MIL injured my dd and would not take her to hospital

[Almondmist]

This is eating me up inside as I can't talk about this with anyone else, please help me decide what to do. Last year I went to visit my in-laws with my dds, my dh didn't go due to work commitments. My in-laws are nice people but also small minded. They live abroad in a small town and I can have a basic conversation with them in thier language. One night Dd2 slept with me and dd1 (4) slept with my mil. I have always used a bed guard with my dds abroad and my in-laws know this very well. It's a stone floor. In the middle of the night, dd1 woke up and came to me because she had a bad dream. I comforted her and my mil took her back to bed. 1 hour later I heard a thud and dd1 screaming. I ran into the room to see dd1 on the floor, her chin split open dripping blood. She had not been put on the side of the bed where the bed guard was in place, but on the other side where my mil should have been sleeping. The cut was an inch wide. I panicked and told my fil to take us to the hospital while my ignorant mil got a wet tissue to dab at the wound. My fil didn't take us to the hospital but a tiny medical centre, which was a tiny room with a guy claiming he was a nurse. He put a plaster on and that's all. I only have a beginner level knowledge of the local language and I said she needs stitches but the guy said no need it's enough. My dd bled for around four days, I begged my in-laws to take her to a hospital but they would look a me with a blank stare like they didn't understand me. I called my dh on the phone to translate to them but my fil refused and took her again to the same medical centre who only changed the plaster. I said to please call a taxi and I would pay for it but they said there are no taxis in the area. There is a hospital 20 mins drive away. I felt so lost and helpless. I cried so much. Its healed but there is a noticible scar left which, given the size, will remain. I was never given an apology for what happened and was told 'its just thier mentality'.
This time when I visited my in-laws with my dh, my mil notice the scar and said my dd should have got stitches. I saw red in that moment and screamed why she didn't do anything at the time and take dd to the hospital like I had begged.
I know what happened wasn't intentional but it was neglect and I am expected to carry on like nothing happened. But I can't let it go, I never want to see my in-laws again or leave take my dds there to meet them, I never enjoyed going I only did it for my dh. Soon the yearly subject will come up of booking the plane tickets and i want to tell dh no this time. I get so much anxiety and stressed out at the thought of going back there. I'm civil with my inlaws but i hate them since that incident. What would you do in my situation?

The explanation makes no sense, there no way she can't find a way to a hospital if she really wanted to. Yes the in laws were wrong but she could have also tried harder to get to a hospital rather than accept what her in laws said.

So there a hospital 20 minutes away but no way at all to get there unless inlaws take her????

It all sounds very strange. Why not let the four year old snuggle with you in a single bed. Or top to toe with dc1.

Also must have been someone that spoke English.

If they used steri strips it might be enough.

This doesn't sound right. Get them to come to you next year. Or you all go somewhere else

This makes no sense at all sorry op. Why didn't you ring your husband day one and say where is the nearest hospital?how do I get there without your parents help? Tbh your child was bleeding for 4 days and you stood by and did very little. I'd have raised merry hell .

She didn’t injure your child they did take you to a medical centre

different people have different ideas how to handle things you should of taken the lead

Nothing makes sense! You didn't discuss with your husband where the hospital was? You didn't ask him to organise a taxi, you asked an airport worker?

Like you said in your OP, you never liked going there, you now hate them.

Your DH can take his children to see his parents and it's best that you stay home.

Accidents do happen.

Also your comment of "ignorant" mil dabbed at it with a wet tissue is very telling.

You really dislike these people, even though you've confirmed they've been kind to you.

Op. You seem so passive in this situation. Why not ring your husband? Surely he would have been able to give you directions/ assistance.

When you visit family, you are still responsible for your child. You are not passing on that responsibility to your PIL.

YANBU to not visit your PIL, when your husband is not around.

Where do you all sleep when your DH goes with you?

to those saying that OP should have taken her DD to the hospital. Walked, told their in-laws that she would drive (with their own car), told her DH to organise her a hire car etc. I agree in theory. And it probably seems so easy to most of us. But it clearly was not in this case.

there is clearly a major culture gap and some language issues. We do not know if there were stores (or hotels) OP could have called and if they would have helped a foreign woman.

we also don’t know if there were safety issues to consider. There are so many places in this world where a person - especially a woman - walking along the street is exposed to considerable danger. Having bad reception won’t have helped. I would be incredibly afraid of getting lost (I have an awful sense of direction) and potentially endangering my child…

And that is only the question of whether taking the DD to a hospital was objectively possible.

There is also the issue of whether it was subjectively possible for the OP in that situation. It seems to me like OP felt isolated and was emotionally vulnerable. When two people who should care about your child clearly state that a doctor isn’t necessary? Make you feel as if you’re the crazy one? Refuse to engage with you?

That has an impact. And it seems like OP didn’t have the tools to defend herself (mentally).

=> there were clearly various barriers between OP getting her DD the necessary medical care.

and her in-laws were responsible for erecting most of them and /or intentionally refused to help OP overcome these obstacles. The comment her MIL made during this visit clearly illustrates that she understood the concept but that her in-laws simply did not want to help. Why?? To exert their own power? To distress OP?

we will probably never know. But I definitely hope that OP and her DD will never visit them again. Especially not without her husband present / the child’s father.

Your child bled for 4 days, you were pleading with them for 4 days and they did nothing?? Your dh didn't get on the phone and tell them to take the child to hospital?? Weird story with lot's missing

I don’t see how anyone can say you are being unreasonable!! That is horrendous, @Almondmist and you have every right as a parent to cease / limit contact with them. That is absolutely dreadful - poor you and poor Dd. That makes my blood boil and is, as you rightly said, neglect. I could never forgive that.

called my dh on the phone to translate to them but my fil refused and took her again to the same medical centre who only changed the plaster

she did ring her DH.

I can understand you’re upset, OP, but hopefully the scar will fade over time. My DD had a massive and awful gash on her forehead with chunks of skin missing and it was wide and zigzaggy. This has hugely improved now and you wouldn’t notice it unless I’d told you and you’d looked at her very closely.

Note - they didn’t put a single stitch in my DD’s forehead. They said they would leave scars. Instead they ‘glued’ the wound shut and put a couple of sutures on.

Also - obvious to me but maybe I’m old! You should always take an Italian phrasebook. They’re £5 or so and have excellent basic sections about getting a taxi, going to the doctors, being injured, etc. That and a pocket Italian dictionary would have been very helpful.

They took her to a MEDICAL centre in a country with one of the best healthcare systems in the world.The centre would have given her the most appropriate treatment or referred her yo the hospital had that been necessary.
I think you owe your MIL an apology

Yes you should have taken her yourself but I understand that’s not easy when someone else is telling you they won’t take you and you don’t speak the language.

If I were you, I wouldn’t go without DH again.

Yeah actually re-reading your title, I think your perspective is way off. Your MIL didn’t injure your DD. She fell out of bed and it was an accident.

Also must have been someone that spoke English

someone somewhere? Sure.

Someone OP knew (of) and would also manage to contact?
Not necessarily. There are so many places - especially remote and rural - where you won’t get far with English.

A small scar isn't an issue and might have happened even with stitches. If you felt your child needed a hospital though then you should have gone. It is your child, in your care, and your responsibility to take her to hospital. Middle of nowhere places can be hard; particularly parts of Asia and Africa, it's slow but it's always achievable. But you couldn't manage a bus in Italy? What is wrong with you, seriously? You have children, grow up and be more self sufficient.

By all means skip visiting the in laws if you want, but you'll need to let your DH take them if he wants to. Maybe rent a place next time so you have your own space, and get a car and a map if you really can't manage buses.

Nobody has mentioned Ubers. Just normal taxis. Remember them? OP could easily have Googled for a taxi number and ordered one for herself, using Google translate for help with language.

They were in southern Italy.....

They went to a medical centre

They were seen by a doctor

I think it’s a bit of a stretch to say anyone was neglectful tbh.

Not taking a child with a broken bone to hospital - neglect

Taking a child who cut their chin in an accident to a medical center - not neglect

However I can see why you would feel angry about the bed guard and PILs are in the wrong for not listening to you. Even if culturally they would not usually use a hospital for something like this to say no to a mother who wants to take their child to hospital is wrong.

I think they need a firm word from your DH.

My God, take some responsibility. Why were you incapable of ringing a taxi (not Uber) in 4 days?

In shock for 4 days because your child cut their chin? Come off it. Take some responsibility for not doing anything to sort yourself out.