Posting here for urgent help, Very long, I need help before I give up

[nhbid]

It’s not my intention to offend anyone so sorry if I word something wrong, I have a 27 year old son, ASD and a multitude of mental health conditions including a personality disorder. His is on medication, but he is exactly the same on meds as he is off them.

He is aggressive, Plays people off against each other, Is a compulsive liar, Can be violent, Sends abusive texts constantly, Has hit me, thrown things at me, threatened to kill me, threatened to burn my home down, Has smashed my windows on my home so much that I had to move, smashed my car up, makes constant threats if he doesn’t get his own way, Blames me for every single little thing that has ever or does ever go wrong in his life, Every single day is another drama which he seems to thrive on and enjoy, Openly tells people he will only know true happiness when I’m dead, Its endless and its every single day of my life. He lives alone, We do not live together.

He loves to cause rifts between the (extended) family then when everything blows up will act all confused and ask why everyone has fallen out with him and why his family can’t just get along. Literally his favourite thing to say is ‘Can’t we all just get along now?’

He enjoys doing things like posting a note through my door at 3am telling me once he gets home he is going to kill himself, he will be dead by the time I read that note and its my fault he is dead, Woke up read that and called an ambulance, When they got there he was playing xbox and told them I fell for it again..

The latest thing he is doing is making up allegations about me, not small things, life changing things, Not only that but he is actually going to to police reporting me and in the last month alone I have had the police to my home asking various questions etc, To give an example he told the police I was trying to kill him by poisoning his food or drinks, I explained he has always been like that with food/drinks, all of his life and will not accept anything from anyone unless its sealed/unopened. He told them I had been taking significant sums of my grandparents money (total lie) Five different allegations so far. The most serious is he started telling people his dad used to touch him when he was a kid, then the same day once everyone knew he said he made it up because he enjoys seeing me hurt and he enjoys the distruction he is causing me. His words.

Two weeks ago he showed up at my home and told me he was going to kill me, I was doing a video with my phone in my pocket and caught him saying that so he was arrested (again) and is now on bail, I was recording because the last time he showed up he smashed my window so I wanted some proof if it happened again. An hour after being released on bail he was banging at my door wanting to be let in.

He then called me last night, I answered and he started screaming at me that I was dead to him, he fucking hates me, wishes I was dead and I’m an evil cunt for what I have done to him, This morning I woke up to a text saying he was sorry that he’s just stressed out, can't we not just get along? then this afternoon called me an evil twisted cunt again. He’s ok for ten minutes then it all starts again.

On top of all of the above he has done nothing but talk of the MI5 following him, children on his street being spies, cars deliberately shining their lights into his windows at night, taxi drivers are all working with the police feeding them information, gangs of people following him, he has had his neighbour arrested for something he didn’t do, and recently shouted in his neighbours face for driving his car out of his own driveway.

There is NOTHING normal in my life and nothing to look forward to, Anything good is shat on or ruined by him instantly. I have had one holiday in ten years, First hour I arrived there he called me to say he was going to kill himself because I was a bitch of a mother that has abandoned him.

Changed my number a few times but he just gets it from other people, Blocked him many times but he just gets a new number or just shows up at my home, If I tell him I want nothing to do with him until he gets help with his mental health he just forces himself back into my life and nothing ever changes or gets better.

His mental health team are aware of all of the above and NEVER get back to me, if I go to speak in person they are always out of home visits, He has been arrested many times and nothing changes.

What can I do to get out of this infinite loop? I woke up today and all I could think was I would be better off dead as there is no way out of all this. This has been going on every single day since he was 13. I'm waking up being sick, I don't feel well myself at all, Every day starts with doom and gloom and drama and I just know today will be the same as tomorrow and the day after and the day after.

I really need help but feel there is none? Apart from changing my identity and moving to the moon I’m unsure if any of this is ever going to change or get better? If I ask for advice from anyone i know nobody knows what to advise because who would really unless they are going through it themselves?

Do you know where to start in terms of moving away? Has this thread been helpful with that or can we offer any further advice?

Tell me you have absolutely zero understanding of serious MH disorders without telling me...

@nhbid would you mind answering my earlier Q of how long your son’s last section lasted?

You are in an abusive relationship.
you need to ring a domestic violence charity or women’s aid and learn how you can safely extricate yourself from your son’s life.

My DSD is like this and I have cut ties but do live in fear of how she’ll up the anti in the future but it sounds like a very similar set of behaviours.

If I were you, I’d summon the strength to emigrate and start a new untraceable life well away from your son.

You are so exhausted and worn down by years of abuse and he knows this. You’re torment is just entertainment for him and the only way he can feel anything.

What would someone who really loved you tell you to do? What would they want for you?
You need to do this for yourself to send a message to your self that you’re worth protecting.

Life is to be enjoyed, not endured.

Good luck.

That was very rude, unnecessary and quite wrong. In fact I have specialist knowledge of mental illness. No need to be a prat because I pointed out you were wrong.

I echo those that say You need to just up sticks and leave and not tell anyone and make a fresh start.
You won’t need to do the unthinkable you’ll end up being unalived through stress. (Morbid and a shocking thing to say but nonetheless true)
Theres only so much any human being can take op. It’s not like you’ve not tried and not given it or your all is it. 💐

You have tried your best OP. This is way bigger than you can cope with and it’s not your fault. You need to move away and make a clean break for your own sanity and safety.

Who is giving him your number and why? I lies he tells to family, why do they believe it if they know what he's like?

For the simple reason that they'd rather he was bothering the OP than them - also as the OP has said, some of them trot out the 'but he's your son....' comment (probably with fake concern on their faces). Very easy to say, when someone else is having to deal with it.

Sounds like you need to figure out long term solutions for yourself.

Do you have security OP?
Ring doorbell, house alarm, cctv in and out?

If you don't, I think you should get some.

Do you have a restraining order? If not get one. Block his number.

Then change your number. Move house. Tell NO ONE you are planning to move and tell no one your forwarding address or new number when they change. No one. People can message you via email or fb messenger etc. People can visit you in a public place. etc.

It must be so so hard, he's your child. But he is also a highly dangerous to you, and highly abusive grown man. He is a danger to you and it sounds like he is also a danger to himself.

It is time to put your health and safety first, if you don't you will end up at best in poor physical and mental health from the constant threats and abuse, or at worse, dead.

Can you afford to go away for a week? Or even a few days? If you can I really think you should. Don't tell anyone where you are going, and turn your phone off for the duration. You need a full break from this so you can remember what life was like before you lived like this.

I am posting as an adult with autism and the mum of an adult child with autism.
So I understand the parent carer guilt, but I also understand being someone on the spectrum that struggles with their mental health, and there abuse happening here. His conditions and mental health conditions are not an excuse for how he is treating you.

Also - contact women's aid. They can give you help, support and signpost you etc. You need help and it sounds like you're not getting it in real life.

I'm so sorry OP, what an awful situation you're in.

Who is it that's trying this guilt-tripping on you? I suggest they either step up and get involved themselves - and experience the actual reality of his illness - or they shut the hell up!

You have clearly given him absolutely everything you possibly can. You have done all the right things, but you are at the point now where you must protect yourself. You are no use to him, or anyone else, dead.

He has had a section 2 and a section 3, i know they let him out early the last time as he seemed to be doing better but it all started again when he got out.

I can see there is so much naivety from many posters here who seem to think that sectioning is a) easy b) the answer and that psychiatric units and 'residential care' is on offer and that if only he would be medicated it would all be well

Has no one ever heard of the disaster that is 'care in the community'?

Ill people dont remember or prioritise or see the point of medication, services dont respond, services close when the person appears well enough, services close when the client doesnt engage or comply, services dont link up and communicate, services have workers off sick or on leave and no one standing in, services dont transfer across districts or counties and dont match the district and county boundaries of other agencies, services all work to different and ever changing criteria.

OP you need to move away

That sounds absolutely horrific. It also sounds like the right agencies are involved and he's too old for you to organise supported living. I honestly don't know what I would do. As an outsider it's easy for me to say change your name, change your number and move far, far away, but I'm not you and he's not my son. Heartbreaking.

This. You’ve tried, and tried and tried. He’s 27 and you didn’t cause this, you can’t control it and you can’t change it. What you can control and change is the effect it’s having on you, by cutting contact and getting away.

Exactly this! You are spot on.

I have been trying to get him sectioned for two years now..
He doesn't view himself as ill in any way and if I tell him hes suffering parnoia and not talking right he will tell me I'm gaslighting him into thinking he's ill.

Bloody hell 😳 sounds like a living nightmare horror ordeal.!

Definitely turn to womens Aid charity for emotional and practical support women's Refuge,

Also think 🤔 turning to something spiritual like church ect too..

Exactly this! You are spot on.

Also forgot to say he was offered a move into an assisted living type place and he aggreed to it then when it was all organised he pulled out and said we were all forcing him into a 'prison' and he would kill himself.

OP, as said by others before, report him to the police every single time.

Also, with the level of harassment you are experiencing, have the police mentioned making a safeguarding referral for you, as they should do. Your son may have mental health problems and therefore, classed as vulnerable, but you are just as important and deserving of safety and to be free from harm. So insist that they safeguard you.

I had problems with my adult son, as well. He has ASD and psychosis. The third time he pinned me to floor and dragged me down the stairs, I went to the police. Eventually he was sectioned, and I didn't have him back home. He's bounced between being in supported housing, and being sectioned again when he stops taking his medication. He's currently on his latest section. However, he's in the system. He doesn't like it, but I'm glad he is.

You shouldn't have to change your name and go into hiding. The authorities should be safeguarding you and putting a stop to his behaviour towards you, by whatever means necessary. So contact the police, again, social services, your MP and the services people have mentioned here. Also, there are some solicitors that offer an initial free hour of advice.

You deserve better than this. No one would expect a stranger to get away with such persistent and targeted actions against you not end up in court and prison. So any family and friends, saying, but he's your son, forgive him', need to look at what's happening to you for what it is. He is terrorising you and will not stop until he is locked up either in prison or on a ward.

Oh boy, it's so, so difficult. Time to focus on you now OP, your life matters too.

He sounds horrendous.....but the saddest thing is he's also being badly let down. 20 years ago he'd have been sectioned against his will, now people like your son are just left. And the sad reality is they are a danger to you and the general public.

If I were you I'd move.......but I'd also sbe kicking up a massive fuss via the media on the reality of how mental health patients are being let down and the danger this places on their family and carers. Fucking sad, heartbreaking situation all round. I really feel for you.

Sending you a hug and a hand hold. You need to get away. Change your address, contact number etc and have total break. Your son needs help but at present he making your life hell and your life matters. For your safety you need to leave. Report everything to the police. Please x