Would you forgive your child if they went no contact?

[mrsxox]

Ds was living at home with his father and I and 2 younger siblings, we were a loving family and all close.
He had a gf who would regularly come over and often stay over.
One day he announced he was moving out, had found a place with gf and would text the address when they had settled in.
We never got that text as instead he blocked us and we were left wondering what we'd done wrong for nearly 5 years.
He recently got back in touch with us, apologised for the long time no hear and explained that we hadn't actually done anything wrong but ex gf hadn't really liked our family so didn't want us in their lives but that they'd split up now.
Ds is now in regular contact with us and we meet up often as he's living close by.
He didn't see his siblings who live at home in the 5 years he went no contact and he hasn't mentioned anything other than it was what ex gf wanted and hadn't been his decision.

AIBU to think ex gf didn't do this he did, he had a choice and decided to cut us all out of his life at the wishes of ex gf but he still chose to do that and would never have seen us again if he was still in that relationship.
I love him dearly and I'm grateful to have him in our lives again, especially as we didn't expect to see him again but I feel like he's shown me his true colours and I can't unsee them.
Or maybe I should just accept he stood by his relationship and now that's not worked I get to have a son after all.
And if they get back together will we be cast aside again?

Is there anything in his childhood that might have made him a people pleaser?

Of course, not everything an adult does is to do with how they were parented. But the fact we were responsible for a lot of their development is another reason to give our own kids certain amounts of grace.

Let’s say you didn’t forgive him. A) What would that look like? B) Would what that looked like help your relationship with your son.

Oof that's a tough one. It's hard to say how I'd react, it would depend wholly on the circumstances and the family history. It's hard to make a judgment here as undoubtedly there's a lifetime of complex family dynamics at play which lead to his decision. I would say there's a considerable amount of reflection to be done by you and him. It's really not normal for a child to go off grid for years with zero contact. Even if he's a people pleaser that doesn't explain it. Did extended family/friends/people from your community see him or speak to him during that time? What did they say to you about it?

I mean if my child truly, out of nowhere, stopped talking to me for years I would be livid and would need/expect answers and genuine contrition. I'd forgive them but it wouldn't be easy to forget. However, I just can't see this happening without there being some contributing factors related to their upbringing/family dynamics and my first port of call would be figuring out what lead to this.

What does to forgive mean to you, OP?

I think it's perfectly normal to be worried that it could happen again. Yes it could well have been coercive control, but it could also have been that he wasn't being that strongly coerced and that he just didn't try very hard to maintain any sort of a relationship with you.

I like what the poster who said forgiveness is for God, had to say. I think your actions and your feelings are allowed to be complicated and maybe not even coherent. Life IS messy. You are allowed to keep a part of you that is hurt that he could cut you out seemingly so easily. You are allowed to feel angry/sad/grieve, about that time when you worried about him, and didn't know if you'd ever hear from him again. It makes a lot of sense to forgive in terms of it releases your from carrying a lot of emotional burden, but you may not be ready to, and you may never be ready to and that is also okay.

Seperate from but in relationship with how you feel is how you choose to act. You can choose to behave with kindness and compassion for him. You can choose to welcome him back with open arms - as it sounds like you have done. To do those things is... well, more like the physical act of forgiveness, no?

Life is messy. This situation is messy. Forgiveness is a complicated concept with many facets, IMO. You're allowed to have complicated and conflicting emotions around it all.

I think you have no choice but to forgive him if you love him and want him in your life. That said I would definitely be having a discussion with him about how much his behaviour hurt you and the family, and want to understand why he felt he needed to do it/why it was OK. Did he say anything about being sad about it, or it hurting him? I also would try to get him to go to counselling - it sounds like he has potentially got very low self esteem/is easily controlled/is potentially vulnerable to people with nefarious intentions. This needs addressing. In fact family therapy as well as individual would probably be a good idea, to work through all the trauma caused by his absence and to set expectations and boundaries for the future.

I mean yes, he could’ve been in a controlling relationship. Whether he was or not and whether he could’ve actually said to the GF, no I will be seeing my family is another matter. It might make you feel better to put it all on the GF rather than accepting that actually it was your DSs choice ultimately. I can imagine my ILs would put it all on me if the relationship broke down between them and their son (my DH), but actually it’s just that my DH can’t be bothered and makes little effort to maintain a relationship with them. Not actually my fault at all, but would make them feel better to blame it on me.
i obviously don’t know if that’s the case here or not. But regardless I think I would forgive but not forget.
maybe have a conversation with him about how you missed him, how his siblings missed him, what he missed out on and how it didn’t need to be that way. That you hope in any future relationships that won’t be the case again. Then address it again if he does start a new relationship. Be really welcoming to her and try to involve them both in the family. Good luck.

Whatnextvera said "Welcome your son back with open arms and gently explore the above with him so that he doesn't fall into a similar relationship again".

Excellent advice right there. 🙂

I think you’re right to welcome him back.

But it’s ok to be wary and leave a piece of yourself guarded, so that he can’t inflict that hurt again.

I think there’s an important difference between letting a relationship slide and what (I think) the OP described, where he moved away without giving an address, blocked them from his social media and didn’t respond when they sent messages through others (whatever form that took).

To an extent, letting a relationship slide involves two sides. It’s remarkable how many parents seem to think it’s the child’s responsibility to keep in touch. My ex-MIL would never phone, but would then shout at ex-H when he did, because he had not phoned for so long. I eventually told him to remind her that phones went both ways and if she wanted to speak to him, she was free to call.

My family are quite bad at letting things slide, but we are there for each other when it matters and none of us would ever be cross with the other for not getting in touch unless we’d made an effort and a request for reciprocation which was ignored.

I think I'd be pretty cross and asking what the heck he was thinking I mean that's bizarre , like a bereavement experience. Not sure if I'd forgive or not.

I would definitely be guarded. Not in the sense of a conscious decision, more because my trust in them will have been chipped away.

Not experienced this with a child, but when I'm on the receiving end of poor treatment from others - family or otherwise, I do feel I disconnect from them and I always remember the wrongdoing.