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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you forgive your child if they went no contact?

135 replies

mrsxox · 10/01/2024 09:46

Ds was living at home with his father and I and 2 younger siblings, we were a loving family and all close.
He had a gf who would regularly come over and often stay over.
One day he announced he was moving out, had found a place with gf and would text the address when they had settled in.
We never got that text as instead he blocked us and we were left wondering what we'd done wrong for nearly 5 years.
He recently got back in touch with us, apologised for the long time no hear and explained that we hadn't actually done anything wrong but ex gf hadn't really liked our family so didn't want us in their lives but that they'd split up now.
Ds is now in regular contact with us and we meet up often as he's living close by.
He didn't see his siblings who live at home in the 5 years he went no contact and he hasn't mentioned anything other than it was what ex gf wanted and hadn't been his decision.

AIBU to think ex gf didn't do this he did, he had a choice and decided to cut us all out of his life at the wishes of ex gf but he still chose to do that and would never have seen us again if he was still in that relationship.
I love him dearly and I'm grateful to have him in our lives again, especially as we didn't expect to see him again but I feel like he's shown me his true colours and I can't unsee them.
Or maybe I should just accept he stood by his relationship and now that's not worked I get to have a son after all.
And if they get back together will we be cast aside again?

OP posts:
WhatNextVera · 10/01/2024 09:51

I've just googled "coercive control" to get a description of what it can entail for you. Here is what I found:

What are the 10 types of coercive control?
Types of coercive control

  • Isolating you from your family or friends.
  • Controlling what you eat, wear, or do.
  • Controlling who you are allowed to see or spend time with.
  • Preventing you from accessing support.
  • Gaslighting.
  • Monitoring your behaviour (online or in person)
  • Tracking you, for example, using your phone or car.

Welcome your son back with open arms and gently explore the above with him so that he doesn't fall into a similar relationship again.

DeeIee · 10/01/2024 09:57

That's a tricky one to forgive, but it sounds like he was in an abusive relationship that he's now out of. He has probably been through a lot worse in the last 5 years than what you think.

Original poster
mrsxox · 10/01/2024 09:59

Thank you for that perspective @WhatNextVera I see a lot of things listed that tick a box here, I'll look it up and read more about it.

OP posts:
Whaddde · 10/01/2024 10:00

It's impossible to know how anyone would react in a particular situation but yes, I would like to think that I would forgive my child anything and that my love is unconditional. But then what does forgiveness mean? For me it would mean still being there for them, still showing them love and care and yes, welcoming them back. And yes there is a possibility thst you will be cast aside again and you will have to accept that. Thst possibility is always there with anyone we love. If it's more likely or less likely now because of his behaviour ij the past I don't know.

You are right to hold him responsible for his actions and I don't think you would be wrong to say that to him but again I probably wouldn't labour the point. Hopefully he has learnt his lesson.

ilovepuppies2019 · 10/01/2024 10:08

Were there other signs that he was in abusive relationship? How much effort does he make with relationships in general? Did he attend family things ana support his siblings and out in effort? Or did you do it all and her just enjoyed the benefits and let things be easy? How has he approached the explanation? Has he been regretful, sat at what the missed and putting in effort with his siblings? Sowe people float along with their family but arent that fussed. If his GF preferred him to stay around he might have thought it was just easier and not been bothered. I would find that extremely hard to forgive. I'd he was genuinely in an abusive relationship I would be glad to have him back and supper him with love.

Echobelly · 10/01/2024 10:10

I think under those circumstances I'd forgive, it sounds likely it was a controlling relationship and you don't know what pressure she was putting him under.

PillowRest · 10/01/2024 10:11

It sounds like he's either vulnerable to very intense or controlling relationships, or there is something very offensive or upsetting in the way the girlfriend was treated which made him feel he had to support her.

Most likely the first, but it's worth considering if there is something which could have been interpreted wrong for the second option.

Pastaeverywhere · 10/01/2024 10:16

I'd like to think I'd be pleased and welcome him back. Talk things through to see how it doesn't happen again and if there is anything he could do to prevent this happening again. I see the Freedom programme mentioned on here a lot, maybe he would benefit from that? Life is short.

TempleOfBloom · 10/01/2024 10:17

I would want to support his mental health to enable him to be more resistant to emotionally abusive relationships.

Did he ever display signs of seeing the world a bit differently to others? Was easily led? Emotionally needy? Ever suffered trauma?

Can men access the Freedom Programme? It might help for him to look at the online version.

LenaLamont · 10/01/2024 10:18

What is your goal?

To enjoy a relationship with your son?
Or to hurt him like he hurt you?

SandyWaves · 10/01/2024 10:20

How much effort did you make to contact him? Did you have an email address, know where he worked?

Heyhoherewegoagain · 10/01/2024 10:21

Or maybe I should just accept he stood by his relationship and now that's not worked I get to have a son after all.

This is what you need to focus on, rebuild your relationship with him, and be nothing but supportive.

I say this having not long had an adult child move back in with us after a relationship break up. Our relationship was far from how yours was with your son, but it’s still been very fractured, and I’m working so hard on mending it

Getthethrowonthesofa · 10/01/2024 10:23

I am not sure what you’re asking, but I find your attitude disturbing and punitive, that’s your child. It makes me wonder if there was another reason and he doesn’t want to tell you. You say you love him dearly, but your whole post says you want to punish him.

Original poster
mrsxox · 10/01/2024 10:35

SandyWaves · 10/01/2024 10:20

How much effort did you make to contact him? Did you have an email address, know where he worked?

We were blocked on social media and phone and didn't have an address I had no way to contact him personally and message of love and support sent on our behalf went unanswered.

OP posts:
baileybrosbuildingandloan · 10/01/2024 10:36

Yes.

Unicorns41 · 10/01/2024 10:40

I think you welcome him back and build your relationship up with your son. It sounds like he was in very controlling relationship whilst still very young.

You’ll probably find that over the years, he’ll say things which will show you he was in a very unhealthy relationship. I can understand why you would be hurt but welcoming him back does show he always has a safe, loving family to gain support from.

NewYearResolutions · 10/01/2024 10:41

You need to forgive your son. Think if you are with a emotionally absuive man that convinced you to cut contact with your family. Would you want your family to welcome you back when you finally break free?

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/01/2024 10:46

Please welcome your ds back. He is possibly in denial about what happened with his ex gf and / or so shut down emotionally that he cannot talk about what happened. It is likely over time he will tell you what his life was like during those years. You all need to get to know one another again and your ds needs stability and his family to bolster him and ensure that he doesn’t end up in a similar relationship again.

Jennalong · 10/01/2024 10:46

100 % forgive and enjoy having him back in the family.
He will be a different man now so don't expect the exact , same , relationship as before.

ilovepuppies2019 · 10/01/2024 10:48

Getthethrowonthesofa · 10/01/2024 10:23

I am not sure what you’re asking, but I find your attitude disturbing and punitive, that’s your child. It makes me wonder if there was another reason and he doesn’t want to tell you. You say you love him dearly, but your whole post says you want to punish him.

Parents aren't superhumans though, they hurt and it's not always possible to rise above everything. Adult children are sometimes allowed to treat parents in ways that would never accept from a partner on the grounds that parents must always rise above things. It would hurt to the bone to have a child simply walk away from your relationship. The OP probably spent every Christmas and birthday feeling like something was missing, sitting at every occasion wondering what her DS would have thought, reflecting on where he was and what he was doing. She might have had to support, comfort and explain to younger siblings who may have been heartbroken.

He might be back and expect things to carry on as they were before with very little thought about how his family were feeling. I would find a disregard the feelings of his wider family to be very hard to come to terms with as that's thoughtless. If he just didn't care enough and allowed his girlfriend to make the decisions about who he / they spent time with then I would be very disappointed and think he was a weak willed man. I would also be worried that he would enter a new relationship or something else would happen and he would cut off his family again. Perhaps he was in an abusive relationship and then that would be very different. I would be trying to support as much as possible and wrap him up in love. It really depends on the circumstances.

upwardsonwards · 10/01/2024 10:48

I saw something recently that completely changed my outlook having being brought up a Christian. Forgiveness is for God, we humans have to accept and learn the lessons. Stop trying to forgive him. Accept what he did and what it has meant for you relationship

  1. you don’t trust him the same way
  2. you fear he has done it once it could happen again
  3. you feel betrayed? Let down maybe?
  4. you might feel more protective of yourself since he has let you down

more I’m sure

but most of those are things you can work on with him. Speak up. Tell him how you feel. Accept what has happened and build your relationship back slowly. Things have changed massively. Acknowledge and accept that.

PussInBin20 · 10/01/2024 10:48

I would feel very hurt and wouldn’t just accept that as an explanation- I would have to ask him for further details as like you say, it seems he was not that bothered and could easily have contacted you by phone. If she didn’t want to see you then she didn’t have to.

I would want to explore whether he was truly in an abusive relationship and question what would happen if another partner requests this.

I would find it hard to forgive but I would want to rebuild the relationship.

Pestopastaandcheese · 10/01/2024 10:48

SandyWaves · 10/01/2024 10:20

How much effort did you make to contact him? Did you have an email address, know where he worked?

This is what I wonder.
You say you never expected to hear from him again, and that's that.

If my DD got into a relationship, blocked me and essentially went missing I'd be doing everything in my power to locate her, make sure she's safe, I would never 'not expect to see her again' he's your son!

He's obviously extremely vulnerable to abusive relationships. He needs help with this, and needs you to work with him, not against him.

Original poster
mrsxox · 10/01/2024 10:50

TempleOfBloom · 10/01/2024 10:17

I would want to support his mental health to enable him to be more resistant to emotionally abusive relationships.

Did he ever display signs of seeing the world a bit differently to others? Was easily led? Emotionally needy? Ever suffered trauma?

Can men access the Freedom Programme? It might help for him to look at the online version.

I think he just really wanted a girlfriend and when he got one he desperately wanted to keep her and did anything to make her happy.
I do think he'd do the same in the future because he so desperately wants to be in a relationship.
In that respect I think he's vulnerable to being taken advantage of because he is a pleaser.

OP posts:
LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 10/01/2024 10:50

If my son got back in touch with me I would be so happy. His girlfriend dumped him two Christmases ago and it upset him deeply. So much so, that he cut his entire family out of his life and hasn't been in touch with any of us since, despite us trying. I appreciate he may have had a breakdown or decided he didn't want us around, but he was a family man who came to every family event, who hosted family in his house. It breaks my heart and none of us can understand why he walked away. Forgive your son and welcome him back