AIBU to be upset she doesn’t remember my name?

[Govangirl]

It feels like such a silly thing to be upset about, but my DH’s nan has never remembered my name! DH and I have been married 2.5 years and together for just gone 7, so it’s not as though she doesn’t know who I am or has never met me - pre DD we would go to her house every other week for a Sunday roast.

Not sure what’s spurred this on, I’ve just been sterilising bottles in the kitchen and remembered to take the Xmas cards down and saw hers again - “to [DH’s name], wife, and [DD’s name]”. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’ve been around for nearly a decade and DD’s been here 5 minutes 😂

She’s 72, but in good general health and otherwise a seemingly good memory, it’s just my bloody name! On a few occasions she’s used the wrong name but one that’s similar ish to mine (Ella) e.g. Emma, Bella, Ellie etc. but has always been corrected so in my mind she SHOULD know what I’m called. It feels like I’m being disrespected somehow, she’s very kind and adores DD so I don’t want to kick off too much if at all but it’s been 7 years of being girlfriend, wife, other half, DH and family etc. In her ‘congrats on your wedding’ card she just wrote “to [DH’s name] and his new wife”, and in person she refers to me as DD’s mum, which I suppose is a step up! I did consider early on that she might have forgotten and been embarrassed to ask, but she has heard other people use my name, we sign my name in cards to her, and she knows who people are talking about when they use my name in reference.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m quite meek and a bit of a wimp when it comes to confrontation or correcting people, and I usually just smile and seeth gently in a corner until DH apologises and swears he’s told her a million times. He’s said how uncomfortable it makes him feel and how whenever he corrects her she just waves him off so I do know he’s tried but it all feels like it’s coming to a head all of a sudden (because I remembered her Christmas card pmsl)

Am I doomed to be “wife et al.” forever? I’ve half a mind to pretend I don’t know who Bella/Emma/Ellie is next time, but as we’re already LC with DH’s m&d I don’t want to rock the boat with his (in every other way lovely) nan. What do I doooo?

For all those making excuses this is nonsense, there's clearly nothing wrong with her memory.y SIL is just like this, she doesn't like you and this is her way of showing it. She knows perfectly well what your name is. I'd go NC, let your DH deal with her 🤷‍♀️

I think that she genuinely got your name wrong a couple of times and was (rightly/ corrected. But she has lost confidence with your name, sits looking at the blank card thinking "Ooh I got it wrong last time, I can't do that again, now what is it? Bella? Or Ella? No, I'm sure that was wrong. Perhaps Emma? I don't know, perhaps wife will avoid embarrassment"
She should of course ask, but I'm not sure it is a malicious mistake.

Don't stress it, my grandma, would literally go through everybody's names, including the pets, before she got to my name. She did it with my sister and even our mum. I don't know why, she couldn't remember her eldest child's name, or her 1st and 2nd grand kids. But we learnt to just live with it.
It's akward her not knowing your name, but just keep writing your name in the cards, she might catch on, she might not. Who knows.
I did refer to a lot of mums at the sch gates as x's mum. But this was because I didn't know the parents name.

Next time you send her a card address it as
"To Nan, from Elle and Husband"
Easters not that far off if a birthday is a while 😂

I would try not to over think it, I have been married 21 yrs with DH for 25 and his nan still can’t get it right it’s also been spelt in many different ways never how it’s actually spelt not even a unusual spelling ect 😂 it’s now become a fun point of how weird will it be this time 🥴🥴

Someone used to do this to me regulatly at work when I was new, even though I wore an ID badge with my name on it (albeit hooked on my skirt pocket, however still visible). Funnily enough, she started remembering my name when I began addressing her by the wrong name.

write all cards to her as "DH's gran"... only ever refer to her as that.... alternatively just ask her what the problem is

It is deliberate.

I'm not great with names either, but because I know this, I make a note, write it down and I don't forget it.

Oh so this! 😂

I know a gran whp called her 1st dgd by a variation of her actual name.
Corrected numerous times, had 5 kids, 12 grand kids and got everyone's name right.
Lovely person who spoilt the gk' s etc so cpuld only imagine her brain just didn't compute this particular name.

I’d ask her why she has such trouble with your name.
And then start wearing a name badge when you see her.

Nah come on, she's taking the piss. Surely she can write your name in her address book so she remembers.

I'm genuinely amazed at how many people think this isn't a big deal or something worth being annoyed over. Getting a colleague or neighbours name wrong after being reminded several times is shitty behaviour this is next level ridiculous and anyone who thinks it's not deliberate or intentional and because she's 'old' is just being delusional.

Writing ‘wife’ in card is so rude it’s likely deliberate. I wonder if you being LC with DHs parents has something to do with it? Maybe she blames this breakdown in family relationships on you? She may be projecting all kinds of negative stuff on to you that you’re not even aware of. I would say every time you go round there ‘hi it’s Ella’. And your husband can do it too. Treat her like she’s a bit slow and hard of hearing (even though I’m sure she’s not) and she’ll soon tire of her game as she won’t want to collude in her own apparent infirmity.

Buy a cheap T-shirt and get ‘MY NAME IS ELLA’ (or whatever your name is) printed in big writing across your chest and walk in with a smile on your face and ask her if she thinks this will help her to remember your name!

So if you’re at her house and she offers you a cup of a tea she calls you ‘Sarah’s mum’ or whatever your daughter is called? And you don’t just say something? I’m not very confrontational but even I would just say ‘You can call me Ella you know, we’ve known each other a while’ and then just correct her everytime. It’s the height of rudeness

A guy at work - let's call him Warren - used to get my name slightly wrong.

Think Louise instead of Louisa. He got really narked when I said "It's not Louise, it's Louisa. But Lou is fine," and persistently called me Lou-EEEZE, making it very obvious he thought I was the one with the problem.

So I called him Wayne. He hated it even more when the newbies called him Wayne too. One even wrote it in his leaving card! Knob.

OP why don't you buy one of those massive 'It's my birthday!' type badges, cover it with plain paper and write your name on it in thick marker pen then wear it every time you visit her? 😁

Correct her and when she gets it wrong again suggest a visit to her GP for her "memory issues"!

It’s interesting reading all the speculation about why this behaviour is happening. However nobody (including the OP) knows why & sometimes it’s much less stressful to accept that one may never know & just get on with life. I’d also add there’s a handy phrase I use when someone does something that peeves me - ‘Let them’. I find this very freeing. It’s a waste of time trying to change or control others’ behaviour because it rarely works. OP - your sitch is unpleasant I agree and I’m sorry for you. But accept that the granny does what she does cos she is who she is & move on with the rest of ur life. x

Don’t worry.
My father in law doesn’t say my name correctly which is really easy (or doesn’t want to) and I have been with my husband for 13 years 😅

You know the answer; next birthday care , Easter card Christmas card which ever comes first sign it with love from DHs name then put The woman is married too mother of * then sign from Dd xxx
i bet my last pound she will never forget your name ever again.
she’s doing it because your with her precious grandson dehumanising you makes her feel in control xx good luck she slimes delightful 😂😂🤦‍♀️

My ex’s gran used to call me by his late wife’s name. I always thought it was deliberate. It used to upset me terribly.

Ok let’s get down to it.?you would like her to respect you and like you. That’s what most of us want. She is possibly showing signs of neither. So think if a way to make her like or respect you more. I don’t think telling her off, making snippy remarks or fun if her is going to do that do you? Which is why you haven’t done it.
you self identify as a wimp and non confrontational and yet have seen off your husbands mother. You showed her no respect as a grandmother at all. Because she smokes. I don’t smoke but I can sssure you that a generation ago everyone did, all through pregnancy though I find it difficult to imagine anyone picking up a baby whilst smoking! How many hands does she have. Anyway point is you let your well backed prejudice step in the way of immensely important relationship. So yes you possibly are seen as difficult. A bit of formal blanking is going on because your husbands gran thinks her relationship with her grandson and his children is more important than her prejudice against you. Different generations. It’s you that have shown no respect.

I love this idea!!