To wonder if anyone else struggles to know what to do with their child in the house?

[Notreallylookingforadvice]

As the username suggests I’m not exactly looking for advice on this but I really struggle, always have. Ds is now 3 and I don’t know how to play with him at all. Whenever he’s in the house the TV is inevitably on for him.

Toy storage is doing my head in. I’ve looked on Pinterest but can’t seem to apply it to my own house and stuff (if that makes sense.)

Ds has things like - the aforementioned doctors set, a fire engine set with numerous parts and firemen, an ambulance with stretcher and paramedics etc. I’m just giving examples here, there are more. I have tried so hard to keep them all together but he just tips them all out and has this infuriating habit of wandering around downstairs with them so bits are strewn everywhere. It’s almost at the point where hardly any toys are functioning. I don’t mind tidying toys but the effort involved is such a pain.

And I know the above makes me sound really lazy and I’m not, honestly, I just genuinely struggle to combine imaginative and active play with a reasonably orderly environment. I am conscious that a messy house encourages further mess if you follow me.

Why are you letting him scribble on walls and trash his toys though?

Admittedly my DS is only 2 (nearly 3) so it might get harder as he’s older, but my expectation is he gets some toys out of the toy cupboard, plays with them and puts them away again before getting the next thing out.

I remind him and help him tidy up and make sure all the bits of the doctors set go back in the bag, but he has to do it with me before he gets the next toys out. (I don’t do it for him).

Mess is inevitable, the train track will take up the whole living room floor, but then its all packed away before he gets to watch tv or play with something else.

I don’t think ‘letting’ is quite the right word, or is it?

Once it’s done, I can’t reverse time. I can and do remove the crayon and tell him not to do that etc. But if I’m wanting to do more colouring work with him then that doesn’t really solve that problem!

I know what your mean. I found imaginative play with them hellish and interminable at that age - it’s hard because you’re in the house and you can see the things that need to be done! I always preferred getting out of the house too.

Some advice even though it you don’t want it:

Setting them up with some painting can be good, or those “water painting” kite are good for no mess, doing some easy baking together, agree with the Brio railway.

@polkadotpixie

could you get more into teaching him to play various games than imaginative play?

I don't mind playing with cars, trains, dolls or things like play doh, colouring in, I can be a patient gor hours lying in the settee!! Even a lady in a cafe.

BUT as soon as they get to the age of saying NOOOOO say this, do this, I just can't be done with it. I tell them if they just want to 'direct' then they can do that themselves.

i like it once they can learn to play games. The orchard game bus stop is a good one, but card games, dominoes, Yahtzee, & rummikub etc are more my thing for hours of play.

I think the toys you’ve described there are ones that require the input of more than one person - you can’t really enjoy playing with a doctor’s set alone.

I honestly think it's a general problem in our society. With the childcare unaffordable you are left with child entertainment all day. It's a real sad story for the children and the mothers, I take my 3 year old to the trampoline park on the days when he is not in the nursery. 95% are the mothers, very rarely you see a father. I get so fumed when politicians talk about equal opportunities. Fix the childcare first!

This thread is fascinating to me. I was of the generation where as children we had to entertain ourselves and play with our toys. Once I could read (age 4) books were my friend.

Sorry OP this doesn't help you at all but as a grandmother now I also find playing with DGSs boring and hard work!

Throwing sofa cushions off is a mess, though … as are sticker books. I’m not trying to be awkward here, just pointing it out. I suppose the problem is when it’s mess on top of mess on top of mess.

Crikey you sound more like hard work than he does! 😆

It's not easy but I think your instinct to reduce tv is a good one.

Washing up and cooking are things I did with my mum a lot. Mum used to stand me on a chair next to me and got me to help make pastry for jam tarts and pies (or just play with bits of pastry while she did it) or mix and roll out/cut scones. I think at 3 it's not going to last long but its a nice thing to do, them when they want to get down set them to 'tidy' a cupboard by pulling everything out of it and stacking everything in piles, with comments from you.

Singing is another good thing - I don't remember a lot of songs so I bought the Usborne nursery rhyme book and sang through it, plus obviously reading library books every day.

You're not alone. I'm better than my mum was but not as good as my friends. I had to go back to work so the kids went to nursery and a childminder so they did get play time. My house is carnage anyway so it wasn't about the mess. I just struggled to enjoy the playing. I co slept, stayed up when they were sick, calmed them after nightmares, but the play part was hard to do. The telly was on a lot but it led to a lot of story talk which I was good with. I imagined I would play lots with them but it was a struggle. I had to come to terms with how I was and know that my kids feel loved.

The Stabilo Woody crayons are worth spending a bit extra on. They’re actually washable - will sponge off walls. You can also use them as paints.

Rolls of paper instead of sheets (cover a table or lay them out on the floor).

Sack off any toys where the toy is useless when one bit is missing. Mousetrap etc. You can lose one duplo brick or bit of Brio train track and it’s OK.

Take a lot to the charity shop and get one thing. Take it back there next week and get another thing.

Some TV is fine, Kit & Pup, Apple Tree House, Jojo & Grangran, Sarah & Duck on iplayer are all good at actively encouraging curiosity in the world. Or watch a Pixar type movie with popcorn.

I find some play harder than others. I'm never, ever going to be great at pretending to be in a cafe. I have significantly more patience than my DP when it comes to playing very simple board games on repeat. When I feel like a bad parent it's usually because I'm trying to force myself into engaging with something that I really can't be bothered with / isn't my skillset. And I've accepted that the best thing to do when that happens isn't just try harder, but to change the play to something we can both enjoy.

I was going to say in my earlier post that I found that the easiest thing was to let them play with what they wanted - leave out toys and they will gravitate to what they like. I would then just leave those out for a few days so I always had lego, or dolls houses, or cars/garages or farm sets out on the living room floor for a few days at a time.

I've never been bothered by a tidy house!

I don’t understand this - just clean up when you’re done. We sing a tidy up song and put everything away before taking out the next thing or if played with lots of little things I just tidy up when they’re in bed. It literally takes 5 mins! How big is the set or your house if you’re finding stuff for a full week after it’s been played with!

I don’t think it’s good enough to say oh if other people say they find it hard you don’t need to make any more effort! let’s be honest - It’s lazy leaving your child in front of the tv whenever you’re inside because you can’t be bothered cleaning up a few toys. There are worse parents but it’s not good parenting @Notreallylookingforadvice

You are not being awkward - Yes - having the sofa cushions off is a mess but a mess that you clear up in 1 minute as opposed to 30 minutes of cleaning up paint or tiny parts of toys/games that have to be sorted back with each other. Plus it is the sofa so not an extra thing to put away/store so it worked for me as did big cardboard box I could fold up and shove behind the sofa. Kids are massive now and still take the cushions/throws off the sofa to lie on the floor!

It sounds like you have a big thing about mess. I get that completely, I do too, and have definitely found it one of the most challenging things about parenting. Unfortunately it is just a part of having a kid. But you can make it work for you. DD has always tidied up – she knows she has to put something away before we get another thing out. She also helps me clean and tidy the rest of the house, and (at the moment!) that's fun for her. I've forced myself to accept that toys aren't a mess, and providing everything is cleared up before bedtime, it's fine for them to be lying around.

But I do want to spend time with him teaching the alphabet and so on.

Honestly, my 2 year old learnt the alphabet from TV and playing baby games on my phone. I reinforced it by pointing out letters in public or around the house and asking "what's that letter?" but can't take credit for actively teaching him! Same with recognising numbers.

I get what you're saying about toys being messy and becoming useless when all the pieces get lost. I avoid buying things with lots of pieces now and keep jigsaws away in a drawer until I take them out one at a time. My son just loves driving his toy cars around the living room by himself and his toy kitchen is a big hit. He got a leapfrog ice cream truck for Christmas that he plays with every single day, it does have some different pieces but not too bad. He likes riding his balance bike around the house too - he can't really ride properly yet so he's just walking with it between his legs but it keeps him entertained for a bit.

I actually don't mind playing imagery games with him but I have a newborn baby too and it's hard at the moment with breastfeeding and contact naps. I try to just offer verbal encouragement for independent play from my nap trapped spot on the couch. He loves books too, so he'll bring me books one after the other to read and we talk about the pictures.

Honestly if you're getting out doing activities most days then it sounds like you're doing okay. I totally understand that the TV is hard to avoid but maybe set some limits for yourself if you're not happy with the amount he's watching. We try to do no TV before 5:30pm because I find once it goes on that it's easy to leave it on for far too long.

Do remember you don't need to entertain them 24/7.
You could do an hour's play with them, then set them up to play by themselves for a while.
The TV was never off in the 80s and 90s in my home tbh, and they are all successful well rounded adults. It's been demonised by SM but you do what suits your family 😊

I can't abide mess either. Everything we do that could create mess is structured. For example, Play-Doh only happens on the Play-Doh mat. Only three colours can come out at once and no smushing them together. Son knows these rules and plays by them then helps me tidy up when we're done playing.

We have sticker books for him and he knows the rule there is that the stickers go in the book and nowhere else. They're mostly used as entertainment when waiting for food in restaurants though.

I can relate to this. My son is a bit younger - he's 2. When we do play, it is all a bit repetitive - the same puzzles over and over, the same books. I find it a struggle! I put the TV on for him more than I'd like to admit (although I do put on things like animal documentaries for him, rather than overstimulating toons. And we always talk about what we are seeing). I'm relying on the fact that it'll be easier to get out and about in a few months when it's warmer!

Yes, a craft table and a strict rule that all crayons/playdough stay there helps. At three, he should very soon be old enough to understand that and that will really help. A two year old let loose with crafts is obviously a different matter if you don't enjoy your walls daubed in felt tip....but you really are nearly there at the age where they can understand and follow house rules for messy crafts.

Regarding reading, is that something you enjoy doing with him? Because that can last ages and ages as an activity if you like it and (crucially!) have the right books. It's a brilliant replacement for TV. There are some fabulously entertaining preschooler books out there: you don't have to be limited to dull Julia Donaldson, Peppa Pig etc. You can also try audio books to transition away from the TV. And some good singing/nursery rhyme books too.

Toy storage: firstly, chuck out any broken or unloved toys and try not to accumulate toys that don't pull their weight in play value vs storage space! They need a good selection of toys that promote imaginative play but definitely don't need endless plastic tat so don't feel bad about limiting it - I think studies show that too many toys are actually overwhelming for them and counterproductive anyway. We live in a flat, so don't have the upstairs/downstairs issue you do (bedrooms are just across the hall from living room) but if we did and DC was too young to want to play in upstairs bedroom then I would invest in some nice adult looking wooden cupboards and giant storage tubs to be hidden behind them rather than endure living in a toy shop. We have a bit of a compromise: things like medical kits go back in the doctor's bag, jigsaws and board games must have all pieces go away immediately they're finished with to avoid them becoming useless, but all vehicles just go in one huge tub and play figures etc go in another. All crayons, coloring books, stickers etc in another. It's just easier when you can throw everything in at speed! Of course sometimes play figures end up in the vehicle tub or Duplo figures end up in the figures tub instead of the Duplo one etc, but it works pretty well. We have a dedicated "toy box" for all the random little toys that don't have any particular type or home.

One word op ; siblings !!! If that isn’t possible etc my dcs all loved being outside and on the go and I found that so so much easier too , scooting , balance bikes , playgrounds , I’d wrap them up and bring them out whatever the weather and I enjoyed it too although busy managing all three.
At home my kids all loved baths and playing with with water so filling a big basin and putting toys in it . Baking is messy but fun too and great for bonding . My kids all absolutely loved when I put lots of cushions and moved around furniture to make a big den , bringing all the toys in they . Mine were not kids who could play for hours with toys , they were all very physical and preferred to play through moving , all boys if that’s relevant as you mentioned a son. I really stand by the baths, water play and dens as being the most engaging for them and if they are alone invite little friends over .

At that age, my kids loved play doh, duplo, brio, magna tiles and little toy animals and dinosaurs. They also had a fair bit of TV so not trying to shame you at all but if you turn it off he will be forced to entertain himself. Maybe try to swap play dates with nursery friends or something?