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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL injured my dd and would not take her to hospital

364 replies

Almondmist · 10/01/2024 22:44

This is eating me up inside as I can't talk about this with anyone else, please help me decide what to do. Last year I went to visit my in-laws with my dds, my dh didn't go due to work commitments. My in-laws are nice people but also small minded. They live abroad in a small town and I can have a basic conversation with them in thier language. One night Dd2 slept with me and dd1 (4) slept with my mil. I have always used a bed guard with my dds abroad and my in-laws know this very well. It's a stone floor. In the middle of the night, dd1 woke up and came to me because she had a bad dream. I comforted her and my mil took her back to bed. 1 hour later I heard a thud and dd1 screaming. I ran into the room to see dd1 on the floor, her chin split open dripping blood. She had not been put on the side of the bed where the bed guard was in place, but on the other side where my mil should have been sleeping. The cut was an inch wide. I panicked and told my fil to take us to the hospital while my ignorant mil got a wet tissue to dab at the wound. My fil didn't take us to the hospital but a tiny medical centre, which was a tiny room with a guy claiming he was a nurse. He put a plaster on and that's all. I only have a beginner level knowledge of the local language and I said she needs stitches but the guy said no need it's enough. My dd bled for around four days, I begged my in-laws to take her to a hospital but they would look a me with a blank stare like they didn't understand me. I called my dh on the phone to translate to them but my fil refused and took her again to the same medical centre who only changed the plaster. I said to please call a taxi and I would pay for it but they said there are no taxis in the area. There is a hospital 20 mins drive away. I felt so lost and helpless. I cried so much. Its healed but there is a noticible scar left which, given the size, will remain. I was never given an apology for what happened and was told 'its just thier mentality'.
This time when I visited my in-laws with my dh, my mil notice the scar and said my dd should have got stitches. I saw red in that moment and screamed why she didn't do anything at the time and take dd to the hospital like I had begged.
I know what happened wasn't intentional but it was neglect and I am expected to carry on like nothing happened. But I can't let it go, I never want to see my in-laws again or leave take my dds there to meet them, I never enjoyed going I only did it for my dh. Soon the yearly subject will come up of booking the plane tickets and i want to tell dh no this time. I get so much anxiety and stressed out at the thought of going back there. I'm civil with my inlaws but i hate them since that incident. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
Gingernaut · 10/01/2024 22:50

What was stopping you from getting your injured DD to a hospital?

With that in mind, if something like that happened again, how would you cope if you had to rely on the ILs?

If the place is so backwards, that there is inadequate healthcare, I wouldn't go again

YouAttentionSeekingTrippleARatedFuckwit · 10/01/2024 22:54

Things can still scar if sutured, so it may still have scared anyway.
However, I absolutely couldn’t forgive that. It must have been awful seeing her injured and feeling so helpless.
I would feel the same as you and not want to go again.

Greydogs123 · 10/01/2024 22:54

It literally explains in the op why she couldn’t get her dd to hospital!
OP in your shoes I would not visit, leave it all up to your Dh to organise. You probably can’t stop him taking your dd if he wants to, but you can make it clear that he must be very vigilant with her care and not leave alone with in laws.

Inyourwildestdreams · 10/01/2024 22:55

I’m a bit confused by this OP. If you thought your DD needed the hospital so badly, why would you not have got her there yourself? 😬 it sounds like you didn’t because you don’t speak the language and couldn’t book a taxi?

Surely you would just Google taxi companies yourself and use google translate if necessary? 🤔

Govangirl · 10/01/2024 22:56

Oh OP, I’ve got nightmare in laws too so you have my utmost sympathies!

When my MIL crossed the line (smacked newborn DD on her back and dropped cigarette ash on her changing mat) I was so hormonal and tired that it took me until the next day to fully compute what had happened even though I’d been right there. We ultimately went LC (see them for a few hours at Christmas and on birthdays but no other contact) and honestly it’s been such a relief. I’d advise proposing this to DH, though I appreciate firsthand it can be such a tricky situation.

It sounds like your DD1 really went through the wringer, and I can’t imagine the fear when you saw the blood, bless you both. Whether it’s generational differences, cultural differences, or whether they’re just not nice people, I wouldn’t be risking my DDs around them again. Could they come to you for visits instead? That way if, god forbid, anything were to happen you would know your way through the healthcare system here.

You do not deserve the stress and heartbreak this has caused you, so don’t be afraid to say no. DH loves your DDs and you, and he needs to respect your decision. The scar on your little DD1s chin is a reminder of how hard you fought for her, you can point that out to him. Xxx

Notsuredontknow · 10/01/2024 22:56

That’s terrible Op, I would feel the same as you and would not be going back any time soon

BeardieWeirdie · 10/01/2024 22:56

YANBU but you should have made your own way to hospital - you could have asked a local shop to call you a cab if you needed help with the language and your in laws are arseholes.

TheSlantedOwl · 10/01/2024 22:57

No. Fuck that. They don’t get to have a relationship with your DC if they are that deranged and irresponsible.

Teder · 10/01/2024 22:59

YANBU to not want to go there. They could possibly come to you instead.

would you feel more comfortable if your husband was there? Why was he not there last time?

I understand your discomfort. I do wonder why you didn’t try to google translate and get medical help in the follow up days when she was bleeding. Appreciate you’re upset about it and maybe it was really emotionally affecting you.

bevelino · 10/01/2024 22:59

People all over the world manage to get their children to hospital in an emergency. It doesn’t matter if you don’t speak the language, you find a way.

Falkenburg · 10/01/2024 22:59

At some point you could have taken your child to the hospital in a taxi.

StopTheBusINeedAWeeWeeAWeeWeeBagOChips · 10/01/2024 22:59

I think you need to take some responsibility too.

You could have got her to a hospital with the help of Google, or your husband.

They didn't withhold medical treatment, or neglect her either, they took her to a medical centre.

I understand your regret over the situation after seeing the scar develop though.

You don't have to go to your in laws for holidays if you don't want to, but be prepared for a few arguments with your husband over whether your dc will be going.

MamPadi · 10/01/2024 23:00

I wouldn't want to take kids there either , doesn't seem like a safe situation if something worse happened

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 10/01/2024 23:01

Yanbu for not wanting to go again
Yabu for not getting her to a hospital yourself using Google translate

Falkenburg · 10/01/2024 23:01

I also can't understand why you let the child sleep with a grandma who presumably she hasn't met very often in a foreign country and doesn't speak the language.

Why weren't you and your children all in one bed?

stealtheatingtunnocks · 10/01/2024 23:02

my son had a nasty injury on his chin at the same age, I was so upset about the scar. The plastic surgeon (was in the Uk, so it did get stitched!) said not to worry too much as kids faces grow from the middle out so while it was stark when he was small the scar would fade and move but stay the same size and that his face would get bigger. It’s now behind his jaw and barely noticeable, he’s 18.

WandaWonder · 10/01/2024 23:02

You are the parents you take your child, there seems to be a growing thing of parents expecting others to parent their children for them

Owlsoutsidethewindow · 10/01/2024 23:02

Would you be comfortable sharing what country this was? I'm just wondering what the health care provision is like

Mistlebough · 10/01/2024 23:06

It all sounds very strange. Why did you go without DH who spoke the language you could have waited until he was free. It seems odd for your child to sleepwith grandparent. Surely the DCs should be in with you and you could have provided a sleepmat if necessary. When your DD was injured and the GPs refused to help why didn’t you ignore them and find yourself a taxi from further afield or ring for an ambulance or ask a neighbour for a lift tothe hospital. It seems odd you just did what they told you instead of taking control yourself as their DM. YANBU to refuse to go any more as it is not a safe environment for DCs.

2jacqi · 10/01/2024 23:10

@Almondmist why did your daughter have to share a bed with your mother in law??? I would be staying in a hotel and just visiting if necessary, but I certainly would not have gone in the first place without my husband.

GreatGateauxsby · 10/01/2024 23:10

YANBU in general

but it’s all strange. The sleeping arrangements, lack of language, the lack of transport.

I was in Italy 2 years ago and had a bad accident I don’t suppose speak a stitch of Italian but just used google translate… it was all cool…

im guessing you were in shock or there were other issues at play but I have no clue why over a period of days you didn’t just take your child to a hospital. I’d literally have taken the car keys off them and gone.

also amazed you agreed to go back and visit again…

NuffSaidSam · 10/01/2024 23:13

I think you have to take some responsibility for this.

You knew there was a hospital 20 mins away. Get a taxi.

Bex5490 · 10/01/2024 23:15

Could the medical centre not have helped you get to the hospital?

Bearpawk · 10/01/2024 23:19

If your PILs weren't there at all and there was an accident what would you have done? Nothing? Or used your smart phone and figured it out?

Spinninggyro · 10/01/2024 23:19

Some very harsh comments here. Ubers are not available world wide and it sounded like the accident was in the middle of the night. Reading the post properly would help.