MIL injured my dd and would not take her to hospital

[Almondmist]

This is eating me up inside as I can't talk about this with anyone else, please help me decide what to do. Last year I went to visit my in-laws with my dds, my dh didn't go due to work commitments. My in-laws are nice people but also small minded. They live abroad in a small town and I can have a basic conversation with them in thier language. One night Dd2 slept with me and dd1 (4) slept with my mil. I have always used a bed guard with my dds abroad and my in-laws know this very well. It's a stone floor. In the middle of the night, dd1 woke up and came to me because she had a bad dream. I comforted her and my mil took her back to bed. 1 hour later I heard a thud and dd1 screaming. I ran into the room to see dd1 on the floor, her chin split open dripping blood. She had not been put on the side of the bed where the bed guard was in place, but on the other side where my mil should have been sleeping. The cut was an inch wide. I panicked and told my fil to take us to the hospital while my ignorant mil got a wet tissue to dab at the wound. My fil didn't take us to the hospital but a tiny medical centre, which was a tiny room with a guy claiming he was a nurse. He put a plaster on and that's all. I only have a beginner level knowledge of the local language and I said she needs stitches but the guy said no need it's enough. My dd bled for around four days, I begged my in-laws to take her to a hospital but they would look a me with a blank stare like they didn't understand me. I called my dh on the phone to translate to them but my fil refused and took her again to the same medical centre who only changed the plaster. I said to please call a taxi and I would pay for it but they said there are no taxis in the area. There is a hospital 20 mins drive away. I felt so lost and helpless. I cried so much. Its healed but there is a noticible scar left which, given the size, will remain. I was never given an apology for what happened and was told 'its just thier mentality'.
This time when I visited my in-laws with my dh, my mil notice the scar and said my dd should have got stitches. I saw red in that moment and screamed why she didn't do anything at the time and take dd to the hospital like I had begged.
I know what happened wasn't intentional but it was neglect and I am expected to carry on like nothing happened. But I can't let it go, I never want to see my in-laws again or leave take my dds there to meet them, I never enjoyed going I only did it for my dh. Soon the yearly subject will come up of booking the plane tickets and i want to tell dh no this time. I get so much anxiety and stressed out at the thought of going back there. I'm civil with my inlaws but i hate them since that incident. What would you do in my situation?

Who said the child doesn't have the same language as Granny?
Op doesn't very well but the child has a Dad who presumably has taught her his first language

Rude! I clearly said FIL wasn't responsive enough.
OP said the child was bleeding for 4 days. She could have got her there the next day.
All the adults are to blame here, but OP is the parent at the scene. There is no point in her projecting all the blame on the in laws, as though she wasn't there.

In fairness, facial cuts are very rarely stitched. My DD had a similar chin cut which looked really deep, but it was dealt with by the nurse at the doctor's who attached a steri strip and plaster. She explained that it would scar less that way.

So don't beat yourself or the in-laws up. It would almost certainly have been managed the same way here.

The scar was there for a year or two, but then it disappeared pretty quickly. That's the way with kids. Their skin heals better and faster than ours.

What’s rude is implying OP hates herself. That’s no way to talk to a woman still in distress.

OP says she only found out there’s a hospital nearby the day she flew back.

But don’t let that get in the way if your ‘blame the mum’.

I'd chalk up falling off the bed to an accident but it just seems weird that DH didn't ask them where the hospital was or their reasons for not taking you, nor did the inlaws ask DH to translate their concerns about taking you to the hospital. I'd definitely have some questions for DH about this.

Personally though, I would have asked DH to look up the nearest hospital if your wifi was rubbish, with a view to getting there under your own steam.

If neither they nor your DH have your back when you're worried in a country where you're not confident in the language and stuck somewhere with limited internet access, then I simply wouldn't return on your own.

To be fair OP hasn't stated how many times they have visited each other. I was basing my assumption on two visits a year so 8 visits in total with 6 months forgetting time in between each visit. A four yr old won't remember so yes, a stranger.

OP spoke on the phone to DH. He could have googled hospital, taxi firm and texted her phrases to use. Or demand his parents take his child. So many options really.

Admittedly I have no experience of Italian healthcare, but I find it really shocking and surprising that a clinician seeing what sounds like a large facial laceration on a child didn't refer you to somewhere with the appropriate expertise to assess and close it (unless they had the expertise themselves).

If it 'needed' suturing and instead just received a plaster the scarring would be massive. Do you mean they steri-stripped it? When this and or glue is used appropriately it is often preferable to sutures and gives a better cosmetic finish. It may be that it was closed properly however the nature of the injury just meant it was always going to leave a scar.

I do wound closure myself but would only close very simple facial wounds on elderly & absolutely desperate to stay out of hospital patient. To close a facial wound on a child just absolutely not.

I split open my chin when I was 4. They glued it. It still scarred. 30+ years later I can still feel the scar, a neat line, but it isn't visible at all. The worst thing was that I was no longer allowed in the pool that holiday! Try to change your attitude about scars, they're going to happen. I quite like mine.

Go with an Italian-English speaker next time, and keep a list of all the local services. They may not have Uber but surely they have other taxis or their own car? Learn to drive if needed.

@mottytotty I'm sorry it's too deep a concept for you to appreciate.
The OP littered her post with the word 'hate' which is such an emotive word, that has so many connotations attached to it. It's obvious to me that she is projecting.
This incident happened a good while ago, she's not posting in distress, so doesn't need to be handled gently. She's posting to say she doesn't want to visit the in laws because she blames them. If OP was the father, they'd be told to accept their part in the blame too.

Could I suggest that if you're in this arrangement again with 2 single beds that you sleep in one bed and your children top & tail in the other one - one sleeps with her head at the head of the bed, the other with her head at the foot of the bed? It's how we used to sleep when young & gives you so much more space.

OP, I spend a lot of time in southern Italy, so I can totally understand what others can’t. There are no Ubers in our local area. No reliable taxi service; certainly not one at 3am. If you couldn’t access WiFi (our house there doesn’t have WiFi; some local areas have terrible reception) and didn’t speak any Italian in an area where I presume no English is spoken, I can totally understand your feeling of helplessness.

A lot of small towns have these walk in centres, especially in the summer months. Trust me when I say that they’re often better staffed than hospitals in the summer when everyone is on holiday.

Added to which I’m guessing your DH is in thrall of his mother and just used to doing what his parents say, assuming it’s the stereotypical southern household.

All I can suggest is that you learn the language asap, and gain some agency. If you don’t drive, and funds permit, learn to drive, and insist on a hire car. You have potentially years of visiting ahead of you, unless you are happy for your husband to take the children without you, so you need to be better prepared. We spend every summer in Italy; it’s a lovely thing for children, but can be draining for adults. You need to equip yourself for next time.

she had a phone conversation with her husband who had remained at their home for work commitments - he speaks the native language and presumably he knows his parents address - he could have arranged all these things for her

Given the language barrier I would never go there again without your husband

Why would you go anywhere that leaves you so reliant on ignorant, selfish and uncaring people? Always assume other people are fundamentally unreliable. Do not place your children (or yourself) in that situation again. Next time it could be much worse.

Learn how to dial the emergency number before you go anywhere. If my ds were injured, I can ask for an ambulance or a doctor in enough languages to make myself understood.

Or stick to cities/countries with immediately available healthcare where you speak the language.

I’m actually on FIL’s side. After decades in A&E there is nothing more frustrating than people coming in with stuff like this that absolutely CAN be dealt with by medical centres. That’s their remit. Zero requirement to clog A&E even further. Not all wounds should be sutured, it’s situational, sometimes doing this would actually make scarring worse so a case by case assessment. I would think that if the person (suitably qualified I would hope), at the medical centre assessed it as requiring sutures they would have done it there. They seem to have assessed it as not being suitable for sutures? Why then go to A&E to wait forever (and complain while doing so), to finally be told the same thing (with staff wondering why you didn’t save everyone’s time and go to a medical centre instead).

Put Mederma on the scar. Follow the instructions religiously. I did with my dd when she was hit by flying glass in the face. The scar went away.

And sunscreen. Merderma and Sunscreen are your biggest friends when it comes to childhood scars.

I was angry reading the OP, particularly MIL's tone-deaf comment on the scar! However, I wouldn't stop visits to your husband's family over this. I'd set some ground rules, instead.

First, you don't go without him. If he can't go, neither will you.

Second, learn more about how you can get transportation, medical assistance, etc. in the area, before your next trip. (This should be less of an issue if you only travel with your husband, but it's still good to know.) Put it on your phone, print it out, whatever makes you feel better.

Third, child doesn't sleep with in-laws or do anything else that makes you nervous. I'd settle on being thought 'difficult', if need be, to get my way in anything that mattered enough to me. You can be stubborn and insistent if you need to be. (I'd inform DH that this would be the case beforehand. No more letting in-laws make big decisions that are yours to make, as the children's mother.)

But ultimately, I wouldn't keep your children from knowing their grandparents, and in your place I'd feel even more worried if DH took them on his own without me there to weigh in on risks.

It wasn't intentional, and with the correct precautions it won't be repeated.

What would you have done if she had fell abroad and no in-laws were there? I agree they should have took you to hospital but could you have got a taxi the next day. However it is possible in their opinion the place they took you is better.

My son split his chin in uk. The amount of blood/swelling was unreal. We waited 8 hours in children's a&e (he was 6). As there was NO doctor to see anyone at all (nobody got seen for a good six hours including a tiny baby that screamed for hours and a teen with a very obviously broken leg plus another 10 or so children)

When he eventually got seen having not eaten or had anything other than a few sips of water all day. The doctor put three strips on it. (Did not stop bleeding) The doctor (who I suspect was not a a&e/children's or doctor who typically deals with injuries) did not seem to know what to do at all. We had to go to a well known children's hospital an hour away the next day as his (adult sob) teeth were damaged and they were verbally appalled at the state of his face and how little had been done. He now has significant scarring on his chin.

I never go to the hospital for anything now. There's a wonderful minor injuries about a 40 min drive away (hospital is ten minutes away) that has short wait times and are extremely knowledgeable

Don't go again is my thoughts!

FWIW my DS fell onto an aerial plug socket when cruising at about 1 year old, he has what looked like a bullseye scar on the lower forehead, between his eyebrows, top of nose, it was hideous. It took a good 9-12 months but it did disappear so hopefully this scar will eventually go too

All she needed was a way to phone her DH. He could have used google translate if hes not fluent and booked a cab to pick them up.

If your child was bleeding for 4 days and you felt the need to get them to a hospital, you find a way! Even if it means you get on an earlier flight home.

I do think you need to take more responsibility for this. But lesson learned. Don’t take your kids there again, and in future when booking holidays, research beforehand where and how you can get medical help for your young children.

I don't think most people are blaming OP for her actions at 3am right after the incident. People are saying she could have done more in response to her saying she cried for days. She had access to a phone to call her DH. She could have rung and asked him where the nearest hospital was and how to get there (it's not clear whether the 'no taxis' was just because it was 3am or whether there would be no taxis at any time - much more difficult if it's the latter).

The ILs are mostly to blame for not giving their guest the peace of mind she wanted by driving to the hospital. And I don't blame OP for losing it at MIL over the stitches comment later. The DH is also to blame for not advocating better. But OP can't control what other people do, she can only control how she acts, and people are pointing out what she could have done differently - and OP has gracefully acknowledged this.

To answer the original question, I would bring up the issue before your DH mentions booking tickets. Tell him that the refusal to respond to your concerns left you feeling isolated and vulnerable and that you don't want to visit people who treat you that way.

If you do decide to visit in future, another option could be to all meet somewhere else in Italy that's less isolated with good transport. There would be more for you to do and you could book separate rooms and be independent of the ILs.

kids faces grow from the middle out - I never knew that, and it makes perfect sense! Thanks, @stealtheatingtunnocks.

I tend to agree that DD did get appropriate treatment, and OP could've found her way to the main hospital the next day as she was anxious.

I understand her shock & fear at the time. I understand why she went along with the in-laws' solution. But she had DAYS to take charge - and didn't.

Are you sure your anger at MIL isn't misdirected frustration at yourself, OP, for your failure to step up and be an adult? If so, maybe forgive the PILs for doing their best, and make a resolution to be pro-active next time you face an emergency 🙂

Thats batshit have you never travelled to another country and not spoken the language?
I've travelled the world solo with few issues. What a narrow sheltered outlook