Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

Surely the sensible answer to relook at the renovation project so that you are not creating a single room?

Why have you decided to do the renovation in this way? It seems to have made a problem where there wasn't one.

Do you need to move the wall, i.e. is it structurally necessary? Really you need to reconsider your plans. If you have to do it, how do you propose to make the decision fairly as to which of the older children gets the good room and which one the bad? The important thing is for you to make sure the decision is fair and that all the children agree to it.

@Onceuponaheartache We need to move the wall otherwise the bathroom doesn’t work for a family of 5. It’s a single shower, toilet and basin… there is no room for a bath or anything else. The only way to make it into a proper family bathroom is by taking some of the bedroom.

Can you not re figure so all 4 bedrooms are doubles?
Definitely not your dd who gets tiny room.
She's a full time occupant and when at secondary school will need a desk and a wardrobe and dressing table.
What about rotating the rooms so each DSC gets the smaller one every other year. Your DH is a coward unreasonable to not man up and tell his DC this is how it will be.

Do you actually need a bath though? No one uses ours so I am considering taking it out!

I think you need to rethink your project.

If you are co-owning equally, then no, I don’t think it is fair that your child is disadvantaged to benefit his.

@Dotjones I’m not sure, which is what I said to DP at the beginning about promising bedrooms. It was always going to end in upset until we knew exactly what the plans were for the house.

I dont think a bath is essential unless small children involved. I think 4 doubles would be better. Ideally a second shower somewhere would be more useful.

However if bath is needed then if course your child gets double room. Difficulty is how to decide which of the other two gets the much smaller room.

I would absolutely forgo a bath if installing one meant reducing a bedroom from a double to a single. I'd imagine that reduction would hugely impact the value of the house. Whereas not having a bath is a very minor thing.

It’s tricky because if they were all there the same amount of time DD would likely be getting the smallest room as she is the youngest. In a few short years the teens most likely won’t be coming as often anyway.

When I was a kid I had the biggest room with my youngest sibling in a box room, but we swapped as soon as I went to uni at 18.

An alternative might be to make the teens share a room and then turn the second double into a kids hangout/playroom
type space that they could all use?

I see so many posts about people buying or renovating their houses into a space that doesn't suit their family needs, then labelling it as a 'step child/ren' issue.

Makes no sense at all. This has jack shit to do with step children and everyone to do with you making plans that do not suit your family set up, step children or otherwise.

@SemperIdem We do co-own equally.

I think the issue is DP has backed himself into a corner by promising bedrooms. It also means there will be a disparity between his two DC, made worse by the fact it will seem they are being usurped by my DD. But it just doesn’t make sense short or long term for my DD to have the smallest room.

Have you actually asked the older kids if they would mind a smaller room?

maybe give a cheeky bribe of a shopping trip for bedding and bedrooms bits etc or something that would really make them see it as a positive for taking the smaller room? You might find that one of time jumps at the chance x

If bath is essential then I like PP's suggestion the 2 older ones share and youngest gets single with the other double being a games/play room for them all.

Depends on family dynamic but might work.

Is there space downstairs for a playroom for your DD?

She could have a drawing desk, bookshelves and all her lego in it.

Alternatively, chuck a shower room on the end of the kitchen and leave the family bathroom as it is.

I would rethink the bathroom. Otherwise i would give the older two the doubles for now as they will be studying more etc. Eventually I would swap the older ones with the younger ones as in 5 years or so they will probably be less likely to say and your 9 year old will be 14 and of the ages their study ramps up.

@sondot The bathroom we currently has is not fit for a house with 4 bedrooms. It’s far too small. It has a single shower, which is very narrow, and barely fits DP in. Then there is a toilet, basin and tiny radiator. Unfortunately it just doesn’t make sense to keep the bathroom as it is, as much as this would solve the bedroom issue.

50:50 is still there quite a lot though, and DD isn’t there 100% of the time.

I think the fairest thing might be some kind of rotation system, as whatever way you look at it there is going to be unfairness.

Alternatively delay your bathroom renovations for a few years till the teens have moved out.

Has he got one boy and one girl?

At 15 and 14 they won't be living there in 3 + 4 years time? as they will be off to university.

I understand that, but you chose this, which is what I am talking about. If the house wasn't suitable; it wasn't suitable.

DPs children are two boys. They have always shared, and really want their own bedrooms… again, DP has promised that they won’t / don’t need to share anymore.

Not all young people go to university so don’t bank on that. Anywhere for a shower room downstairs (combine with utility), en-suite in biggest double?

Well either accept that you will go with what DH has promised, in which case your DD gets the smaller room, or explain to them that there’s going to be an alternative arrangement.

Tbh it sounds to me like you want everyone to say that of course
your DD should get a double but personally I don’t think that’s automatically the right answer. The teens are going to be doing life changing exams soon and will need adequate space to study. They are also more likely to have friends round who will want to hang out in their rooms.

By the time your DD is their age they will have moved out so she can also have a bigger room at that point.