Argh, look at this awful text from a date!

[londonisnotme]

AIBU to think it's just bloody awful?

'Hi L! How are you? Sorry I haven't replied , busy few days in the office. Listen, I really enjoyed our time together but I think your caring roles are a different world to mine. It just doesn't seem right for me to, and I thought you needed to know. You ARE beautiful (yes you are!) , but I can't get past this. I needed you to know so you knew why sometimes it won't work , but I'm sure there's a very nice guy out there just for you 😌'

I go from thinking it's cringe, to patronising. To maybe making for of me?!

For context, went on a few dates. Kissed and asked to have sex. I did. I wanted to. Wasn't very good but we move

He's then text this. Whilst I'm on a date with someone else Saturday night

I still haven't deleted the text so me and a few friends can have a laugh.

I dont see anything wrong with his message?

How would you feel to be on the receiving end of it?

**
I don't see why I would care what someone I have no established relationship of any kind thinks”

You clearly do though, seems to have really riled you?
It wasn’t right, he said so, bit clumsy sure but not nasty. Forget about it and move on.

Maybe the sex didn't meet his expectations, as he was keen up to then. He's allowed to act on that. I think he was trying to be kind.

It's a bit patronising but I'm really not a fan of putting other people's texts all over the internet so other people can laugh at them. It's just nasty.

You were dating someone else anyway so obviously wasn’t that bothered about him so why be concerned about his clumsy message?

I agree. It comes across as petty and spiteful. Especially as OP has said are was on another date anyway .

Best thing would just be delete and move on not try and ridicule him on a forum.

I've seen a lot worse!

I would be absolutely fine.

I’d appreciate his honest and that he’s tried to be nice, even if it’s clumsily worded.

There is no easy way to dump someone/tell them you’re not interested in pursuing anything else with them.

That's possible of course. And that would be perfectly OK.

This! If my friend showed me this to laugh at I'd tell them they were being weird and nasty.

I'd appreciate the honesty. I'm not reading any tone of malice in it.

Well this thread certainly explains why there are so many people on mumsnet who have sleepwalked into relationships with manipulative and misogynistic men.

Red flags - please learn to spot them and read between the lines. And raise your standards - this really isn’t “better” than being ghosted, it’s just a different variety of shit.

It’s not about whether he wants to be in a relationship with the OP, or not, it’s about how he thinks about and communicates with women. Read that text again and ask yourself if there is any respect for the OP in what he’s said. He talks to her like she’s an insecure little child who needs his reassurance that she’s valid. That is not ok.

And I’d say sharing this text online is a worthwhile act if it influences just one person in how they interpret male behaviour and communication.

I wonder what op wrote before

This would be ok with me if not for the fact that you'd had sex.

Obviously I don’t know what the OP wrote in any previous communication, but unless you’re suggesting she’s lying, she didn’t say, do or write anything to provoke the “you ARE beautiful (yes you are!)” comment, or the tone of the message.

If he thought that you weren't compatible then he shouldn'tve bumped and dumped you.

I'd like to be called beautiful sometimes though.

I am sure you are not too bothered but anyone who starts a sentence with "Listen" needs to be chucked right back.. ugh

I know what a parent carer is. I am one. Child with sen. Either he doesn’t like that you don’t work. Or he doesn’t see your life fitting into his. He tried to be polite. It backfired didn’t it.

I don't see anything wrong with this, he's realised it won't work and is being upfront and honest about that.

And raise your standards - this really isn’t “better” than being ghosted, it’s just a different variety of shit.

This is nonsense. The OP and everyone else spouting these lines seem overly riled about the fact a man does not want to date a parent carer. This is his choice.

If you are a parent carer you may not like it as it is too close to home, any more than if you are divorced parent, being told by a man that he does not want to date a divorcee with children or if you are unfit and hate exercise, being told that a man wants to date a very active person he can go running with. This is life though.

Being ghosted is very rude for three main reasons. One is that it is just plain discourteous to end contact with someone you have been engaging with on an intimate level whatever stage it has got to. The second is - this is the important one - is that a ghoster knows it is likely to cause a lot of mental angst in the ghostee - because human nature hates uncertainty and the mind will mentally gnaw obsessively on what the reason was for the sudden change from interested dater to radio silence. The third is that it is cowardly and dishonest.

So actually being told directly (however badly worded and however patronising) that someone does not what to date you for compatibility reasons and roughly what those reasons are, is "better" than being ghosted because it is politer actually to make the position clear, it provides certainty to the recipient and avoids the mental picking apart anguish and it is honest and direct.

Of course it is "shit" to be rejected ESPECIALLY for something about yourself that you can't change. The more so where it is worded badly in a patronising way. But that unfortunately is part of dating and life. Rejection for trivial or important reasons that matter to other people that may not matter to you is how the world turns.

Top tip: if you are ever in this situation yourself, the simple answer is to say as a reason there's no chemistry for you. It's a reason, it's simple and understandable, it's not as offensive as the real reason and you can't argue with it.

I think that there is still an outdated idea amongst men that any woman who has sex with them must have fallen in love with them and think it’s a big deal. They can’t really cope with women who genuinely do just see casual sex as casual sex. Total double standards of course.

TBH, nobody knows this chap from Adam, so it's not nasty in that sense, as if he's being outed or anything is it? It's to illustrate a discussion point really.

Just to be clear, @SirQuintusAureliusMaximus I’m not a parent carer and, as I’ve made clear repeatedly on this thread, that isn’t what I have an issue with. You don’t get to decide that I have an issue with this text for spurious reasons of your own fabrication. I’ve been very clear that my issue is with how men - some men - think about and talk to women.

You may think being ghosted is the biggest sin possible in these circumstances - I vehemently disagree. I would take ghosting over this shit any day.

This is nonsense. The OP and everyone else spouting these lines seem overly riled about the fact a man does not want to date a parent carer. This is his choice.

No. As I said, it's perfectly valid and absolutely fine not to want to date someone with caring commitments I probably wouldn't want to if I wasn't a carer etc

What's not fine is the 'Listen' and the 'You're beautiful (yes you are!)'

His reasoning from that text is fine!