Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

Or as others have said, do away with the bath and big shower - if you are expecting other family members to cope with less space then why can't you? Do the bathroom up when they've left home.

We never use a bath took it out for a shower
I think your creating problems that don't exist
Leave everything be , problem solved

I would let the teens have the big rooms on the understanding that they have to swap rooms when they leave home. At 9 does your DD really spend a lot of time in her room? Can’t you have all her toys and drawing stuff downstairs? Or maybe get her an exciting built in high sleeper bed with room under it for her things? My Youngest 2 share a room while teen DSD (here 50%) has her own as she spends more time in her room.

If your daughter spends more time at this house then she is entitled to a bigger room. Your DP should not have got ahead of himself, he will need to explain this to his sons

I'd let the boys have the big rooms, daughter gets the small room and space elsewhere in the house to build legos and draw etc (and also get the high-bed/wardrobe/desk combo in there now too)

When older boy is 18 he gets to swap with DD.

but i still say: no bath and build a 2nd toilet.

So many suggestions for alternatives to carving off space to keep all rooms as doubles.

Have you read all of the comments op?

Your Dh fucked up and it is not your job to fix it. Your dd gets a double room and he works out what he tells his dc- you warned him, he does NOT get to put this on you. He does not get to say as a 50% owner that both of his boys who are there half the time take precedence over your dd who is there most of the time, does he think he’s in charge? All this ‘talk to an architect’ etc advice - that’s on the Dh. His boys won’t be sharing a room anymore so that’s still a win, maybe he should ask them what the best way of allocating a double and a single is. Is it priority access to living room? Is it alternating year on year?

What about asking them to share the biggest double, but then turn the single into some sort of gaming room for them? That way your DD gets a decent sized room & they have somewhere to have their own space or game together without either feeling singled out for the small room. A nicely kitted out space might soften the blow too!

Do either of his children play computer games? And would a gaming bed fit into the room? Something like this could make it a more attractive prospect:

https://www.bedkingdom.co.uk/recoil-shuttle-high-sleeper-small-double-black.html?fo_c=264&fo_k=20341af8d84aba1a9870eceb714f76d3&fo_s=gplauk&cq_src=google_ads&cq_cmp=19194546616&cq_term=&cq_plac=&cq_net=x&cq_plt=gp&gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQiAnfmsBhDfARIsAM7MKi1zjr5bD0drvewFCvFYGodDDgecZe9HRVNFMjlA01NoL0DI-zRAKMQaAvlBEALw_wcB

Op, maybe sit down with all the children and have an open discussion about the rooms, and what they feel they need space for, as you might be surprised at who may be willing to compromise. I had a similar issue with my children about who would get the box room or the large room when we 1st moved to our current 3 bed home. At the time my DD was 6 and my DS was 13. I assumed that my DS would expect the bigger room as he was older. So, he surprised me when he said "nah I don't need the big room, I just need a bed, maybe a wardrobe and space for my tv/playstation, but she needs space to play with her toys". So in the end I didn't have to make the decision

If the kids are there 50/50 it’s not at all fair to think of them as second class house inhavitants. If both households think that way, then where is their home???

Boys are older and need more space and will be moving out by the time your DD needs more room.

If you end up letting the boys have the bigger rooms, I think you need to establish an end point from the outset. If they are likely to be off to university, then at that point, your daughter swaps with the eldest. If that isn't agreed very clearly now, then you're going to be into another battle then.

Cabin bed for your dd you get some really clever space saving ones now

At that age, bathrooms are a one person at a time sort of situation. Your kids are old enough that they don’t need bathing in a family bathroom and it seems you’re creating an issue you could avoid. I’d keep the double bedrooms and small bathroom.

And yes when the eldest stops staying 50 /50 single be made into guest room including his use

Whoever is there the most gets the choice if bedroom. Otherwise it’s just stupid.

I would go with the small bedroom now for your DD on the understanding that the oldest will have that room when they leave home and aren't there 50/50. They can negotiate with the second over the small room when the second one leaves home and finally with your DD in 9 years' time.

Your DD gets a double bedroom and the two boys rotate.

Quite simply as above . Your dh has to treat your dd as equal in her own home to his ds. He screwed up and has to deal with it. Most definitely get another toilet.

Not only is your DP prioritising his own children over yours, he's also prioritising males over females, when the female's need is greater because she is in the house nearly all the time.

Please advocate for your dd, OP.

Only one bathroom for a 4 bedroom house? That's crazy in itself to be honest. I'd revisit that, especially as you're renovating, put in another shower room in one of the double bedrooms.

Speak to the teens, they may not care that much as long as they each get their own rooms. Your DH created this mess, your DD shouldn't suffer because he couldn't keep his mouth shut.

Tell dh the fairest solution, as he has already promised the boys a double room each, is to give dd the remaining double room. He gets to share a bunk bed with you in the single.😁

(Our 9yo is in a mid-sleeper, and we are planning on a high sleeper with a desk under when she is a teen. We have four bedrooms and she's in the small one but DS bedroom is not much bigger and the fourth room is a study/guest room because a double futon wouldn't fit in her bedroom. Unfortunately DS is not likely to move out permanently at 18 as he has SEN but he IS likely to go to residential for some of his time left at school so we could revisit then.)

(And as far as the bathrooms go - put at least an extra loo downstairs).

Sounds like you've made up your mind so why bother asking