Page 17 | Argh, look at this awful text from a date!

londonisnotme · 2024-01-10T21:00:59+00:00

AIBU to think it's just bloody awful? 'Hi L! How are you? Sorry I haven't replied , busy few days in the office. Listen, I really enjoyed our time together but I think your caring roles are a different world to mine. It just doesn't seem right for me to, and I thought you needed to know. You ARE beautiful (yes you are!) , but I can't get past this. I needed you to know so you knew why sometimes it won't work , but I'm sure there's a very nice guy out there just for you 😌' I go from thinking it's cringe, to patronising. To maybe making for of me?! For context, went on a few dates. Kissed and asked to have sex. I did. I wanted to. Wasn't very good but we move He's then text this. Whilst I'm on a date with someone else Saturday night [grin] I still haven't deleted the text so me and a few friends can have a laugh.

Heather37231 · 11/01/2024 12:32

I read it in a squeaky James Blunt voice!

FourLeggedBuckers · 11/01/2024 12:32

I’d like to know if any of the women who would be happy to receive this message in these circumstances would write the same text themselves to a man.

Would a woman really write the “you ARE handsome (yes you are!)” line to a man?

And if you wouldn’t say it to a man, why would you be happy to have a man say it to you?

SerafinasGoose · 11/01/2024 12:33

FourLeggedBuckers · 11/01/2024 12:00

Well this thread certainly explains why there are so many people on mumsnet who have sleepwalked into relationships with manipulative and misogynistic men.

Red flags - please learn to spot them and read between the lines. And raise your standards - this really isn’t “better” than being ghosted, it’s just a different variety of shit.

It’s not about whether he wants to be in a relationship with the OP, or not, it’s about how he thinks about and communicates with women. Read that text again and ask yourself if there is any respect for the OP in what he’s said. He talks to her like she’s an insecure little child who needs his reassurance that she’s valid. That is not ok.

And I’d say sharing this text online is a worthwhile act if it influences just one person in how they interpret male behaviour and communication.

Brava, @FourLeggedBuckers.

The implicit message 'Be Kind' reverberates long and loudly through this thread. Put up with the patrony, infantalizing and negging, OP, because 'he's only trying to be polite'. Predictably OP's derisive reaction is SO mean; naturally far worse than the patrony, infantalizing and negging which prompted it in the first place. Boils my blood, TBH, that we're still in a place in 2024 in which women are encouraged to return men's flagrant disrespect with nothing but respect, and if you can't do that, say nothing.

Just look at where that's getting us in the current climate.

I heard and internalized all the messages in my younger years of 'you must be polite', and 'let him down gently'. I followed the last piece of advice and it earned me nearly a year of stalking, culminating in an attempt made on my life. Go, me.

And so much for patriarchal indoctrination. It's not intended to benefit women and we get no brownie points whatsoever for being kind, nice and polite. In fact, it will usually be used against us to our detriment. When will some of us ever learn?

Original poster

londonisnotme · 11/01/2024 12:33

Heather37231 · 11/01/2024 12:32

I read it in a squeaky James Blunt voice!

Ooo ironic, he reminded me a bit of James Blunt! Surface level he was a catch, but had a stranger vibe to him after that

Then again he loves running and does every week or so running competitions could never see myself personally being one of those families holding everyone up in their cars as they rode their tandem bike along

He was very good looking though (hence the sex)

OP posts:

AliceOlive · 11/01/2024 12:33

I think mentioning someone’s occupation is really, really off. Bringing up their disabled child is ten times worse.

Imagine telling a man his role as an auto mechanic is not compatible for you. It’s really not nice no matter how true.

Original poster

londonisnotme · 11/01/2024 12:35

AliceOlive · 11/01/2024 12:33

I think mentioning someone’s occupation is really, really off. Bringing up their disabled child is ten times worse.

Imagine telling a man his role as an auto mechanic is not compatible for you. It’s really not nice no matter how true.

I think it's fair enough. I wasn't hurt or offended. Although he could've just said something more generic.

My ex was a Doctor. Awful to date. Nice man, profession not so nice and you will suffer for it alongside them for a long time

OP posts:

PeggyPoggleshaw · 11/01/2024 12:44

SirQuintusAureliusMaximus · 11/01/2024 12:23

And raise your standards - this really isn’t “better” than being ghosted, it’s just a different variety of shit.

This is nonsense. The OP and everyone else spouting these lines seem overly riled about the fact a man does not want to date a parent carer. This is his choice.

If you are a parent carer you may not like it as it is too close to home, any more than if you are divorced parent, being told by a man that he does not want to date a divorcee with children or if you are unfit and hate exercise, being told that a man wants to date a very active person he can go running with. This is life though.

Being ghosted is very rude for three main reasons. One is that it is just plain discourteous to end contact with someone you have been engaging with on an intimate level whatever stage it has got to. The second is - this is the important one - is that a ghoster knows it is likely to cause a lot of mental angst in the ghostee - because human nature hates uncertainty and the mind will mentally gnaw obsessively on what the reason was for the sudden change from interested dater to radio silence. The third is that it is cowardly and dishonest.

So actually being told directly (however badly worded and however patronising) that someone does not what to date you for compatibility reasons and roughly what those reasons are, is "better" than being ghosted because it is politer actually to make the position clear, it provides certainty to the recipient and avoids the mental picking apart anguish and it is honest and direct.

Of course it is "shit" to be rejected ESPECIALLY for something about yourself that you can't change. The more so where it is worded badly in a patronising way. But that unfortunately is part of dating and life. Rejection for trivial or important reasons that matter to other people that may not matter to you is how the world turns.

Top tip: if you are ever in this situation yourself, the simple answer is to say as a reason there's no chemistry for you. It's a reason, it's simple and understandable, it's not as offensive as the real reason and you can't argue with it.

Brilliantly put. 👏

AliceOlive · 11/01/2024 12:49

londonisnotme · 11/01/2024 12:35

I think it's fair enough. I wasn't hurt or offended. Although he could've just said something more generic.

My ex was a Doctor. Awful to date. Nice man, profession not so nice and you will suffer for it alongside them for a long time

Show quote history

I see your point but think it could really hurt someone who is already struggling.

Pomodori · 11/01/2024 12:59

YANBU, because my casual dating friends get pathetic texts like this from time to time. We all get to have a good laugh 😄

"How are you?" - Why do people start what is essentially a "I don't like you" text, with this?! It's not like they're actually interested in how you are or would even want a reply.

"Sorry I haven't replied" - No you're not, lol.

"Busy few days" - Why do people use this excuse, when we all know they're constantly on their phone, crushing candies, looking at social media, researching The Roman Empire, swiping on Tinder 🙃

"Listen," - Oh yeah, women love being told what to do. We'll all hang on your every word from now on.

"I really enjoyed our time together" - Superfluous platitude, thanks for the food, drinks and shags you mean.

"but I think your caring roles are a different world to mine" - Just couldn't imagine caring for anyone or anything, the mere concept is soooo out there and foreign 🙄

"I thought you needed to know" - Aww, how thoughtful, because all women do is stare at their phones desperately waiting for the thoughts of men. We're able to rest now you've let us know.

"You ARE beautiful" - Because a women's only worth is in how they look and can only be validated by a man.

"but I can't get past this" - Contrived melodrama!

"I needed you to know so you knew why sometimes it won't work" - Thank you for letting a woman fulfill your needs, by educating us with your deep knowledge.

"I'm sure there's a very nice guy out there just for you" - Another weird superfluous platitude, predicting the future.

I swear it's like people only have a few old, boring cliches to choose from, no originality. I'm only surprised that he didn't add "we can be friends if you like" at the very end, because he's so "very nice"!

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 11/01/2024 13:01

SirQuintusAureliusMaximus · 11/01/2024 12:23

And raise your standards - this really isn’t “better” than being ghosted, it’s just a different variety of shit.

This is nonsense. The OP and everyone else spouting these lines seem overly riled about the fact a man does not want to date a parent carer. This is his choice.

If you are a parent carer you may not like it as it is too close to home, any more than if you are divorced parent, being told by a man that he does not want to date a divorcee with children or if you are unfit and hate exercise, being told that a man wants to date a very active person he can go running with. This is life though.

Being ghosted is very rude for three main reasons. One is that it is just plain discourteous to end contact with someone you have been engaging with on an intimate level whatever stage it has got to. The second is - this is the important one - is that a ghoster knows it is likely to cause a lot of mental angst in the ghostee - because human nature hates uncertainty and the mind will mentally gnaw obsessively on what the reason was for the sudden change from interested dater to radio silence. The third is that it is cowardly and dishonest.

So actually being told directly (however badly worded and however patronising) that someone does not what to date you for compatibility reasons and roughly what those reasons are, is "better" than being ghosted because it is politer actually to make the position clear, it provides certainty to the recipient and avoids the mental picking apart anguish and it is honest and direct.

Of course it is "shit" to be rejected ESPECIALLY for something about yourself that you can't change. The more so where it is worded badly in a patronising way. But that unfortunately is part of dating and life. Rejection for trivial or important reasons that matter to other people that may not matter to you is how the world turns.

Top tip: if you are ever in this situation yourself, the simple answer is to say as a reason there's no chemistry for you. It's a reason, it's simple and understandable, it's not as offensive as the real reason and you can't argue with it.

You are missing the point . Totally .

It's the bit where he tells OP she is beautiful (oh yes she is 🙄) and that she will find someone who is right for her one day. It's massively patronising and so unnecessary. It reads as if he sees himself as being so superior to her.

OP - I would reply along the lines of

'No worries - as explained I'm not actually looking for a relationship ATM anyway x '

I've added the kiss as it's the way most people text and makes your reply look more off-the-cuff-not-bothered. If you wouldn't normally sign off with a 'x' then don't use it .

NeighbourhoodWatchPotholeDivision · 11/01/2024 13:04

AlwaysGinPlease · 11/01/2024 10:24

@NeighbourhoodWatchPotholeDivision

Nobody likes a smart arse 😂

You are NOT nobody (no you aren't!) ❤

butterpuffed · 11/01/2024 13:18

He said sorry for not replying , OP said she hadn't texted him. Who knows 🤐
They're both better off without each other .

ClawedButler · 11/01/2024 13:24

Well yeah, it beats being ghosted but dear god the level of cringe is off the chart.

I think this is yet another perfect occasion to use the infamous response from a Mumsnetter: "Thanks for your opinion, random man"

SirQuintusAureliusMaximus · 11/01/2024 14:05

@ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea

You are missing the point . Totally .

No I'm not. I agree it's patronising but I was specifically responding to the person who said it wasn't "better" than being ghosted and I was explaining why I think that being ghosted is worse behaviour.

@FourLeggedBuckers

You don’t get to decide that I have an issue with this text for spurious reasons of your own fabrication.

What you are talking about is my opinion, and yes I do get to decide my own opinion! LOL.

Nerurio · 11/01/2024 14:09

SirQuintusAureliusMaximus · 11/01/2024 12:23

And raise your standards - this really isn’t “better” than being ghosted, it’s just a different variety of shit.

This is nonsense. The OP and everyone else spouting these lines seem overly riled about the fact a man does not want to date a parent carer. This is his choice.

If you are a parent carer you may not like it as it is too close to home, any more than if you are divorced parent, being told by a man that he does not want to date a divorcee with children or if you are unfit and hate exercise, being told that a man wants to date a very active person he can go running with. This is life though.

Being ghosted is very rude for three main reasons. One is that it is just plain discourteous to end contact with someone you have been engaging with on an intimate level whatever stage it has got to. The second is - this is the important one - is that a ghoster knows it is likely to cause a lot of mental angst in the ghostee - because human nature hates uncertainty and the mind will mentally gnaw obsessively on what the reason was for the sudden change from interested dater to radio silence. The third is that it is cowardly and dishonest.

So actually being told directly (however badly worded and however patronising) that someone does not what to date you for compatibility reasons and roughly what those reasons are, is "better" than being ghosted because it is politer actually to make the position clear, it provides certainty to the recipient and avoids the mental picking apart anguish and it is honest and direct.

Of course it is "shit" to be rejected ESPECIALLY for something about yourself that you can't change. The more so where it is worded badly in a patronising way. But that unfortunately is part of dating and life. Rejection for trivial or important reasons that matter to other people that may not matter to you is how the world turns.

Top tip: if you are ever in this situation yourself, the simple answer is to say as a reason there's no chemistry for you. It's a reason, it's simple and understandable, it's not as offensive as the real reason and you can't argue with it.

The parent carer part isn't the main issue for me, as someone whose standards aren't "at least he may have tried to be nice while talking to me like an upset toddler".
Seeing that as an incompatibility - fine. Why he didn't say it BEFORE they were intimate... hmm.
It's the way in which he speaks to OP. Assuming she will be upset by his "rejection" (when she's on another date anyway) and bringing her looks into it. Is similar done to men? "Listen, you ARE handsome, oh yes you are!"?! In my experience, it's women's looks being mentioned for absolutely no reason 99.9% of the time.
Lucky escape for the OP but no doubt another woman will end up with him.

Nerurio · 11/01/2024 14:11

What you are talking about is my opinion, and yes I do get to decide my own opinion! LOL.

It's more of an incorrect assumption. Which is fine. However posters have confirmed the parent carer part isn't their main concern (if it is one at all).

salsmum · 11/01/2024 14:36

His loss! As a carer who's met many other carers they are some of the nicest, happy go lucky, resilient fun people I've ever met!

Sunnysideup999 · 11/01/2024 15:01

FourLeggedBuckers · 11/01/2024 12:00

Well this thread certainly explains why there are so many people on mumsnet who have sleepwalked into relationships with manipulative and misogynistic men.

Red flags - please learn to spot them and read between the lines. And raise your standards - this really isn’t “better” than being ghosted, it’s just a different variety of shit.

It’s not about whether he wants to be in a relationship with the OP, or not, it’s about how he thinks about and communicates with women. Read that text again and ask yourself if there is any respect for the OP in what he’s said. He talks to her like she’s an insecure little child who needs his reassurance that she’s valid. That is not ok.

And I’d say sharing this text online is a worthwhile act if it influences just one person in how they interpret male behaviour and communication.

I think he IS showing respect for OP though.
He is communicating (in a straightforward way) why a relationship won’t work for him. And his reasons are truthful and thought through (albeit it may be hard to hear).
It is better (and less toxic) than ghosting (which by the sounds of it OP was planning on doing), or stringing along, or making up some other excuse which isn’t the truth.

In a world where there is so much double speak, mixed messaging and toxic avoidance - its really not ‘awful’ when someone expresses truthfully how they feel and tries to do that in a way that is trying to be considerate. You could take it as patronising, or you could take it as meant in good spirit and wish them well.

Manopadmanaban · 11/01/2024 15:05

This man sounds patronising and ridiculous but everyone thinks it's normal behaviour! No wonder women get treated like shit.

neverbeenskiing · 11/01/2024 15:13

So basically he is saying that he doesn’t want to date OP only because her child has disability, otherwise she’s great.

But apparently OP should be grateful he didn't just ghost her. The bar is set so depressingly low for men. Interesting that he only came to the conclusion her caring role was a deal-breaker after having sex with her.

Jingleballs2 · 11/01/2024 15:16

I think it's fine, some people would want to know why they didn't want a second date. Better than just disappearing. Not everyone is just looking for a shag

SamW98 · 11/01/2024 15:17

It’s a shit text and marginally better than ghosting because she knows he’s not interested but as she was on another date anyway it doesn’t seem she was bothered about him either.

Why not just roll her eyes, mutter ‘twat’ delete, block and forget about him rather than saving the message to laugh with her mates and posting it online for random strangers to comment on?

Seems a lot of drama over a crappy text message from a rubbish bloke she wasn’t interested in.

MorrisZapp · 11/01/2024 15:18

Let's hear it then. When a man doesn't want to meet up with a woman again but doesn't want to ghost, what should he say?

Original poster

londonisnotme · 11/01/2024 15:27

MorrisZapp · 11/01/2024 15:18

Let's hear it then. When a man doesn't want to meet up with a woman again but doesn't want to ghost, what should he say?

This has already been said, more than once

OP posts:

AliceOlive · 11/01/2024 15:34

MorrisZapp · 11/01/2024 15:18

Let's hear it then. When a man doesn't want to meet up with a woman again but doesn't want to ghost, what should he say?

How about “It was lovely to meet you but I don’t think we have long term potential. All the best.”