Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

Be careful that your DH doesn’t frame you as the bad guy to his boys.

I’d give the older kids the big rooms with the stated plan being that at 18 the oldest child is going to swap rooms with the youngest.

Then your DD will have a big room to expand into as a teenager.

I am just wondering if it could be worth seeing if your step children could share a double bedroom on the promise of turning the smaller bedroom into a gamer den/ lad pad room

I don't have SC, but I think if you want them to believe they are all equals, then you have to treat them as equals.
50% is a lot of time.
I quite liked the offer of triple pocket money 😂 (one of them might go for that )as an initial offer, if not then it has to random and fair. Actually I'd do whoever gets the room get extra as a sweetener regardless.

Honestly this is screaming go back to the drawing board and get a better solution for a bigger or extra washing/toileting space.

Best would be to revamp small room as it is (so many clever solutions nowadays) keep all the bedrooms the size they are (direct link to value) and add a shower/loo elsewhere.

We are a family of 4 with only one loo - in the family bathroom and it's the only thing I hate about my home. I wish we had a second loo.

Do you already have 2 loos? If you don't really, go back to the drawing board and find another solution.

Another alternative is to give the biggest double (normally yours) to the two boys and find clever ways of giving them private space.

DD gets next biggest room, you and DH share the smallest double (after all you have the whole house and a garden office) and the smallest room is a teen zone/playroom.

This is not a child problem this is an adult not thinking ahead problem. You and your DH!

DP was wrong to promise larger bedrooms from plans anyway given your DD is there most. Even if they all remained doubles. It seems his DC needs trump yours and he is trying to be Disney Dad.

Ridiculous for people who are only there half the time to get the 2 biggest rooms. Outrageous actually. The DSs obviously don't keep ALL their stuff at your house and have 2 rooms EACH, one in each house, while your DC's stuff IS probably mostly at your house but she gets much less space. No.

It’s definitely not a case of me just favouring my own DD or being unwilling to compromise. My DD was always having the smallest room, without even discussion to be honest, it was DP who just started promising bedrooms. This was fine when we had 3 doubles to split between the children, DDs original room was big enough. However,
my thoughts have now changed as the smallest of the doubles will now have a sizeable chunk taken from it to do a family bathroom (which is a necessity).

Am I missing something .... you say they've been grumbling about sharing and want their own rooms - but they WILL be getting their own rooms, just that one would be a single. Surely they'll be so pleased to finally have their own rooms that they won't mind drawing straws for the larger one and/or rotating annually?

Get an en suite in the biggest double and keep it for yourselves.

Divide the next biggest double into 2 singles.

Give the kids the option of either 2 boys have a single each and share a single as a games room and girl gets the double as her bed and play room, or they get a single each and all share the double playroom.

He's being a total twat but please don't settle for the mess he has created. Your DD only has your to advocate for her. He should be ashamed of how grabby he's been, especially as he has two boys so close in age.

FWIW I'd put DD in the smallest double and get the boys to toss a coin for their rooms.

The issue here is reducing the size of the 4th bedroom - if the older kids were only there every other weekend I would be more inclinded to agree one should have smaller room - but with being 50/50 I think this changes things.
Dh shouldn't have promised them the bigger rooms, but then you have also assumed that your DC is getting a bigger room too. Drawings straws is a possible solution, after explaining the situation or offering an incentive for someone to take the smaller room.
Personally, I wouldn't reduce the size of the room at this point and look for an alternative solution there.

Lots of people on here, including the OP, are acting like the stepchildren are barely there. This is their home 50% of the time. They don't "visit" or have a main home elsewhere. There's no reason to think they will come less before they move out. This stuff is why 50/50 is difficult as it can make kids feel like they don't have a home at all.

OP, you need to have an open discussion with all three children. Your DH shouldn't have promised them doubles. They should get to choose to share with a separate gaming room, or decide which gets the smaller room. Your DD doesn't get automatic right to a big room: she should also be part of the discussion.

this option would mean no one is being treated differently, they are all getting a bedroom and a playroom / games pit and they all have their own space.

The older in the single, the youngers in the 2 doubles and you and your husband in another double.
That is the way I would do it.

I have one DC who WFH and one DC who is a teen and still at school.
We thought they could share a desk. Believe me, this plan doesn't work.

Teens want to work in school holidays when adults are still working. At sixth form level they don't go in for whole days and they want to work at home during the day. They may go to a sixth form that only requires them on site 2 days a week. They want to leave their stuff spread out over the desk and not have to tidy it up every night. They want their IT equipment where they want it and not where someone else prefers it. They want to stick history timelines and zillions of post it notes on the wall (surely my DD is not the only one). They want to study when they want to - which might be at 3.30pm when they get in from school (when a WFH person is still working). That's before you even get into bad weather and cold and darkness making a garden office not very appealing in the evening. Are you happy to pay to heat the garden office constantly in the winter, or will they be freezing in there?

Teens also want to invite friends round. Do you have a downstairs space they can take over, if their bedroom is too small?

Take turns choosing rooms for your kids. You can be generous letting DP choose first 😁

I would suggest either:

a) DD has one double, boys share other double, single is used as a gaming/TV room;

or

b) DD has one double, boys have the other double and the single on a turn-and-turn-about or toss-of-a-coin basis.

you're putting a bath in? you don't need it. Sacrifice the bath (and water bills) for the sake of your daughter

As a practical suggestion, I have a DC with a big room and a DC with a small room. We "compensate" by letting the smaller room DC have priority access to a downstairs space (i.e. it's mostly hers unless we have lots of guests or something) which she uses for studying in and entertaining friends. Is this an option for you?

Her bedroom is mostly for sleeping and storing her clothes. She has a hanging rail as her room is too small even for a single wardrobe, so I'm struggling to understand why your DC needs a double wardrobe.

As others have said, post a floor plan of the whole house and let's see if there's a better way to reconfigure it. Or ask an architect.

Sorry, but how many of you need to be in the bathroom at a time?

It sounds like your daughter needs a double more than you all need a spacious luxurious bathroom when you already have a perfectly functional shower room.

I think you need to reframe your thinking. The boys wouldn't be getting anything your daughter doesn't get. By the time she's their age, she'll be in one of the big rooms just like them. At her age, they shared. They already have the short straw having to move homes every week. I get that you want the best for your daughter, understandably, but you can't do that at the expense of the other children. This is a situation of your making, it's not a stepchild problem.

Growing up, I always had the smallest room in the house but honestly preferred it. It just seemed cosier.

If you go to Pinterest and look at ideas for small rooms there are some incredibly genius ways to design a small room. It is amazing where storage spaces can be fitted.

Maybe it is a case of your daughter having the smaller room, because I understand the need for older teens, for many reasons, to have more space. Perhaps more can be taken from your budget to make your daughter's bedroom special and fit her needs.

These are just a few I found, that might give you some inspiration.

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/103160647705666662/

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/103160647705667163/

https://www.pinterest.co.uk/pin/103160647705689288/

YANBU. DH has been a dick.

DD gets a double room. The boys can choose between sharing and having the single as a den/gaming/homework room, or they have a double/single and swap every six months.