AIBU to be upset she doesn’t remember my name?

[Govangirl]

It feels like such a silly thing to be upset about, but my DH’s nan has never remembered my name! DH and I have been married 2.5 years and together for just gone 7, so it’s not as though she doesn’t know who I am or has never met me - pre DD we would go to her house every other week for a Sunday roast.

Not sure what’s spurred this on, I’ve just been sterilising bottles in the kitchen and remembered to take the Xmas cards down and saw hers again - “to [DH’s name], wife, and [DD’s name]”. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I’ve been around for nearly a decade and DD’s been here 5 minutes 😂

She’s 72, but in good general health and otherwise a seemingly good memory, it’s just my bloody name! On a few occasions she’s used the wrong name but one that’s similar ish to mine (Ella) e.g. Emma, Bella, Ellie etc. but has always been corrected so in my mind she SHOULD know what I’m called. It feels like I’m being disrespected somehow, she’s very kind and adores DD so I don’t want to kick off too much if at all but it’s been 7 years of being girlfriend, wife, other half, DH and family etc. In her ‘congrats on your wedding’ card she just wrote “to [DH’s name] and his new wife”, and in person she refers to me as DD’s mum, which I suppose is a step up! I did consider early on that she might have forgotten and been embarrassed to ask, but she has heard other people use my name, we sign my name in cards to her, and she knows who people are talking about when they use my name in reference.

In case you couldn’t tell, I’m quite meek and a bit of a wimp when it comes to confrontation or correcting people, and I usually just smile and seeth gently in a corner until DH apologises and swears he’s told her a million times. He’s said how uncomfortable it makes him feel and how whenever he corrects her she just waves him off so I do know he’s tried but it all feels like it’s coming to a head all of a sudden (because I remembered her Christmas card pmsl)

Am I doomed to be “wife et al.” forever? I’ve half a mind to pretend I don’t know who Bella/Emma/Ellie is next time, but as we’re already LC with DH’s m&d I don’t want to rock the boat with his (in every other way lovely) nan. What do I doooo?

My daughter’s name is Tamsin and she’s 8 now. My dad and sister both don’t know how to spell it, she got one Christmas card “To Tamzin” and one “To Tasmin” she’s a really shy girl and would never offend but she did say after they’d left that it bothers her. I, not shy, called them both out on it, took the Mickey for a few minutes and made several jokes about it. I think they’ve finally got the message!!

Hang in there, I don’t think there’s malicious intent but I feel your frustration. I think your DH needs to step in and have a word!

I call my daughter my son's name and I'm 44, my mum calls me my daughters name or her sister's, she's 68.

I have been with my DH for over 16 years, married for almost 8 years with a 7 YO DD. My MIL still calls me by my DH's Ex-Wife's name EVERY time I see her.
It used to bother me a lot but now I just smile politely as she makes a show of apologising, sniggering and eventually correcting herself. 🙄
BTW this is definitely intentional towards me as she wishes DH and his Ex never separated and still has a very good relationship with her. Also dislikes me and the fact that I am 15 years my DH's junior.
Find a way of coping with it is my suggestion, making a big thing of it will only end up with you looking like the unreasonable one, even though you're not!

Someone of 72 is more than capable of remembering the names of lots of people, and certainly family members You've clearly not met DH.

My little brothers dads family spent about 15 years calling me ‘Laurel’ but I think that was just pure ignorance.. I’d make a point of saying ‘me??? LAUREN’ hahaha I’d make a point of making little jibes but it never changed

No she sounds like a genuinely horrible person and based on your context, doesn't like you and has made it known- the fact she question whether your DD was his child is enough.

I would rudely correct her next time, and/or refuse to sign my name on future cards

The Nan of DH gets her name wrong. She is apparently otherwise “lovely”.

The Mother of DH wanted to smoke on baby and cast aspersions on the child’s parentage. 👍🏻

Not sure if she's doing it purposely but my 78 year old mum does this to her grandsons girlfriend. They've been together ten years, are now engaged and for the life of her she can never get her name correct. Thankfully the girl in question takes it in good faith. Think Hayley instead of Ayley. A very simple mistake but one she makes nearly 100% of the time.

OP sometimes people can't help it, the association doesn't stick. It's annoying at best OP. If it really bothers you I suggest you get a hobby, I doubt she is disrespecting you and if she's doing it on purpose then she needs to get a life.

My 70 year old neighbour called me the wrong name for years despite seeing me daily and me doing lots of of jobs for her and she was corrected by me many times.
I found it endearing and even though she is gone it still makes me smile when I hear it.

I'm sorry but nobody would write wife in a Christmas card. If she does genuinely keep forgetting it she would ask your MIL or another family member what it was to write the card surely. She must be doing it deliberately

What is wrong with some of you?? The woman is 72 - I have several friends of that age and older, and if any of them was on the receiving end of "I would put it down to old age" they would be none too impressed. I appreciate that as we age sometimes it's harder to remember names, but this is a family member for crying out loud. There are many people in their 70s still working - it might have been considered "old" once, but not now.

No way is she doing it on purpose, its just a name she always remembers wrong.

I hate to say this, but shouldn't DH be sticking up for you, and not just leaving it to you? If I were him, I'd simply be inclined to 'forget' to visit her until she acknowledges you.

I voted that you are BU as there is no way I would have let this go on for this long. I would simply say 'Nan, why is it that you never use my name or when you do, you get it wrong?' If she tries to wave you away, just say 'Seriously Nan, I really feel I want to know, as you always remember DD's name and she's only been here a short while, while I've been around for years, and yet you never call my by my proper name, and in all honesty I find it a bit offensive'. If she doesn't start using your name after that, then it's clear that she is intentionally being offensive, and then it's your choice as to what to do.

As an octogenarian I think your not meek and mild at all.

My daughter in law I've known over 40 yrs, we never had a cross word but the times I get her name wrong .I'll often go through a few names before I get the right one. Mostly they will be the names of friends I have just recently spoken to..Janet. june..ohh heck then say the correct name..we laugh and forget it while we carry on with the conversation .

Exactly. And this woman has been doing it for SEVEN years, so she was 65 when she started.

There seems to be a lot of missing the point that she isn't just getting OP's name a bit wrong, like June instead of Jane. She is so unbothered about calling her by her name or any, she wrote "and new wife" on their wedding card. When she was 65. And did not have early onset Alzheimers or anything like that. There is no way in heaven and earth that that wasn't a deliberate snub.

Hmm. I’d wonder if it was deliberate. I’d guess that she’s not a big fan…

Ooh am getting all kinds of passive aggressive revenge fantasies on your behalf.

This is so downright rude. There's no excuse at 72, unless she is genuinely a lifelong dimwit. The fact that she knows dds name is a giveaway. It's dismissive of you.

Why not reciprocate by using dfil name and refer to her as "wife". Or just not bothering.

Please don’t take offense by this. , I have a great memory (people comment on it) but honestly can’t remember the names of my best friends child. He’s 10. I don’t know why and wish I could. I also struggle with my friends dog name. I don’t think it’s personal to you.

I would not get upset about it. But it might be a good play to call her by a different name every time you speak with her (or if you write, then put in "Dear Whatever-your-name-is"). Also, enlist your husband's support and perhaps he can suddenly forget her name as well - all in a good-natured way. If she gets upset, just minimize it as if it's really nothing - but keep doing it until she remembers your name. The important part is do this while maintaining a happy, good-natured attitude. Because, really, it's pretty funny.

Start referring to her as 'Grandad's wife', 'Grandads ex-wife' or 'Grandads widow' depending on which suits her status the best. She will quickly learn to use your name.

Time to grow a back bone and ask why she never uses your name. Alternatively ask your husband to ask why she never uses it. The other option is spend the next decade or so as wife of dad's mum.

It wouldn't annoy me, it's just a name.

Don’t worry about it. Life is too short. My grandma always sent cards to my dad by his first name and my mum as wife, she knew my mum from their courting days she died at 92 and always sent cards that way to them. But she always referred to by name when they were talking. I never heard my mum complain about it.