholism since DH was a baby and they’ve only gotten worse with time, and she’s said some truly awful things about DH/DD e.g. she can’t be yours she’s got curly hair (I have curly hair…..), DH doesn’t care about her anymore now he’s got a baby, I’ve taken DH away from her etc.

DH’s dad is aware of all of these issues and we previously thought him the voice of reason, but he refused to listen to our concerns and told us we were bullying her by not letting her hold DD while she was smoking, which was the final straw. DH’s nan has never been a fan of his mum from what I’ve been told, so there isn’t a whole lot of love lost there, but it’s certainly something that has changed the family dynamic!

The issue with my name however has been going on for years now, which is why I’m not 100% it’s to do with us being LC. Could be a factor though certainly!

@Sunflower8848 very possibly! When she met my mum who goes by a nickname, she said that was “terribly common” and to this day calls her her ‘proper name’ - she’s the only person in the world who does!

Id admit to vetoing several of DH’s baby names due to bad memories with girls at school as a teenager, so it’s possible she had an evil Ella in her life at some point. Will have a chat with DH to see if she’s ever mentioned that!

It sounds like you are totally justified in being LC with the inlaws btw. They sound awful!

Seventy-two isn't old - she's not 102. So unless she's got dementia or some other cognitive condition (and there are many) there's no excuse for her to keep forgetting/not bothering.
Does she always remember your child's name? Does she struggle to remember other things, even occasionally?
Assuming she's of otherwise sound mind then it's time to assert yourself. You can start off by correcting her each time, but don't be afraid to say "Brenda. My name isn't Doris or Deirdre or Doreen. It's Diane. Please could you call me that from now on? My name is important to me and I've reminded you what it is every time you make an error. You can remember DD's name and DH's name so please could you remember mine".
At this point - assuming there's nothing 'wrong' with her, it's just rude for her keep getting it wrong or not even bothering to try.

I'd literally call her Nigel, bob, Pedro etc till she gets the message in a humorous way. I'd be surprised if she isn't using your name accurately by the third visit. Some people's names are slippery to remember and in all honesty she probably is more interested in your child/ her grandson. But give her a reason to remember and she rapidly will 🤷🤣

It is possible to get a name block with a specific person - if it’s never happened to you, you don’t know how weird it is. Particularly if you don’t have a problem remembering anyone else’s names.

I had it with a neighbour for some reason at one point I mixed up her name with a different one and from that point on couldn’t remember which was the right one - it used to baffle my flat mate because we’d be talking about the neighbour I'd do this massive pause while I was trying to remember which name it was - even if she’d just said the right name minutes before.

It was a bizarre feeling and it’s never happened with anyone else before or since.

However if it was someone I was exchanging regular written correspondence with I’d have it written down and double check before writing cards etc.

My grandma used to struggle remembering names and so she’s ask the partner or someone else to confirm it and she would write it.
She may not have always remembered but she’d always make the effort to say the name and always write it correctly in the card etc.

The fact that she’s seemingly not making any effort to even try and remember your name would hurt me.

10 years in and my MIL gets my name wrong constantly, thought it was me but I have heard her getting her best friends name wrong all the time our names are similar and she calls both of us the same name but totally different e.g. if i was ella and her friend was ellie she would call us both Amanda. Its a weird mental block, not meant to hurt and just happens. I dont have the energy to get worked up about it to be fair i correct her when she says it and she gets embarrassed. No one knows why she cant grasp it and we have a great relationship she is now 75 but has been mucking up names for at least as long as my OH can remember

Always bring your name into any early conversation
" So I said to myself, Come on Sarah, get to the gym to motivate me lol hahahaha" or other way to work it into your chat with her.
Her inability may not be to remember your name but to hear it correctly. Be kind, she's old.

My husband's aunt the first time we went to visit together wrote my name down and looked at it every time she spoke to me bless her and she was 82. So personally I think this is just rude so stop bothering as she clearly doesn't.

She sounds great and that's exactly the right approach if you struggle with names or have a block on a particular name. It's important to say people's names.

I’m not quite 70, and for the last ten years have had terrible problems recalling names. I don’t know why, my memory for other things is still excellent. It’s absolutely mortifying. I’ve now learned, despite the embarrassment, that it’s best to be honest with people about it; if I need to write a name, I call someone who knows them and ask what it is. Also, I keep an address book with families names written down.

Why not just ask the woman politely if she struggles to remember your name, and there’s anything you can do to help her remember it?

Wear personalised clothing. Or a badge! 😄

As someone who is not good with names i'd say just forgive and forget you know she's not doing it out of badness, i'd say she just has a blind spot for your name. Maybe as she's been corrected she is now afraid of using it, as she will say the wrong thing hence using wife on card- thats what would happen with me, less she uses it less she will recall it.

I met a girl once called Sinead, i recalled it was an irish name when i met her again only a short few days later, but called her something else and to this day i now always have to think is she Sinead or other name, its like i implanted the wrong name.

It drives them mad at work, I can recall tiny details from work we did over ten years ago, will easily recall a conversation from years back, they literally will walk into my office to ask about a company or client , but don't ask me to tell you the name of the new girl who started in accounts 6 months ago it begins with an A ... ora client's first name for an email who i worked with for 5/6 years.

Not a hill worth dying on. I would put it down to old age and move on .

She's doing it on purpose. No doubt. If she has learnt your children's names and remembers your mum's 'proper' name and has no other concerns with her memory there is no plausible reason why in 7 years she hasn't managed to remember your name. She knows what it is but for whatever reason is choosing not to use it. I don't like confrontation either but in this situation I would have to say something, or make husband say something. I don't think it's a silly thing to get upset over, it's just plain rude and disrespectful and your name is your identity so it's important. I think you need to take some action about this because she's not suddenly going to start using your name correctly.

Start getting her name wrong. That might sort it out. Refer to her as Nan or something that sounds vaguely like her name but clearly isn't. I had a neighbour (also was my landlord) who always pretended she had no idea who my mum was and acted each time like she'd never met her before despite seeing her regularly. Funnily enough she knew exactly who my partner's mother was, despite only meeting her twice as she lived abroad and rarely visited. It was very deliberate. She was trying to put my mum down, diminish her and just being a general bitch. It's quite a covert put down to be fair but it's definitely making a point.

This is dreadful. She has literally reduced you to an object; a wife to someone she loves and a mother to someone she loves. That is your only role. Incubator and partner. I'd stop sending cards or.gifts to her, let your husband deal with her.

What do you do? You smile, ignore it, and stop being so childish. In the grand scheme of things this is nothing.

Old age? She's 72 and has known the OP for 7 years!