Would you forgive your child if they went no contact?

[mrsxox]

Ds was living at home with his father and I and 2 younger siblings, we were a loving family and all close.
He had a gf who would regularly come over and often stay over.
One day he announced he was moving out, had found a place with gf and would text the address when they had settled in.
We never got that text as instead he blocked us and we were left wondering what we'd done wrong for nearly 5 years.
He recently got back in touch with us, apologised for the long time no hear and explained that we hadn't actually done anything wrong but ex gf hadn't really liked our family so didn't want us in their lives but that they'd split up now.
Ds is now in regular contact with us and we meet up often as he's living close by.
He didn't see his siblings who live at home in the 5 years he went no contact and he hasn't mentioned anything other than it was what ex gf wanted and hadn't been his decision.

AIBU to think ex gf didn't do this he did, he had a choice and decided to cut us all out of his life at the wishes of ex gf but he still chose to do that and would never have seen us again if he was still in that relationship.
I love him dearly and I'm grateful to have him in our lives again, especially as we didn't expect to see him again but I feel like he's shown me his true colours and I can't unsee them.
Or maybe I should just accept he stood by his relationship and now that's not worked I get to have a son after all.
And if they get back together will we be cast aside again?

So many on here jumping to the conclusion, with no facts, that he was in a controlling relationship and was vulnerable.

Of course I would welcome my child back however I would want to know what happened. I would also expect them to listen to and understand the trauma this had caused me and the family. Seeing the bigger picture, recognising the consequences and owning your actions are very important. Unconditional love does not equate to 'treat me how you like'. What's to say that he won't do the same next time he gets a partner!

If my son cut contact, I’d be moving heaven and Earth to find out why. If it was simply coercive control, I’d expect him to return with his tail between his legs, very unhappy and needing comfort.

Is there back story you haven’t told us, OP? Were there problems in your household when your son was growing up?

My son cut contact with me and ex-DH for a while and I know exactly why it happened and it was partly my fault as I enabled ex-DH for too many years and stayed in an abusive relationship when I should have prioritised my son.

I don’t think anyone with a normal relationship with their parents would go NC to that extent without it being an incredibly painful experience, which would probably become clear on their return. This is not s normal family dynamic, OP and if you honestly don’t know why, then I think there might be some soul searching to do on your own part.

I’m concerned that the OP isn’t reflecting on why her child might have been open to being told to cut his family off or where his desperate need to have a partner/please a partner comes from but is instead positing all of this as internal to her child.

Also suspect there's more to this. So you waited for a text that never arrived and that was that? You weren't contacting the police or his work to check if he was dead or alive? You weren't going round his girlfriends parents to ask what they knew of the situation? You just sat back and "wondered" for 5 years. Riiight.

Yeah. I'm not accusing OP of anything but I have definitely seen a lot of families where things were going very badly wrong in certain ways externally, but it was all put down to "well it's because this child is mentally ill/insane/an arsehole".

Yes that’s what I wondered.
I’d have done all those things, then hired a private detective.
Very strange story (if true…..)

I think whether I could forgive this or not would depend on his personality and how vulnerable he is.

My husbands sonefrom his previous marriage met a woman exactly as you describe and married her. All his family could see that she was systematically cutting him off from his family and that included us. We haven't spoken to him since 2016. We have no idea if he is touch with the rest of his family.

Nothing would get us to speak to him again. He knew full well his treatment of us would break his father's heart, he just didn't care enough to stand up to his foul wife.

@mrsxox I think I would really struggle to forgive that behaviour! sorry if that differs to everyone else's belief!

I know a formerly happy and very close family where a DiL was clearly determined from the word go to hate her dh’s family. There has been zero contact with their son for some years now. To me it would seem that he’s doing exactly as he’s told, for the sake of a quiet life.

IMO his mother, who is in poor health, would forgive him tomorrow, but the father, who is a truly lovely bloke, has said he never can or will forgive him for causing so much appalling heartache to his wife.

IMO his mother, who is in poor health, would forgive him tomorrow, but the father, who is a truly lovely bloke, has said he never can or will forgive him for causing so much appalling heartache to his wife.

If his wife would forgive the son and have him back, then he would be hurting her still more by refusing to do the same. Sounds like he'd be using his wife's heartache as a way of valorising his own desire not to forgive.

I'd like to think that I'd forgive under these circumstances. He was young and there must have been more going on.

And I know where a family where the MIL would tell things exactly as you have in the first paragraph where the DIL had actually reached out and tried very hard, but it was entirely MIL's doing.

Yes, I can well believe that, but I know that is not the case here.

When my son was married, he did not go ‘no contact’ but family get togethers were difficult and I constantly felt as though they did not want to engage with us as a family and life was quite difficult at times as a result.
They were divorced some years ago and my son is so different, so much more loving to us and loves family events. He actually apologised to me for allowing his wife to come between us all and said that he would never allow anyone to come between us again.
I am so glad you have your son back. Welcome him with open arms and an open heart.

This. Not so much relevance to what you feel now but I can’t imagine going 5 years without making every effort to know he’s ok.

I would find that incredibly hard to forgive, but as previous posters have mentioned he may have been in a very toxic controlling relationship. I hope you can rebuild your family relationships but I I think for me his rejection would always be there under the surface and I don't think the trust could ever fully return. Hopefully you can make it work. I feel for you. It is a very sad situation.

I know a family where this happened albeit the son was older than the OPs. The son accused the family of not supporting him etc etc, got back in touch once his marriage broke down. He was non contact for maybe 2 or 3 years.

They did forgive , the DIL had some mental health issues from the sound of it and narcissistic traits.

That must have been a heart breaking time for you, your husband and the children at home.

I wouldn't have to "forgive" my child for it. But I would take a small, self- protective step back from them in case in happened again. Nothing wrong with that.

I would also, when the time is right, let them know the affect it had on everyone. He is an adult, yes in a coercive relationship which he appears atm to be out of, but that doesn't stop him from knowing the wider affects his decisions had on his siblings in particular.

I'd give him the benefit of the doubt but be concerned he doesn't recognise unhealthy behaviour (controlling / manipulative behaviour from his girlfriend) and doesn't have good boundaries.

Would you be prepared to listen to any effects he felt decisions you had made had had on him?

Not only have you failed to identify he was in an abusive relationship, you are victim blaming him. You need to read up on coercive control ASAP and start giving him the support he hasn’t had from you for the past 5 years.

No, definitely not. I would expect him to just sit there mute whilst I mouthed off

🙄

Not sure what post you’re reading but there is nothing punitive in this.

Just a mum who’s been hurt and is probably wary of being hurt again - and who is probably wanting to protect DS’s younger siblings from a repeat incident. However, I utterly agree with the first post - her son seems vulnerable to coercive relationships and should be welcomed back, but he may need emotional support and perhaps some counselling to ensure he is not so vulnerable in future relationships.

Well, this is indeed what many parents would do (as evidenced by others on the thread) and there was no mention at all of any intention of reciprocity or interest in how his feelings might have come about.

Good to know that wouldn't be you.

Just be glad he's back in your life and move forward together. My friends son lived with an abusive gf, she threatened to kill herself everytime he wanted to see his family. It's not just women who end up in violent controlling relationships. If moving forward he does it again upon meeting someone then let him go, "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me".