Posting here for urgent help, Very long, I need help before I give up

[nhbid]

It’s not my intention to offend anyone so sorry if I word something wrong, I have a 27 year old son, ASD and a multitude of mental health conditions including a personality disorder. His is on medication, but he is exactly the same on meds as he is off them.

He is aggressive, Plays people off against each other, Is a compulsive liar, Can be violent, Sends abusive texts constantly, Has hit me, thrown things at me, threatened to kill me, threatened to burn my home down, Has smashed my windows on my home so much that I had to move, smashed my car up, makes constant threats if he doesn’t get his own way, Blames me for every single little thing that has ever or does ever go wrong in his life, Every single day is another drama which he seems to thrive on and enjoy, Openly tells people he will only know true happiness when I’m dead, Its endless and its every single day of my life. He lives alone, We do not live together.

He loves to cause rifts between the (extended) family then when everything blows up will act all confused and ask why everyone has fallen out with him and why his family can’t just get along. Literally his favourite thing to say is ‘Can’t we all just get along now?’

He enjoys doing things like posting a note through my door at 3am telling me once he gets home he is going to kill himself, he will be dead by the time I read that note and its my fault he is dead, Woke up read that and called an ambulance, When they got there he was playing xbox and told them I fell for it again..

The latest thing he is doing is making up allegations about me, not small things, life changing things, Not only that but he is actually going to to police reporting me and in the last month alone I have had the police to my home asking various questions etc, To give an example he told the police I was trying to kill him by poisoning his food or drinks, I explained he has always been like that with food/drinks, all of his life and will not accept anything from anyone unless its sealed/unopened. He told them I had been taking significant sums of my grandparents money (total lie) Five different allegations so far. The most serious is he started telling people his dad used to touch him when he was a kid, then the same day once everyone knew he said he made it up because he enjoys seeing me hurt and he enjoys the distruction he is causing me. His words.

Two weeks ago he showed up at my home and told me he was going to kill me, I was doing a video with my phone in my pocket and caught him saying that so he was arrested (again) and is now on bail, I was recording because the last time he showed up he smashed my window so I wanted some proof if it happened again. An hour after being released on bail he was banging at my door wanting to be let in.

He then called me last night, I answered and he started screaming at me that I was dead to him, he fucking hates me, wishes I was dead and I’m an evil cunt for what I have done to him, This morning I woke up to a text saying he was sorry that he’s just stressed out, can't we not just get along? then this afternoon called me an evil twisted cunt again. He’s ok for ten minutes then it all starts again.

On top of all of the above he has done nothing but talk of the MI5 following him, children on his street being spies, cars deliberately shining their lights into his windows at night, taxi drivers are all working with the police feeding them information, gangs of people following him, he has had his neighbour arrested for something he didn’t do, and recently shouted in his neighbours face for driving his car out of his own driveway.

There is NOTHING normal in my life and nothing to look forward to, Anything good is shat on or ruined by him instantly. I have had one holiday in ten years, First hour I arrived there he called me to say he was going to kill himself because I was a bitch of a mother that has abandoned him.

Changed my number a few times but he just gets it from other people, Blocked him many times but he just gets a new number or just shows up at my home, If I tell him I want nothing to do with him until he gets help with his mental health he just forces himself back into my life and nothing ever changes or gets better.

His mental health team are aware of all of the above and NEVER get back to me, if I go to speak in person they are always out of home visits, He has been arrested many times and nothing changes.

What can I do to get out of this infinite loop? I woke up today and all I could think was I would be better off dead as there is no way out of all this. This has been going on every single day since he was 13. I'm waking up being sick, I don't feel well myself at all, Every day starts with doom and gloom and drama and I just know today will be the same as tomorrow and the day after and the day after.

I really need help but feel there is none? Apart from changing my identity and moving to the moon I’m unsure if any of this is ever going to change or get better? If I ask for advice from anyone i know nobody knows what to advise because who would really unless they are going through it themselves?

Move as far away as you can and never contact him again

I am so sorry OP.

My friend’s son with ASD changed personality at puberty and became violent towards her. He lives in residential accommodation now.

Is there any chance of his being sectioned? Given that his MH and ASD make him a danger to others (you)? Have you spoken to social services / Adult Services as a person living at risk from a family member?

And as for the people who give him your number… who the hell does that?

It must be so distressing OP.

And tragic for him, too, as it sounds as if he can’t help it.

Sorry, never sure how to reply @fatphalange

Have you looked at Getting an injunction out on him? The you call police and he gets arrested if he comes back to your house or anywhere near you. The court will most definitely grant you an order of protection.

He sounds like he is in a serious mental health crisis. He is posing a threat to himself and others and having delusions. Have you considered he may need to be treated as an impatient in a mental health facility?

Im very sorry for both you and your son that you find your lives in such dismay. Poor Mental health is so utterly devastating to sufferers and families and there seems to be little help for the people that need help the most.

Sorry for all you’re going through - I can relate to a lesser but similar extent. Are you able to apply for a restraining order? Are you able to make plans to move without him knowing? I don’t see how else you’re going to escape this intolerable situation. He is clearly mentally extremely unwell but getting someone to take things seriously is easier said than done, especially with personality disorders. I think you should call the police every single time he shows up at your home - tell them you feel threatened. Has he ever been sectioned?

I feel like he should be treated like the 27yo man he is. He needs to take responsibility for his behaviour and with that comes consequences for unlawful and anti social behaviour.

You are being horribly abused and it must stop. The fact that it's your son makes it worse and in no way should be a mitigating factor.

If you genuinely believe you'd be better off dead,and I believe you do, then is it not worth trying to escape? While extreme, it gives you the chance of a good life rather than removing all options.

If this was partner violence you could go to a refuge and they would help you build a safe life. I think if it was me I would ask refuge people for advice on how to escape. I'm so sad for you. I have been through abuse by a son when he was mentally unwell and I had to go to refuge; it was such a hard time but mild by comparison with your situation and also short lived.

I’m so sorry OP. For and for your son.

I understand that you said you feel guilty about getting away from him.

What is clear for us all to see us that you, in your own right, deserve more. You don’t deserve to be psychologically tortured and abused and you don’t deserve to die.

You are an amazing mum and an incredible person. most people would not have been able to cope with everything you have been through.

I’m sure that you would like for him to be better for his own sake, as well as yours and your family’s sake.

I don’t know if this helps to reframe it for you but your life is in immediate danger and you cannot help him if you are dead.

I understand the guilt - I bet he plays on that as well, making it even worse. What helped me was understanding that I am not the right person to care for my adult child, my attempts to support her were only enabling her worst behaviours, and she needed professional support from someone impartial outside of the family. Now no contact and slowly rebuilding my life. You can do this OP. It’s not your fault and you do not deserve this campaign of terror.

I’m so sorry you are going through this , you have done all you can and you need to step away now . Please try women’s aid , he sounds thoroughly manipulative and dangerous . For your own sanity and peace of mind , you need to get away, you don’t deserve this and this is not ok . Sending you a hug and best wishes .

You need to tell the police you are worried he will kill you and speak to them about getting him sectioned.
and you need to move if you can. Sorry you are going through this

Schizophrenia seems to be something which doesn't result from trauma but perhaps chemicals in the brain. Both of the people I knew who had it had thought of voices in their minds tell them to do horrible things. Nothing of his mental illness is your fault. It is heartbreaking. I knew a 21 year old boy and life for his parents was hell. My mum is dead now but when she got schizophrenia, she was like a completely different person. My heart goes out to you.

"Definitely guilt. Rest of the family have pretty much turned their backs on him but if I try to I get guilt tripped with 'Oh but he's your son, you can't just walk away, you can't just abandon him' etc"

@nhbid Who is guilt tripping you like this? Family, friends or professionals? You must push back against the guilt tripping with some of the self-care arguments that have been made for you on this thread. Some posters have articulated the need to look after yourself much better than I can.

Ultimately if he kills you then you won't be there for him. It really could come to that. Taking steps away now on your own terms does not have to mean abandoning him forever.

I have briefly read some people commenting that your son should take responsibility for his actions.. unfortunately schizophrenia seems to compel the sufferers to do bad things. It is why medication is important and also why schizophrenics are sometimes sectioned to protect themselves and others.

Hey I’ve never commented on Mumsnet before just read along - but I couldn’t read and not comment on your post! I’m so sorry you are going through this but I promise there is a way and it can get better.

you are living my mums exact life 7 years ago. The similarities are incredible. I’m so sorry. - any way in the end, after years of abuse at my brothers hands, my mum is now happy and has a good relationship with my brother. It got worse before it got better though. My brother has schizophrenia (and I suspect from your description your son does too ?) mental health team won’t do anything worth while, while you are around. You have to leave move away, it will be hard but better all round in the long run .

My poor mum was forced in the end into a refuge after he set fire to her home. She literally had to flee. But it was the best thing she could have done for both of them. Without her around he unraveled but the police couldn’t just let him out, to go back to her. The mental health team had to step up. He lost his “support network”. They had very little contact for about 3 years , but now she visits him regularly. He isn’t well never will be but she is no longer his victim. Please leave start your life, I’m sure you have been an amazing mum to him but you can’t save him. I begged my mum to move away for years before she was forced. She struggled for a while but she is now thriving and wished she had done it sooner. Lots of love op.

He belongs to a mental hospital. He is a danger to himself and others.

thank you to each and every one of you for taking the time to reply and to try to help me. I'm going to look into moving away because the thought of this for even another week never mind the rest of my life..

They can't pin down his personality disorder or the schizophrenia properly because he very likely has paranoid personality disorder and it sits on the intersection between borderline and schizophrenia. My mother had it. She tried to kill me more than once and I'm not saying that as a hyperbole. They're mistaking the paranoia for schizophrenia and that is why schizophrenia treatments aren't getting him stable.

Unfortunately it's one of those ones that is almost never diagnosed, most clinicians don't know what they're looking at when they see it, so they give out billions of other labels instead. This behaviour is typical of PPD and as they rarely engage with MH services they rarely get meaningful treatment. The only thing you can do with someone with PPD is move away, don't give them any forwarding details, cut them off completely and let them find their own way in life and don't let any well meaning relatives pass on your details.

Once you're not the main villain in their story they eventually stop being antagonized by your existence and they find a way to live. They will, throughout their life, invent other villains, but that's not your problem. You can't get through to someone with PPD and you can't help them. I'm sorry. I know how hard this is.

Agree with others that you need to move, for your own safety. Going 'no contact' and getting a restraining order are obviously going to have absolutely zero effect, and the authorities won't act until you're harmed, by which point it's too late. (God they are useless, it makes me soooo angry). If it was me, I'd consider moving abroad, at least for a spell. Go somewhere far enough that he can't or won't follow. Do also speak to Woman's Aid and see if they can support you at all. Good luck, I wish you all the best.

Tough, frankly. If the rest of the family are so concerned they can put themselves in harms way and deal with him.

You, OP, need to put yourself first and keep yourself safe. Parents should look after their children yes, but they should not set themselves on fire to try and keep them warm. You have done what you can, and put up with more than you should have. Now it is time to walk away.

I think we know that schizophrenia literally disturbs the mind but part of being an adult is taking responsibility ie taking the meds.

OP it is horrendous you have had to dealing with this for so long obviously without the correct support for your DS or it wouldn’t have got to this stage for so long.

He obviously needs to be in a psychiatric unit with long term residential care ongoing. How the threshold hadn’t been met when he’s been threatening to harm you for so long and police are aware is mind boggling.

Your own safety is paramount but as you know your DS also needs someone to fight for him. He’s extremely unwell, has been for a long time and has been totally failed by his MH team.

You need to insist on a emergency meeting with them face to face so they know what’s going on and that you are extremely concerned for your safety with the threats he’s made. Make an immediate complaint to the trust if they don’t take you seriously and tell them that’s what you’ll be doing. Also involve adult social care as an emergency. If he’s got an ASD diagnosis, he would meet the threshold for an assessment.

Also ask for a meeting with the police to reinforce the threat to your safety. Walk into your local police station to tonight or tomorrow.

Email your MP be as a constituent scared for her life due to her son not getting proper care.

Shout loudly for him and for you. Ask them what they are going to do if he carries out his threats. You have to be a complete PITA. Sadly you may not get your lovely son back but I’d have to declare absolutely full scale war before I walked away from him knowing there was absolutely nothing else I could do.

Best of luck.

Jonty Bravery’s family had this scenario. (The Tate pusher.)

He was moved by the council and his DM and younger siblings moved house so he doesn’t ever get to know where they live. He’d threatened then tried murder.

AFAIK police do take threats like your Ds’s fairly seriously. Talk to them. Do not back down.

OP, I'm not sure you do have to move away. You can get a non-molestation / restraining order (I'm not in UK and can't remember what it's called there) and when he violates it (he will) he will be arrested (probably repeatedly). If he breaches bail repeatedly he will get a custodial sentence, and at this point he will be screened and retained in an inpatient unit.

I'm so so sorry you're going through this. I can't imagine how painful it is. I work with some patients like your son and I often wish I could comfort their family members who are carrying the brunt of an illness they have no ability to mitigate. It's heartbreaking. But you are in danger. You're allowed to protect yourself no matter who the threat comes from.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I should be shocked at the way you and your son have been failed, but I'm not. I've seen it too often.

I'm surprised the crisis team haven't been involved in pushing his care team for a proper formulation. Whatever they have in place is clearly not enough. Yes, they're under-resourced, working in a fractured system, have terrible trouble dealing with complex co-morbity etc but it's simply not acceptable.

This is too much for you to deal with on your own, you need support from somewhere.