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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL injured my dd and would not take her to hospital

364 replies

Almondmist · 10/01/2024 22:44

This is eating me up inside as I can't talk about this with anyone else, please help me decide what to do. Last year I went to visit my in-laws with my dds, my dh didn't go due to work commitments. My in-laws are nice people but also small minded. They live abroad in a small town and I can have a basic conversation with them in thier language. One night Dd2 slept with me and dd1 (4) slept with my mil. I have always used a bed guard with my dds abroad and my in-laws know this very well. It's a stone floor. In the middle of the night, dd1 woke up and came to me because she had a bad dream. I comforted her and my mil took her back to bed. 1 hour later I heard a thud and dd1 screaming. I ran into the room to see dd1 on the floor, her chin split open dripping blood. She had not been put on the side of the bed where the bed guard was in place, but on the other side where my mil should have been sleeping. The cut was an inch wide. I panicked and told my fil to take us to the hospital while my ignorant mil got a wet tissue to dab at the wound. My fil didn't take us to the hospital but a tiny medical centre, which was a tiny room with a guy claiming he was a nurse. He put a plaster on and that's all. I only have a beginner level knowledge of the local language and I said she needs stitches but the guy said no need it's enough. My dd bled for around four days, I begged my in-laws to take her to a hospital but they would look a me with a blank stare like they didn't understand me. I called my dh on the phone to translate to them but my fil refused and took her again to the same medical centre who only changed the plaster. I said to please call a taxi and I would pay for it but they said there are no taxis in the area. There is a hospital 20 mins drive away. I felt so lost and helpless. I cried so much. Its healed but there is a noticible scar left which, given the size, will remain. I was never given an apology for what happened and was told 'its just thier mentality'.
This time when I visited my in-laws with my dh, my mil notice the scar and said my dd should have got stitches. I saw red in that moment and screamed why she didn't do anything at the time and take dd to the hospital like I had begged.
I know what happened wasn't intentional but it was neglect and I am expected to carry on like nothing happened. But I can't let it go, I never want to see my in-laws again or leave take my dds there to meet them, I never enjoyed going I only did it for my dh. Soon the yearly subject will come up of booking the plane tickets and i want to tell dh no this time. I get so much anxiety and stressed out at the thought of going back there. I'm civil with my inlaws but i hate them since that incident. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
Illbefinejustbloodyfine · 10/01/2024 23:21

This is really odd. What would you gave done if you were on holiday without the in laws?

A relative had a serious accident abroad. Late at night. Only spoke a tiny amount if the language (glass of wine and a beer please...) but managed to call an ambulance and give the correct address. I think yabu for not taking your daughter to the hospital .

GreatGateauxsby · 10/01/2024 23:22

Spinninggyro · 10/01/2024 23:19

Some very harsh comments here. Ubers are not available world wide and it sounded like the accident was in the middle of the night. Reading the post properly would help.

My dd bled for around four days,

There is a hospital 20 mins drive away.

Motherofpearlxoxo · 10/01/2024 23:23

Staying with them sounds very isolated and intimidating. I would not go visit again. They sound very strange.

LuvSmallDogs · 10/01/2024 23:23

It sounds like they took her to a walk in medical centre, where they were happy to treat her rather than turn her away and insist on her going to the hospital.

I had a deep split in the flesh of my knee as a child and because A&E costs money where I grew up, mum and dad took me to a retired nurse they knew who patched me up with her first aid kit in her kitchen. Do your in-laws possibly worry about costs when it comes to medical care - is the walk-in cheaper than the hospital? It becomes ingrained in you, can't believe what people go to hospital or doctors with here!

ireallycantthinkofaname · 10/01/2024 23:28

I can't understand letting a kid bleed for 4 days and not doing something about it yourself if you weren't happy with how others had tried to deal with it. (Presumably the ILs thought the medical centre was fine and presumably they also care about their GD to let her share their bed.)

Nocturna · 10/01/2024 23:29

I wouldn’t be going to what sounds like a backwards country without appropriate healthcare. Was this person even qualified? Crazy to leave a wound bleeding for days which clearly needed stitches.

Flamingos89 · 10/01/2024 23:31

You should have got yourself and DD to the hospital when it was clear they were going to be no help. You could have found a taxi or spoken to someone the next day.

MissersMercer · 10/01/2024 23:33

Yabu and should have taken her yourself if it was that bad. Surely you could have found a taxi number/neighbour/open shop.

Ohdearohdearohdea · 10/01/2024 23:33

What country was it?

FuckinghellthatsUnbelievable · 10/01/2024 23:34

My dd aged 5 fell on a rock and got a massive cut on her chin, it was really deep straight through skin and through the yellow fat layer underneath, blood everywhere. I did take her to A and E, as I assumed it'd need stitched/ glued ( Is that even a thing here?). Anyway the nurse cleaned it, stuck it together with steri strips and stuck a plaster on. Apparently they don't generally stitch facial injuries as it can actually cause worse scarring in children.

She does have a scar , luckily just under her chin so not really noticable. I think its entirely possible if you had gone to a hospital you'd have pretty much the same outcome. That said your PIL are arses and I wouldnt be keen on staying at all.

Original poster
Almondmist · 10/01/2024 23:34

Thank you all for your honest responses, I'll try to answer as many questions as I can. The fall happened at 3am and my in-laws live in southern Italy, deep in the countryside. There are no ubers available here. I went alone with dh as it was summer holidays and he couldn't get time off work. Both my parents passed away before my dds were born so I wanted my dds to be close to the only grandparents they had. My in-laws have always been kind to me but I never knew how neglectful they were till last year.

OP posts:
sondot · 10/01/2024 23:36

Take responsibility Hmm

RangerNZ · 10/01/2024 23:37

I would suggest you never stay with them again. If you have to visit, stay in a motel or AIR BNB or something. Never again with them.

Original poster
Almondmist · 10/01/2024 23:37

I agree with many of you who said I should have found a way to take her to the hospital, I think I was in shock in disbelief but thats no excuse. I am also to blame and my dd deserved better than me.
I only found out the hospital was 20 mins away after I spoke to an airport worker on the flight back home

OP posts:
KissMyArt · 10/01/2024 23:42

Almondmist · 10/01/2024 23:34

Thank you all for your honest responses, I'll try to answer as many questions as I can. The fall happened at 3am and my in-laws live in southern Italy, deep in the countryside. There are no ubers available here. I went alone with dh as it was summer holidays and he couldn't get time off work. Both my parents passed away before my dds were born so I wanted my dds to be close to the only grandparents they had. My in-laws have always been kind to me but I never knew how neglectful they were till last year.

My in-laws have always been kind to me but I never knew how neglectful they were till last year.

I mean this gently but you were all neglectful.

You could've put a plaster on it yourself at 3am and taken her to the hospital the following morning.

heartbroken22 · 10/01/2024 23:42

Don't take her to them next year without ur husband. I wouldn't.

Babyboomtastic · 10/01/2024 23:43

Yes they should have taken her and were neglectful in not doing so. Equally, you should and could have gone yourself, and she's your daughter, so IMO you've been just as bad.

I can't believe that in 4 days you didn't even look in Google maps for the nearest hospital. You could have asked your husband to phone you a cab.

You managed to navigate yourself to another country, so why you couldn't manage to operate Google I don't know. And yes, it would have been easier for them to sort it, but the buck stops with parents.

kittensinthekitchen · 10/01/2024 23:43

Deep in the countryside, with both a hospital and a medical centre within a 20 minute drive.

Is this what MNers mean when 85% of people say they live 'rural'?

DiddyHeck · 10/01/2024 23:43

Almondmist · 10/01/2024 23:37

I agree with many of you who said I should have found a way to take her to the hospital, I think I was in shock in disbelief but thats no excuse. I am also to blame and my dd deserved better than me.
I only found out the hospital was 20 mins away after I spoke to an airport worker on the flight back home

Google would have told you.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 10/01/2024 23:46

I’m assuming you had a phone with internet access and could have googled the local hospital and found some kind of taxi service? Surely your DH could have helped from overseas with any language barrier? Or you could have booked a flight back home the next day. They do sound awful but You can’t blame your ILs for everything. You are the parent and could have taken her home or to the hospital.

PurpleOrchid42 · 10/01/2024 23:47

Insist they visit you from now on.

Alloftheskies · 10/01/2024 23:49

I've been so upset trapped somewhere with people who completely ignored my pleas. That is awful op I'm so sorry. I'd not ever be staying there again. Your DH can stay there with them.
I do think you should have taken it into your own hands and ordered your own taxi.. but I guess maybe there was no signal or you had no cash.. maybe you can't drive either? I stayed in rural Italy last summer and there was no Internet or mobile phone signal in the entire village I was staying in so I get it might not have been easy for you and you needed their help.

Maddy70 · 10/01/2024 23:51

It was an accident...they took her to get the medical attention they didn't think she needed stitches. They took her again when it continued to bleed a different hospital would have done the same treatment in all likelihood. stitches aren't usually needed scars happen with stitches

You sound rather hysterical in all honesty. This will be the first of mamy accidents im failing to see what the in laws did wrong

Alloftheskies · 10/01/2024 23:55

@Maddy70
They ignored the wishes of the clearly distressed mother who must've felt completely trapped and powerless because of that.
I'm sorry but if someone asks you to take them to hospital and you know they have no other way of getting there then you take them. It doesn't matter if you think they are overreacting, that's not your call. Give your opinion by all means but don't just ignore their pleas that's awful!

Milkybarsareonmeeeee · 10/01/2024 23:57

So you Didn’t get a flight home
you didn’t google an emergency number
you didn’t take her straight to hospital soon as you arrived home
Oh and YOU went back are you having a laugh!
Id not see them or my lovely husband again for this neglect from 4 adults
Sorry OP bit this , you will Have to live with

Use bio oil and hopefully this will
get smaller in time with growth also maybe seek cosmetic surgery and pay for it when or if your Dd decides.