Would you forgive your child if they went no contact?

[mrsxox]

Ds was living at home with his father and I and 2 younger siblings, we were a loving family and all close.
He had a gf who would regularly come over and often stay over.
One day he announced he was moving out, had found a place with gf and would text the address when they had settled in.
We never got that text as instead he blocked us and we were left wondering what we'd done wrong for nearly 5 years.
He recently got back in touch with us, apologised for the long time no hear and explained that we hadn't actually done anything wrong but ex gf hadn't really liked our family so didn't want us in their lives but that they'd split up now.
Ds is now in regular contact with us and we meet up often as he's living close by.
He didn't see his siblings who live at home in the 5 years he went no contact and he hasn't mentioned anything other than it was what ex gf wanted and hadn't been his decision.

AIBU to think ex gf didn't do this he did, he had a choice and decided to cut us all out of his life at the wishes of ex gf but he still chose to do that and would never have seen us again if he was still in that relationship.
I love him dearly and I'm grateful to have him in our lives again, especially as we didn't expect to see him again but I feel like he's shown me his true colours and I can't unsee them.
Or maybe I should just accept he stood by his relationship and now that's not worked I get to have a son after all.
And if they get back together will we be cast aside again?

Could you have an honest discussion with him and say that you are so happy he is back in your life but it may take a while to get over the hurt?

Coercive control by the girlfriend in this case.

It happens to men, too.

You are very lucky to have got your son back.

Thank goodness he returned to you.

Definitely forgive him.

Hi OP, I’m probably a similar age to your DS and have been on and off in contact with both of my parents throughout my young adult life so far.

In my case, there was a lot of abuse going on during my childhood and into my adult life. I’m still working through it all so when incidents arose in my adult life I went LC or NC, as so many on here and in other places are advised to do. I finally had a form of control over my life so I took it - not saying this was the case for you. I would never do this over something trivial or just because I felt like it, and it’s never been anywhere near as long as for 5 years.

I guess what I’m trying to say is he must have had his reasons, whatever that means for him - not saying they are fair or right but they are his. It’s a big decision and not a switch that you flip on and off.

Also consider the idea that at some point, he might have really wanted to reach out but didn’t know how to - how do you start that conversation without it being a big upheaval for everyone, particularly with the GF knowing? Again, not saying it’s right, but then as other posters have pointed out the GF seems to have been a big influence on this.

If it's simple as you say I wouldn't necessarily call it coercive control.

Did she give him ultimatums or start a lot of stressful arguments he was trying desperately to avoid or did she just say she didn't like you and then he then just chose to cut you out without a second choice.

If he's vulnerable and a people pleaser and desperate to hold onto a girlfriend like you say that doesn't make her guilty of coercive control if all she did was express her opinion. Some people bend over backwards to please their partner even though their partner isn't expecting them to.

I'd really want some answers tbh, I'd forgive of course but I'd want answers more so for the sake of the siblings that he chose to cut out too. I'd also like to know what went on because by the sounds of it he needs therapy either way.

I would assume that either it was coercive control (I’ve been on the receiving end and its awful) or a mental health problem or a problem relating to childhood. All of which should be approached with compassion, I would talk to him about it so he recognise what happened so hopefully can safeguard himself in the future.

I think theres the very rare occasions that kids just don’t care, I think most of us are programmed to want our parents approval on some level so going NC or LC is actually a very hard thing for most people to do.

I'm so pleased that the first reply was such an insightful one from @WhatNextVera I imagine that an awareness of coercive control would shed light on a great many family rifts.

OP I don't have an opinion on what ypu should or shouldn't do other than to say your feelings matter and it's OK to keep contact at a pace you're comfortable with.

Would you consider speaking with a counsellor and potentially joint therapy with your son?

We only live once and our lives centre on family.

Yup- this. I would of course be very very hurt about it but it's my son and I would do anything I could to have a relationship with him. I'd sit down and talk to him about it. If he was in an abusive relationship (and men can be too) then I would want to make sure he was ok and I'd welcome him back.

It takes a while to establish coercive control. This young man blanked his family as soon as he moved in with the gf so I don't believe that coercive control was the reason. I think he is shallow and selfish and is only back in touch with his family because it suits him now.

Yes, I would

I’d say he was in a controlling relationship. No-one cuts off contact with their family unless there’s been major issues within the family, or someone is coercively controlling them.

It always makes me giggle when a poster can make a judgement with such certainty based on a few paragraphs. We all know that people don't cut their families off without reason.

Absolutely, I would welcome him back with open arms. I would never want my son out of my life.

Having been in a controlling relationship myself I know what it's like.

Forgive him but support him to reflect on his behaviour in the form of a discussion about what a healthy relationship is and share how his actions impacted his family.

@LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand
If you know where he lives, could you send a letter?

Since the son hasn't actually done anything criminal then I would have no reason whatsoever to stop contact with him. If this was one of our kids they are always welcome back if there were no underlying issues because love is unconditional

I really, really want to hear the other side of this. The fact that you're considering not forgiving your own son while he was clearly in a controlling relationship or for some reason keen not to be in touch with you, and you're thinking only of the effect on you, suggests to me that there's a lot more going on here.

But yes, of course you should forgive him. He's your child and that relationship isn't transactional.

I think I'd sit down and talk with him. Explain that we really missed him and were hurt to have not seen him for 5 years, and the siblings were really affected by it. I'd ask him, if a future girlfriend asked him to do the same, would he do it again? Because it wouldn't be fair to the rest of us, it would make us feel used when ever he doesn't have a girlfriend. That way he knows that he can't do it again because it affected the whole family. If he does do it again, I'd be civil but keep him at arms length, to stop my heart being broken again.

Everyone advocating for a sit down discussion to explain how OP felt: fine, but OP also needs to be prepared to listen to him and how he felt too. Really listen, not just listen in order to throw it back and tell him why he's wrong.

OP claims not to have the slightest idea why he did this. She could find out.

I think it's possible to forgive a person whilst still being very wary about what they might do in the future. I'd never reject a child in this situation but at least on the inside I wouldn't be able to just pick up the relationship as normal.

It's normal to be hurt by his behaviour and to wish for some closure. I think you should welcome him back into your life practically but when it comes to your feelings I'd take your time OP.

I agree with PP your son could be in an abusive relationship. That doesn't automatically made up for the long NC but you know him best.
Could be different separate things the abuse and him trying to impress, being brainwashed etc. In any case he is an adult and I agree with you. I wouldn't cut contact with my family to please a partner. So I think there is more that just a simple explanation here.

And some women are so desperate for love that they accept unacceptable behaviour and abuse from their boyfriends / husbands.

I usually don’t like the „if this was a woman“ argument. But I wonder if it might make sense in this case. How would you feel, OP, if this was your daughter (niece etc.)?

If your DD was a vulnerable young adult / teen who fell in love with a man who turned out to be abusive? If your daughter was a victim of coercive control and lost contact to you do to an abusive boyfriend / husband?

it sounds to me as if your son is extremely vulnerable. Summing his behaviour up as >>wanting to please his girlfriend because he was unlucky in his youth<< doesn’t seem appropriate to me. There has been a lot of really good advice on this thread and I hope you take it on board.

@allaboardthestation , my childhood and early adulthood were probably quite similar to yours, so firstly I wanted to say that I hope you - like me - have a genuinely happy and contented life now.

I wish the same for PP who have been in controlling relationships too.

For those who haven't been in that situation, you have to understand that the thing with a coercive relationship is that it happens so slowly and quietly at first. Look at how many threads on here are written by women who are enduring the silent treatment, or their partner walked out hours ago and the woman is frantic with worry. She usually asks "What can I do to make this right?" or "What did I do wrong for him to punish me like this?" So although you say that your son did cut contact as soon as they moved in together @mrsxox , this drip, drip, drip of coercion could well have been going on in the background for a while beforehand.

Anyway, to answer your initial question, yes of course I would forgive him. I'd definitely look into some counseling for him, and I'd also have several conversations about what to do if he feels like he's getting into a relationship like that again.

All the best, I hope it works out well for you all.

How old was he when he left ?

This is all true but there is another side to it - those of us who have been accused of being the driving force behind choices our partners made when it had nothing to do with us and everything to do with our partner. Sometimes it's easier to blame the other person.

I can't imagine not letting my child back but I think it is quite fair for OP to have feelings and apprehensions about it. She's been terribly hurt and the son's place in the family, even if only in the eyes of the siblings for who five years is a long time, might need to develop again over time. I think it's important that OP is validated for maybe having her own feelings about it, whatever they are, rather than sweeping everything under the rug.

five years is a long long time
my parents had genuine reason for me to go low contact (my mother tried to break up my marriage and had severe depression / jealously type traits) but i didn’t let the low contact go on for long

your son was cruel to not have a reason other than a girlfriend to not contact you. I don’t think I could heal from that