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AIBU?

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Original poster

MIL injured my dd and would not take her to hospital

364 replies

Almondmist · 10/01/2024 22:44

This is eating me up inside as I can't talk about this with anyone else, please help me decide what to do. Last year I went to visit my in-laws with my dds, my dh didn't go due to work commitments. My in-laws are nice people but also small minded. They live abroad in a small town and I can have a basic conversation with them in thier language. One night Dd2 slept with me and dd1 (4) slept with my mil. I have always used a bed guard with my dds abroad and my in-laws know this very well. It's a stone floor. In the middle of the night, dd1 woke up and came to me because she had a bad dream. I comforted her and my mil took her back to bed. 1 hour later I heard a thud and dd1 screaming. I ran into the room to see dd1 on the floor, her chin split open dripping blood. She had not been put on the side of the bed where the bed guard was in place, but on the other side where my mil should have been sleeping. The cut was an inch wide. I panicked and told my fil to take us to the hospital while my ignorant mil got a wet tissue to dab at the wound. My fil didn't take us to the hospital but a tiny medical centre, which was a tiny room with a guy claiming he was a nurse. He put a plaster on and that's all. I only have a beginner level knowledge of the local language and I said she needs stitches but the guy said no need it's enough. My dd bled for around four days, I begged my in-laws to take her to a hospital but they would look a me with a blank stare like they didn't understand me. I called my dh on the phone to translate to them but my fil refused and took her again to the same medical centre who only changed the plaster. I said to please call a taxi and I would pay for it but they said there are no taxis in the area. There is a hospital 20 mins drive away. I felt so lost and helpless. I cried so much. Its healed but there is a noticible scar left which, given the size, will remain. I was never given an apology for what happened and was told 'its just thier mentality'.
This time when I visited my in-laws with my dh, my mil notice the scar and said my dd should have got stitches. I saw red in that moment and screamed why she didn't do anything at the time and take dd to the hospital like I had begged.
I know what happened wasn't intentional but it was neglect and I am expected to carry on like nothing happened. But I can't let it go, I never want to see my in-laws again or leave take my dds there to meet them, I never enjoyed going I only did it for my dh. Soon the yearly subject will come up of booking the plane tickets and i want to tell dh no this time. I get so much anxiety and stressed out at the thought of going back there. I'm civil with my inlaws but i hate them since that incident. What would you do in my situation?

OP posts:
LiquidGold315 · 10/01/2024 23:57

I'm sorry but they weren't neglectful. They took her to a medical center who deemed stitches weren't necessary. You could have taken her to the hospital at any point. Google is your friend

Italiangreyhound · 10/01/2024 23:58

I would not want my children going back there.

I think you are totally right. It's an awful situation.

Topsyturvy78 · 10/01/2024 23:58

Your her mother if they refused to transport her you should have taken her yourself. How hard would it be to book a taxi?

mottytotty · 11/01/2024 00:00

TheSlantedOwl · 10/01/2024 22:57

No. Fuck that. They don’t get to have a relationship with your DC if they are that deranged and irresponsible.

I agree with this. They are irresponsible and the remark about stitches was cruel. I’d not go back.

How did they react when you shouted?

ReadtheReviews · 11/01/2024 00:01

I barely get signal om my phone in the UK countryside.
I've also stayed with relatives at their mercy of where to go because I didn't have a hire car. Taxis not a thing there. Ubers not around. Expect op was tied by politeness to not go to neighbours who may have been far away, elderly, not spoken any English etc etc.
The pile on is not deserved.
I wouldn't go OP. Let dh take them if he wants. The anxiety will be high for you but not as high as being around them yourself.

GooseClues · 11/01/2024 00:02

I don’t know the system in Italy but I’ve lived in several EU countries where a hospital would not have been the right place for that kind of injury. For example, in Denmark I couldn’t just rock up to a hospital, I had to call a number to get triaged and then referred.

It’s very possible that the medical centre was the correct place to go to and as your in-laws don’t have experience with NHS they couldn’t even comprehend why you’re asking for a hospital. The real problem is that they didn’t insist on stitches or better care at the center. And your MIL is a massive dick about now saying she needed stitches.

Original poster
Almondmist · 11/01/2024 00:02

Thank you for all your replies, it's helping me see things clearer. To answer some questions - There's very poor wifi signal out there so the translator wasn't working.
Apologies the hospital was 30 mins away not 20 mins.
I let dd sleep with mil because the room I was in had 2 single beds pushed together. To sleep in the middle would be extremely uncomfortable because of the seams so that's why I let dd sleep with mil, I would have preferred she slept with me.

OP posts:
icallitasplodge · 11/01/2024 00:02

I’ve been in a rural foreign country with in laws who don’t give a shit too. YANBU.

Ohnoooooooo · 11/01/2024 00:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Bournetilly · 11/01/2024 00:05

You should have taken her yourself and your excuses aren’t good enough.

It was the middle of the night and your FIL took her to the medical centre, by the time you got back it would have been getting closer to morning anyway when you could have got a taxi.

It bled for 4 days and you returned to the medical centre which means you had plenty of time to get her to a hospital even if it wasn’t immediately.

You had a phone and surely anyone in this situation with a phone would think to google hospitals and taxi companies. Or your husband could have helped, did he grow up here? If yes he would have known and if no he also still could have looked.

I think you need to take responsibility for this.

Alloftheskies · 11/01/2024 00:08

Some people on this thread have no idea what rural means.
You think you can get Google everywhere?
There are places in the UK even where your only hope would be someone's landline...
Factor in not speaking the language... how on earth are you going to get a taxi? How are you going to find a taxi number? How are you going to communicate and pay etc etc... if the people you thought you could trust that you are staying with aren't helping you you'd be up shit creek

Frangipanyoul8r · 11/01/2024 00:08

That’s horrific. I’m so sorry you and DD went through that. It’s easy to feel helpless and stranded when you’re in a country where you don’t speak the language and no one is advocating for you. I don’t know why people are giving you a hard time here.

ColleenDonaghy · 11/01/2024 00:10

YANBU to not want to go on holidays to your in-laws without your DH, especially when you don't speak the language.

YANBU to think that if a mother wants to bring her child to a hospital the decent thing to do would be to help her, whether you think it's necessary or not.

YWBU not to get her medical attention yourself when you weren't happy with how it was healing.

YABU to blame MIL for the accident in the first place, I wouldn't be thinking of bed rails for a 4yo in the middle of the night.

MariaLuna · 11/01/2024 00:11

I would never take my child there again.

Let them fucking pay for you to visit. Plus hotel. Job done.

Solo mum by choice, fab family abroad who would never treat us like that.

mottytotty · 11/01/2024 00:15

Alloftheskies · 11/01/2024 00:08

Some people on this thread have no idea what rural means.
You think you can get Google everywhere?
There are places in the UK even where your only hope would be someone's landline...
Factor in not speaking the language... how on earth are you going to get a taxi? How are you going to find a taxi number? How are you going to communicate and pay etc etc... if the people you thought you could trust that you are staying with aren't helping you you'd be up shit creek

I agree. People are acting like OP didn’t get medical attention for her dd. She did, she told FIL to take them to the hospital and FIL took her to a medical centre. OP didn’t know there was a hospital 30 minutes away.

The PIL have been cruel here. FIL for refusing to take OP to a hospital and MIL for her sly ‘should have got stitches’ remark. The FIL is the real villain here, I wouldn’t want to see his face again.

Happyhappyday · 11/01/2024 00:17

Given you were only in southern Italy and not in say rural Malaysia, you should have been able to put your big girl pants on and just get her there yourself. I’m going to guess you didn’t get a hire car or can’t drive. In which I wouldn’t take my kids by myself somewhere that I couldn’t properly communicate with people and was totally reliant on someone I couldn’t communicate with for transportation, but then I don’t like to rely on other people.

EnfysPreseli · 11/01/2024 00:26

I hope your daughter is now OK and not worried about her scar. From my own experience I'd suggest keeping an eye on her jaw alignment and speak to the GP or dentist if you have any concerns. I had a playground injury that seemed superficial as a child, with some scaring on my chin and lip. As I've got older it's become obvious that it's affected my bite and the symmetry of my face. I think if my parents were aware of the potential problems they would have kept an eye on it. There are also more treatment options if there are such issues these days. Chances are your daughter will be fine, of course.

LittleGreenDragons · 11/01/2024 00:27

I let dd sleep with mil because the room I was in had 2 single beds pushed together.

You still let a four yr old sleep with a stranger and not knowing the language either. That is not normal. And where did FIL sleep?

I get you were in shock on the first day but four days of bleeding and you didn't move heaven and earth to get her to hospital? I find that worse tbh

PelicanPopcorn · 11/01/2024 00:27

OP I think posters have been a bit harsh! You were in a foreign country where you don't speak the language and 'googling a taxi' isn't an option everywhere and can even be risky when you don't know much about the place and depending where you are. Those 'a mother finds a way' comments just speak to people being a bit naive and judgemental!
The issue is your inlaws. To be honest I think despite language barriers it would have been very obvious what you wanted and your distress. Them not responding to that is not on. I think this needs to be made clear for to them by your dh and you need assurances that you will be respected and taken seriously when you have concerns about your child.
I'm so sorry you had to deal with this situation it's incredibly stressful.

whynotwhatknot · 11/01/2024 00:28

and why couldnt dh have ordered you a tacxi from his end

hes not completely blameless in this

Fionaville · 11/01/2024 00:29

I think you may be projecting some of your own guilt onto your in laws here. You're the parent, so the buck stops with you. You were there, watching her bleed as much as them. You could have found a way to get to the hospital (like tens of thousands of people abroad do every year)
This is not to make you feel bad, but to have you accept your responsibility in this and perhaps acknowledge that the hatred your feeling for them, is partly the hatred you feel for yourself for not acting adequately.
Yes, your MIL was at fault for the fall and DIL wasn't responsive enough and you probably feel some trauma response to what happened there. But you need to accept a lot of the blame as the parent and forgive yourself, so you can move on from this properly.

mottytotty · 11/01/2024 00:31

LittleGreenDragons · 11/01/2024 00:27

I let dd sleep with mil because the room I was in had 2 single beds pushed together.

You still let a four yr old sleep with a stranger and not knowing the language either. That is not normal. And where did FIL sleep?

I get you were in shock on the first day but four days of bleeding and you didn't move heaven and earth to get her to hospital? I find that worse tbh

It’s not a stranger, it’s the child’s grandmother.

OP didn’t there was a hospital nearby and the chin would have stopped bleeding the next day .

I find your victim blaming disgusting tbh

theconfidenceofwho · 11/01/2024 00:32

Fionaville · 11/01/2024 00:29

I think you may be projecting some of your own guilt onto your in laws here. You're the parent, so the buck stops with you. You were there, watching her bleed as much as them. You could have found a way to get to the hospital (like tens of thousands of people abroad do every year)
This is not to make you feel bad, but to have you accept your responsibility in this and perhaps acknowledge that the hatred your feeling for them, is partly the hatred you feel for yourself for not acting adequately.
Yes, your MIL was at fault for the fall and DIL wasn't responsive enough and you probably feel some trauma response to what happened there. But you need to accept a lot of the blame as the parent and forgive yourself, so you can move on from this properly.

This!

Outthedoor24 · 11/01/2024 00:33

Op I think you are getting a tough time. And eating your self up because of the scar. The accident happened and it was an accident in the middle of the night. Mil was probably half asleep and not thinking - who is thinking straight at 3am???

What would a hospital nurse or a practice nurse done differently to the medical centre nurses - probably not much!
Stitches could possibly have caused more scaring not less.

Mil is probably upset at the scar because her being on the wrong side of the bed caused it. And just generally nobody wants to see a scar on a child, especially not their face.

Op I'd try and learn more Italian, so your more confident at communicating. I assume your kids are bilingual so let Italian be the language used in the house.

I'd change sleeping arrangements so kids are in your room. They are small enough to top n tail in a single or one on an air bed.

It's certainly not worth falling out over.

mottytotty · 11/01/2024 00:34

Fionaville · 11/01/2024 00:29

I think you may be projecting some of your own guilt onto your in laws here. You're the parent, so the buck stops with you. You were there, watching her bleed as much as them. You could have found a way to get to the hospital (like tens of thousands of people abroad do every year)
This is not to make you feel bad, but to have you accept your responsibility in this and perhaps acknowledge that the hatred your feeling for them, is partly the hatred you feel for yourself for not acting adequately.
Yes, your MIL was at fault for the fall and DIL wasn't responsive enough and you probably feel some trauma response to what happened there. But you need to accept a lot of the blame as the parent and forgive yourself, so you can move on from this properly.

Why are you acting like OP didn’t tell FIL to take them to a hospital there and then? And then when FIL took them to a medical centre OP tried to get FIL to take them to a hospital and FIL refused? Why are you ignoring that this happened at 3am? That there was no wifi? That there is no Uber? That OP was told there are no taxis? That OP’s husband couldn’t even make his own father take his daughter to hospital? Why makes you so perfect? Not your reading that’s for sure.

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