Would you forgive your child if they went no contact?

[mrsxox]

Ds was living at home with his father and I and 2 younger siblings, we were a loving family and all close.
He had a gf who would regularly come over and often stay over.
One day he announced he was moving out, had found a place with gf and would text the address when they had settled in.
We never got that text as instead he blocked us and we were left wondering what we'd done wrong for nearly 5 years.
He recently got back in touch with us, apologised for the long time no hear and explained that we hadn't actually done anything wrong but ex gf hadn't really liked our family so didn't want us in their lives but that they'd split up now.
Ds is now in regular contact with us and we meet up often as he's living close by.
He didn't see his siblings who live at home in the 5 years he went no contact and he hasn't mentioned anything other than it was what ex gf wanted and hadn't been his decision.

AIBU to think ex gf didn't do this he did, he had a choice and decided to cut us all out of his life at the wishes of ex gf but he still chose to do that and would never have seen us again if he was still in that relationship.
I love him dearly and I'm grateful to have him in our lives again, especially as we didn't expect to see him again but I feel like he's shown me his true colours and I can't unsee them.
Or maybe I should just accept he stood by his relationship and now that's not worked I get to have a son after all.
And if they get back together will we be cast aside again?

Relationships are so complex. There is no black-and-white way of looking at this.

You are allowed to feel joy and relief that your beloved son is back in your life. You are also allowed to feel anger, confusion and resentment about what happened. These feelings are not mutually exclusive.

I hope you can work through this. It sounds astonishingly painful for you all.

Good post. I know my own mum has told people she has 'no idea' why I cut her off, which is completely untrue and totally ridiculous - she knows very well.

Which is why I'm always a bit wary of these kinds of posts to be honest. You never have the full picture.

He may well have been sucked into a coercive relationship, but it also sounds like the parents made almost no effort to contact him. Why? This is something I simply can't imagine happening with my own children.

It must have been devastating for you, but ultimately most people want relationships with their children, apart from in very extreme circumstances. I imagine you're very hurt and it's probably going to take some time for you to forgive and trust him and fully process the last 5 years, and that's ok. I do agree with others on here, that it sounds like he was a victim of coercive control.

Did your DS explain why the GF did not like his family? Did you have any idea/warning on that? I find it odd that you do not mention any history on your relationship with her whislt she visited your home. Did you appprove of the relationship/ did you make her feel welcome?

And assuming he fell under her coercive control, as parents are you and tour DH willing to look at why he was vulnerable to this?

DC2 started dating a woman in her early 20s when he was 17. He's 23 now and I haven't seen him in 4yrs or have any idea where he lives with her.

At the time, our whole family welcomed her. She was rather brusque, sometimes rude. My DM was flat out scared of her. But we involved her and invited her, after all, my DC had chosen her.

DC2 went NC with me first after a fabulous weekend we'd spent together. Then he went NC with his DB when DB asked him to go out for a drink. My DM next when he was on the phone and said things weren't easy, she suggested he took a break from GF. He hung up, sent her a vile text message and NC with her. DF has cancer, DC knows this, DF sent a happy birthday text to him. Nothing. His aunt has tried to reach out. Nothing.

So, if I were in your shoes OP, I would absolutely forgive your DC, hold them tight and not let go! Relationships are complicated and we don't know what goes on, but you have them back so carry on loving them unconditionally and try and vent your resentment on places like here. You're hurt, you're angry, but they're back.

In that respect I think he's vulnerable to being taken advantage of because he is a pleaser.

OP why do you think he is a pleaser? What, in his early life, has shaped him and led him to want to please people? Why was it easier for him to go NC rather than move out and keep both relationships going but face conflict?

Yes I would forgive me own child. It sounds like it was a very painful period for you which is very understandable but I couldn't imagine rejecting my child because I didn't agree with their behaviour when they were a young adult/teen.

Of course I would! And of course I did!!
My children and grandchildren can expect unconditional love from me at all times.

We can disagree about things I do and things that they do. However, my door and my heart are always open to them.

We have just come out of a not dissimilar situation here.
My eldest met their partner 8 years ago.. all seemed fine. Eldest lives about 4 hours away but came home whenever the could. Then the partner moved in, they bought a place,married, and contact diminished dramatically. Partner was 'too anxious' to visit, didn't want us there (we are chilled and a happy family and my other children's partners actually both lived with us for a few years, we aren't scary!)
My daughter would make quick phonecalls on their way home from work, but cut off the second they got home.
Fast forward to just over a year ago, and the partner had had an affair and left.
Finally I was able to go there, talk freely, go be with my devastated child.

Gradually the picture emerged of just how controlling the ex was. Also vicious, and emotionally abusive. We are now just reaching the end of a horrible process (ex never worked, never contributed a penny, no kids (thank God) but gunned for everything they could take) of divorce. We are broke, paying them off, BUT we have our girl back. She was home for Xmas, we are off on holiday with all the siblings shortly, we talk every day.

SHE didn't realise what a bad situation she was in, she was just trying to keep her partner happy.

We are just busy helping her become whole again, and appreciating that she is BACK. No point holding on to resentment IMO (I don't resent my daughter at all I was deeply worried)

'You are trying to make out she has done something to deserve it and that is unkind when she is reaching out for help.'

@PussInBin20
Where have you read on any of my replies that I have been nasty? And where have you read that I'm trying to make out the OP deserves it please?

I've said no such thing. I don't think such thing. As I said, we don't know the ins and outs. She's posted in Aibu and I have my opinion, which is the whole point of posting here.

Stop making scenarios up in your head to suit your narrative, it derails threads.

He's always wanted a girlfriend and while all his friends dated in their youth he was not so lucky and this has meant he's willing to do anything girls ask to make them like him.
He struggles with woman and if a girl likes him he'll do whatever it takes to keep her happy and with him.

I would forgive 100 %. I will be hurt and upset but at the same time I love my children no matter what (even if I don't agree with what they do).

I raised a relatives son who is 100% a son to me. He's been upset with me and I haven't seen him in nearly 4 years. He is no less my son then my dd is my dd. If he walks thru my door he doesn't need to say a word. I would hug him and not care at all about the past hurts.

We were very welcoming and kind to her, she was here often but it came down to her parents could afford to buy her a brand new car, pay for lessons and insurance, tax and petrol but we couldn't afford to do this so ds worked and saved for his car and ds paid a contribution for his keep once working which she didn't.

We provided love and support but we couldn't provide the money her family did and she saw this as her parents were nice and we were not.

Ds has told us that's why she didn't like us because we weren't generous like her parents. However we are not in the same financial position as her family is.

I understand.
I'm in a similar situation with my son, 3 years NC.
No reason I can see and no explanation.
I know he's safe and well, but that's it, I think it's possible he's in a controlling relationship but I'm not sure what I can do to get him out of it.
I literally tried everything and he is an adult so I figure I just have to wait and hope.

I would forgive but trust would take time to rebuild. Your son also has to be realistic and realise he has missed out on a lot of family things, so his siblings may view him as a bit of an outsider for a while. He has to accept that things may be different and not like nothing has happened at all. I'd be a bit wary that he's not taking any personal responsibility and blaming it on the girlfriend. No matter what the circumstances, he has also made a choice to allow it. But yes, I'd welcome him back but proceed cautiously.

He's your child!
"Shown his true colours" what by being abused?? He's really young. He didnt have the life experience to deal with the situation. Of course you should forgive him.. and not only that but try and help him grow so that no one manages to abuse him like that again

And what you've said is so sad.. he sounds like he had low self esteem.. was trying to cling on to the first girl to act like she cared about him... sacrificed everything to try and be love
If it were my son I'd just feel really sorry for him not offended. That's a difficult journey to go on. I'd be glad he was back and had hopefully learnt a lesson and I'd want to help him be stronger in the future

He's either been in an abusive relationship or his biggest crime has been to be very weak and easily controlled.
It would hurt, but I'd forgive him and shower all the love on him that you haven't been able to show for 5 years.

Tbh, I think I would be hurt, as you are, but I think I would need to try and explore why mu child was so very vulnerable to this type of abuse. I would want to help him to understand that his relationship with you, was something you felt was good, and you thought you'd been loving and supportive. Had he not felt the same? I'd want a really open and honest conversation because I'm wondering what the cracks were that she leant on to make him go NC with you.
This could give you a great opportunity to understand him, and what has actually gone on.

I'd also wonder what else she manipulated him away from. Even in genuine situations where a partners parents can act like complete dicks to them and their partner, they often won't go NC. It's quite worrying OP.

How are his younger siblings handling this?

forgive or not, the experience really changes you as a person.
it's heart wrenching but i would look into therapy (i know i should and dd was simply a very challenging teen and i fear she could return to the same behavior despite 10 good years).

I find it sad, but I find it hard to believe that he went NC just because his gf told him to for 5 whole years.

Yes he's your child. I'd forgive him, support him and try to help him not get in that situation again.

I feel really sad reading these stories - our family are currently experiencing this from our eldest DS. All was fine until early last year when our messages to him remained unread, emails (who knows, they haven't "bounced back" but unsure if he still uses these accounts), & our phone calls go straight to voice mail. This is for me, our other 2 adult DS & my elderly DM, his (used to be ?) dearly loved Grandma who he boarded with during high school.

I have absolutely no idea why we have been blocked - maybe if we'd had a huge row or upset but nothing in the past 6 years (a misunderstanding before that, sorted when our darling GD was born). But weirdly, I remain on good terms with our GD's Mum, our DS' ex & she mentions visits hes made, news of what hes up to. So I know hes alive & well, & working hard - but hes choosing to ignore us. We do live a long way from them - maybe 8 hours driving - so I cannot pop in to see him & sort this. So all very sad. And I know Grandma would love for him to just pick up the phone. Its his birthday (42) in a few more days & we've sent him gifts, they've been delivered - but who knows if they're in a bin already.

He & his ex are on very good terms & stay in regular contact; it wasnt our DS who ended their relationship when their wee one was just a toddler which I think has left him pretty devastated, but I saw him on a visit to them all about 14 mths ago & he was very upbeat, hugs on my leaving, I love you Mum.
I live in hope that one day he will be back.