Would you forgive your child if they went no contact?

[mrsxox]

Ds was living at home with his father and I and 2 younger siblings, we were a loving family and all close.
He had a gf who would regularly come over and often stay over.
One day he announced he was moving out, had found a place with gf and would text the address when they had settled in.
We never got that text as instead he blocked us and we were left wondering what we'd done wrong for nearly 5 years.
He recently got back in touch with us, apologised for the long time no hear and explained that we hadn't actually done anything wrong but ex gf hadn't really liked our family so didn't want us in their lives but that they'd split up now.
Ds is now in regular contact with us and we meet up often as he's living close by.
He didn't see his siblings who live at home in the 5 years he went no contact and he hasn't mentioned anything other than it was what ex gf wanted and hadn't been his decision.

AIBU to think ex gf didn't do this he did, he had a choice and decided to cut us all out of his life at the wishes of ex gf but he still chose to do that and would never have seen us again if he was still in that relationship.
I love him dearly and I'm grateful to have him in our lives again, especially as we didn't expect to see him again but I feel like he's shown me his true colours and I can't unsee them.
Or maybe I should just accept he stood by his relationship and now that's not worked I get to have a son after all.
And if they get back together will we be cast aside again?

I'd just be so happy to be back in contact that everything would be forgiven.

I agree entirely.

Can't put my finger on it but there's something b very blasé about your post. You say you had no way of contacting him, and send him a message of love that went unanswered.

There's always ways of contact, blocked or not. Make a new social medical account, email, number etc.

As I said, I'd go to the end of the earth to locate my child no matter how old they were. UNLESS they went NC for something that I did, I would have to respect that. But I'd like to think there's nothing I would ever do, to make my children never want to face me again.

My first thought was that he was in a relationship with coercive control that he is now free of. Please welcome him back with open arms OP - he’ll need you.

I don’t think it’s about forgiveness necessarily. It will inevitably take you a long time to not have what happened spring to mind, or wonder about each new relationship or minor disagreement. But it sounds like you can find a new way to coexist. If not, probably faking forgiveness is better than the last 5 years?

🙄there’s always someone waiting to put the knife in.

Name changed as a lot of people IRL are familiar with this.

This happened to me. Very, long story short, DC went to join the forces and from dropping off at the station never had another direct contact for 3 years. Knew they were OK as in touch with some other family members but nothing in person. They were adamant they wanted nothing to do with us. The worst thing was them not acknowledging my DM's death, that felt especially cruel. At the time I felt they'd already stabbed me in the heart and that just twisted the knife.

Over time the other family members managed to facilitate a meeting and we hugged and got on OK. DC apologised for it being so long and I said it was OK and we'd make a fresh start. DC left forces shortly after and told they were welcome home anytime and they have now been home for about 3 years.

It's not been plain sailing, we had a bit of a crisis a few months in when they went through a bad patch and said the reason they'd gone NC was because of stuff they say happened when they were growing up ("Stately homes" type stuff, recollections may vary). We've since put this behind us and moved on.

Essentially, they are my child, I love them and forgive them, even though what I went through was horrendous. I think on their side they have forgiven (or at least chosen to forget) what they perceive as faults on my side.

I am so glad we've reconciled. DC was severely, life-threateningly ill last year, requiring emergency surgery. I dread to think what might have happened if they hadn't been at home and I was able to drive them to A&E in the middle of the night (999 were useless). Thankfully they've come out the other side and the experience has made us closer

There's been a lot more ups and downs, ins and outs over time but that's the essentials.

TLDR: This happened to me, it worked out in the end. Try to put the bad times behind you and focus on building your relationship. You don't know what's around the corner.

@PussInBin20

I'm absolutely not trying to put a knife in. She posted in AIBU and I gave my opinion.

But resulting to 'I didn't expect to see him again' due to him being in an obviously controlling relationship, I am surprised.

So no, not sticking the knife in. I'm just surprised by the OPs blasé view on this but obviously we don't know the full story.

I'd forgive them for pretty much anything and just be glad I was in their lives.

So sorry to hear this. I hope my story above shows that they can come back. I had the comfort of knowing my DC was OK. Do you know if your DS is OK or where he is?

I know where he lives but I have no idea how he is and if he's ok. He never responds to texts and has shut down all social media accounts. Not a day goes by where I don't think about him and wish him well. Thank you for your concern x

I would forgive in those circumstances.
The alternative is to hold it against him or put a wall up to protect yourself and that will likely lead you back down the NC path. He’s returned to you, build on that. Look forwards not backwards would be my advice.

Exactly, WE don’t know the full story so we have to go on what the OP has written - except you have decided to read into things that aren’t there and are just being nasty. How do you know she has a blasé view? How do you know he was in an “obviously controlling relationship”? You don’t!

You are trying to make out she has done something to deserve it and that is unkind when she is reaching out for help.

So many horrible people on his site.

For @LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand and anyone else who may find this helpful.

https://www.rejectedparents.net/

My brothers husband done the same in a similar scenario except it wasn't coercive control, he made the decision to go NC with his mum and dad and his brother.

It lasted 2 years then his marriage fell apart and he came crawling back, there was actually no discussion or accountability for his actions which in turn has led him to live a pretty mediocre life with plenty of bad decisions along the way that has effected his relationships.

Whilst i would welcome him back i think its actually important to discuss and find the root cause, perhaps get him some counselling in order to start being more resilient in life and tools to help him make better decisions

I would be happy to have him back, but rug sweeping helps no one here.

He must be open to discussing what went wrong and if necessary, some counselling for him or the family, if there is a wider issue.

This has the potential to become a cycle where he disappears/ reappears etc, or leave a lot of unspoken resentment in the family.

I hope you can sort it out and get back to being a loving unit.

I think he just really wanted a girlfriend and when he got one he desperately wanted to keep her and did anything to make her happy.
I do think he'd do the same in the future because he so desperately wants to be in a relationship.
In that respect I think he's vulnerable to being taken advantage of because he is a pleaser.

To be honest, I think this is an extreme form of all the men who outsource their family relationships to their wives or partners - expecting them to remember birthdays, buy presents, make plans etc. I take it to mean that their own immediate comfort means more to them than their families, and so they are content to let their partners manage these. I do think it is likely it will happen again if he has a partner who does not like you, but not because he is a pleaser, but because its just easier for him.

This, really.

I'm NC with my parents for different (as far as I know, we are only hearing your version here) reasons and I can promise you it's not something anybody does lightly. It's a huge sacrifice on many levels and really impacts quite a lot of areas of life.

If he chose to do that, he had a reason. If that reason was the girlfriend then it's possible he was in a very unsafe place. I would support him and try and make sure he is now in a safe one with you. You are a parent and although he is an adult, I feel it's my job to protect and support my children forever.

I've had similar resumption of contact by self-estranged relatives (but not offspring) after many years, and I can understand your mixed feelings.

My advice: Sure, enjoy their company again and make the most of occasional times together. But the fact that you were rejected for a long time without justifiable reason, should remind you that your value in their eyes, although positive again, is probably not very deep.

It's not a matter of "retaining hard feelings", it's a matter of adjusting to a role in which they are thankfully back again, but more marginal in your own emotional scheme of things.

I'm extremely close to my parents and love them with all my heart, my mum is my best friend and my rock.
I couldn't possibly imagine not having them in my life.
I couldn't possibly hurt them by cutting them off through no fault of theirs and giving no explanation whatsoever.
Their pain would be in my thoughts day and night and not only could I not expect them to forgive me I couldn't forgive myself if I did that to them.

I suspect the relationship wasn't that close in the first place to be that disposable.

If it wasn’t coercive control then what? What dies he say about thise lost years?

He must have very shallow emotions

1. not to have missed you and his siblings.
2. not to feel shame, concern, curiosity about those missing years. Are there no discussions about that time and what it meant to you? What happens if you bring it up? Is part of the problem that you no longer feel safe bringing it up so that, in a sense, he doesn’t feel like a full member of the family?

I think really you are just asking if it’s ok to tell him how hurt you were / are and the impact his actions had on your lives.
you can - but just follow up that you are glad he’s back as he’s very loved.

I think there is a difference between forgiving and forgetting to be honest.

Yes, I could forgive. And I'd be very glad to have him back. But I don't think I could blindly trust that he'd never do this again and it couldn't be the same relationship. Once someone has shown you who they are it's difficult to throw caution to the winds again.

I would be welcoming and pleasant and leave it up to him to set the pace. I would also be protecting part of myself, I suspect, just waiting for him to do this again when he gets another girlfriend.

In your situation, yes, it sounds like you had a good relationship prior to this and he got in way over his head at a young age when he was still developing and figuring out life and he made a bad decision, which he now regrets, and he's doing what he can to make amends. Yes, I would be proud of my child for admitting their mistake and trying to make it right.

I am NC with my mum, and while I don't have any interest in a relationship with her in the future, I do wonder really what she says to other people about me and our relationship. I do agree with you though that it's the choice of the people involved that the relationship didn't work out. It is because of your ds, not his ex, but it may be hard to get his head around that still.

I am NC with my mum in part because of her relationship with her partner (he is controlling and has isolated her, but he also poses a risk to my children). When I said we could no longer have a relationship with him because I needed to keep my dc safe, it set her into attack mode - because he is the most important thing in her world, and any threat to him is a threat to her and her sense of self and stability. But controlling partner or not, the reason we are NC is because of her and her behaviour, not her partners.

All that said though, I do have to say I think it's unlikely in a good, happy, healthy relationship for a child to go NC out of the blue, unless they've been sucked into a cult or fallen quickly into addiction or having a breakdown or something. I often think about what it would be like for my dc to choose one day to be NC with me, and I just can't ever imagine it happening. Because I know how difficult it is and the lengths I went to to save my relationship with my mum. I couldn't imagine my dc raising a concern with me or asking for help or reaching out the way I did and me not wanting to do everything I could do to heal that relationship.

It may be that you need to look at yourself and your family too. It was clearly running from something and yes, he accepts it wasn't the right thing to do now, at the time, it clearly felt like the answer. I think it's worth trying to understand that more, and that includes what you could have done differently. I'm a big believer in talking these things through. And also family is so important - and short of situations (like mine) where safety necessitates a relationship ending - I think most family pain and ruptures can be healed if everyone is committed to working through them.

This is a really helpful post and there is a lot worth considering in it @mrsxox

I would forgive this yes. I would explain how hurt I was and explain that we would have to rebuild trust.