Another stepchildren & bedrooms one…

[ProbablyAmy]

DH and I have 3 children between us, aged 15, 14 (his) and 9 (mine).

My 9 year old DD is with us full time, except every other weekend when she stays with her dad. DPs children stay with us 50/50.

We have moved into a house that needs extensive renovations. Originally the house had 4 double rooms, but because we now need to move a wall, it will be 3 doubles and one single. DP had already promised his children the bigger rooms (except ours) and I didn’t mind so much because my DD still had a double room with enough space for her things. I did warn him though that we shouldn’t be promising bedrooms until the renovations got under way.

However, now that one of the rooms is a single, it will not comfortably fit DD. She will need a single bed (fine), but then a single wardrobe, no room for a chest of drawers or desk. She has lots of books, soft toys, Lego and loves to draw, there will be no room to do any of this comfortably in her bedroom. My argument is that one of the teenagers should have the single room as:

• they are only here half the time.
• they don’t have as much stuff as DD.

DP is resistant as his argument is that DD had a much smaller room at my old house (this is true, but she still had toddler furniture which was unsuitable and I would’ve had to move soon!) He’s also backed himself into a corner with his teens and feels they will be annoyed because he’s already promised them larger rooms. He even said if I was suggesting swapping rooms that I should be the one to break it to the teens!

FWIW, I would feel the same if it was the other way round and DPs children were here full time and mine only here 50/50.

With 4 bedrooms, it’s highly likely the largest would accommodate an en-suite. Even if not a full one, you could add a shower in your room.

It really is all about him op. Him needing a bath / bigger shower. If you have financed 50/50, you should have as near as damn 50% of the space.

as others have said, show the floor plans. Some of us have renovated a few house and can help.

If your DD is there full time and all her stuff is everywhere, yes she should have one of the bigger rooms. The boys can share, or one gets a smaller room. I had a tiny box room as a teenager, I loved it. My dad made a cabin bed and I used to read on a beanbag under the bunk, and do my work there. I had all my things on shelves and pinned to the walls. It was a little sanctuary. The idea that a small room is some injustice, especially when presumably both SSs have decent sized rooms at their mum's is silly. Why not get them excited for the possibilties of the smaller space by looking at living/storage solutions for small spaces (I love all the 'Tiny Homes' content on youtube, for example).

DD will be happy playing in communal spaces and doing homework on the kitchen table (or wherever) for at least a couple more years. And that's likely to coincide with one of the teens not coming round so much/going to university etc.

So I'd give DD the small room in the short term and move her in the longer term.

Also, not having a desk in their room is going to be a much bigger problem for a 14/15 year old than DD - they will have more homework and need to revise for exams! Or, where are you proposing that they study?

@Multipleexclamationmarks We could broach sharing with them, but they’ve been grumbling about sharing for a few years now and DP has promised them that they can have their own rooms.

Also: I would not live in a home without a bath (have many times made housing choices on basis of no bath), as I love bathing and take baths most days. My DH also has a skin condition that is massively improved through bathing in medicated soak. So yes, for some bath is essential for a family home.

I think the best solution would be Dd gets a double ,the boys share the next largest double so it can be partitioned so they each get the perk of their own privacy, then the single could be a study area/gaming area for all 3 to use.

I'm sorry but you seem intent on railroading this with "my daughter has more need" and ignoring the boys.

They are older and doing or about to do exams, if your dd can't fit a bed, wardrobe and desk in the smallest room then neither can the boys.

Frankly their need for space to study trumps your 10 year olds need for toys, at least for the next 4 or so years depending on whether she is y5 or y6.

You seem as unwilling to compromise as your dp.

Putting a different slant on it (that I may get slated for - I dont have step children), but, if you are putting in 50% to the house but he gets three doubles and the kids are only there 50% of the time then that seems pretty unfair on you for what you have contributed......just another thought

DD gets a large room.

The boys are giving the option of drawing straws for the smaller room or sharing.

DH has to suck it up. Permanent resident gets priority.

Give the 14yo the single room with a wardrobe and cabin bed with desk underneath for studying. Make it a cool room, he'll probably love it.

The older ones won’t have the majority of their stuff and they still get a private room, it’s really not that much of a compromise.
Have you asked the boys about it. They might realise your daughter has more stuff, needs more space for friends etc long term.

For those talking about the teenagers need to study, our renovation plans include a garden office (we both WFH), so there will be a private place to study.

Yeah DD would get it if it was me to keep the kid crap out of family rooms. Not as relevant with teens, especially ones there 50%.

Love how kids can't be expected to study for exams without a big room... I had to share mine with three sisters in a crowded house with a family of twelve and no central heating, the only place to work that was both quiet and warm(ish) was in bed under the covers...I would have given a kidney for a room of my own, no matter what size. (In my 30s, this wasn't the war.)

Teens don't need a big room. No child NEEDS one. You can create all kinds of fun space-saving solutions and make it look great.

Only thing I would wonder about is if they tend to have lots of friends over would it be better for the teen boys to have space to hang out in their rooms, rather than in your living room, potentially less annoying to have DD's friends around? Depends I guess.

I second the suggestion of posting a floorplan here (both floors) and see if anyone can come up with a suggestion that you have not thought of.

Giving one of DP’s children a big room and one a small room will cause more problems than just giving them a big room.

They live there for half their lives and it’s not fair to hold it against them that they have to live across two homes. That’s hard enough to do as it is without the step mum using it as an excuse to why they shouldn’t have the bedroom they were promised.

This definitely sounds like you favouring your DD.
Your 9yo needs a double wardrobe but a 15yo boy can cope with a single. Each of his items of clothing/pairs of shoes is going to take up twice as much space as hers.

She needs space for all her belongings but they don't for theirs. Maybe your dss have so few belongings, and barely use their old room because they've always had to share a bedroom. But each having their own bedroom would actually give them an opportunity to have some more belongings for once.

Priority for me would be study space (i.e. a desk in their own space) for teenagers reaching exam age

At their ages I would presume the visits may tailor off, the boys have more external interests and activities with friends etc in the next few years.

So if they share a room it doesn’t need a wardrobe or desk etc, making it more spacious. Could have an open hanging rail if needed.

single room can be a guest room and they can sleep in if they really want space from each other.

Id just explain dad shouldn’t have promised any of the rooms and it is what it is.

In the future you could have 5 adults/teenagers all trying to use the one, albeit larger, bathroom.

Taking your room out of the equation, how about taking another bite out of the next biggest bedroom and making a second bath/shower room. This would leave one double, which your DD, being there the most, should have and two smaller rooms which they can fight over negotiate ownership of.

As an outsider it seems daft having the permanent residents seriously inconvenienced for the sake of part-time residents.

I'm afraid I'm getting a vibe of 'unwilling to compromise' from you as well, OP, and thought it was quite telling that you said your stepchildren 'stay' half the time. They don't 'stay' with you. They're not guests. They live with their father half the time.

If the single room could fit your bed, I'd have it as your and dh's room, tbh. You say the stepchildren 'only need a bed', but that's not true, is it? They need desk space etc. But adults generally really do only sleep in their bedrooms. If the single room is too small for that, I would, first, rethink the planning and see if it isn't possible to slightly reduce the size of two or three rooms for the bathroom, rather than to halve the size of one, and, failing that, speak to all the children, tell them the situation and offer a big incentive to whoever is prepared to have the small room - lovely new furniture incl a cool bed, nice lighting etc, and possibly a moderate pocket money raise.

But that's not private for anyone? Study leave in there while you WFH in there?

@NoKateMoss They don’t get study leave; their schools require them to continue going to school throughout exams. So they would be able to use the office after school hours as DP and I would be finished working.

I honestly think the boys sharing is not an option here. They really don't want to share any more. My older two always shared until they were about 13 and 11 and it really didn't work any more. We gave up our bedroom for a few years so they could have one each, until we moved into a bigger place. I suspect going back on your (their father's) word and making them share could be a source of major long-term resentment.

Is there another room in the house somewhere? or a garage that can be converted into an extra space? I think whoever gets the small bedroom also gets another space in the house that is also theirs.

What are your funds like?

..Make the garden office extra large and add an en-suite with a decent sized shower... or even a bedroom with en-suite. My friend’s teen ds has a tiny room in the end of their detached garage.

Make them share one double and set up the smallest room as a cool "den" for them to share with gaming, study etc. You can build a lot of privacy into the double room with clever furniture.
As regards the bathroom if you need a tub why not get a bigger than usual one & integrate the shower over? Unless anyone has mobility issues about stepping in and out.