To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

[yardandbard]

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

@yardandbard do you have the children living with you 50% of the time? If not, how often do they stay with you? This hugely affects the answer to your question!

What a lovely kind thing for your dh to do for his ex and their dc. I expect their dc really appreciate the holiday & special time away with their dm.
If you can afford to do something that thoughtful, for their dc’s sake, I would continue to. Being kind, is never wasted.

He sounds like a wonderful dad who is going out of his way to ensure a good relationship with his ex & children. Why would you try to sabotage that? My advice would be for you to try to stay out of it.

The OP said in her OP that they have always had the dc 50:50...

To answer some questions

• as I said on the 1st page. It's 50:50. As in DSC live with us 50:50. They always have even before I met DH.
• When DH and his ex split up she was at the end of a university course. She completed it not long after and has been working in the profession since. From what I can gather she is now on quite a chunk more than when she initially started.
• The contribution DH makes ranges year to year and the "budget" appears to just be set by his ex telling him she's going here and she needs X much to make it happen. Even going so far one year as to book disneyland and then coming and asking for £££ from DH. He has no say seemingly in the amount or where she goes. It's not just a case of him paying half of DSCs plane tickets or giving them a bit of spends. He can sometimes be contributing into the thousands and we aren't rich by any means. No it doesn't leave us on the bread line but nor is it completely unmissed spare cash that we just have lying around!

• DH admittedly has always been a bit wet when it comes to his ex. She's very manipulative and likes to guilt him into doing what she wants. When DC were younger she also refused to send them to us for their time here if she didn't get her own way with anything (even things like if she asked us to have DSC on her time but we'd made plans so couldn't, she'd refuse to send them when they were due with us to punish him). She doesn't like being told no and DH has, imo, just been manipulated over the years into being a bit of a yes man when it comes to her and what she asks for in order to stop her kicking off.

• DH earns around £45k a year. I obviously don't know exactly what his ex earns but a Google of her current job suggests it's around 36k now at her current rank. She owns her own house which she bought a few years into her job after she and DH split.

• The partner does live with her now yes.
• They were never married so it doesn't form part of any formal settlement. At the time when they split up she had just completed a course at uni and as he was working he offered. It's just now carried on from there despite her now in her chosen career and seemingly earning good enough money. She says she wouldn't be able to take them to these places if he didn't but how true that is I don't know. I think she just relies on it now so has never bothered to make the effort to save for it herself which is precisely what we have to do year after year.

I don't think I've missed anything.

He needs to wise up and stop trying not to rock the boat.

I think he needs to stop.

She doesn’t pay towards your holidays (with the childre) and he shouldn’t either.

He should help with some spending money - or some new outfits - if he wanted to.

It's amazing how the new partner always calls the old one manipulative, that could be you one day

And I'm not trying to sabotage anything. I think my husband, and by extension, my family is being taken advantage of. I know that he himself wants to stop these payments and has for a while because its a whole stress for him every year too but as I say he's spent years being worried about her reactions that he goes along with things for an easy life. What I want to do is encourage him to do what he already wants to do and stick to it. I'm sure plenty will say he's just saying that to me but I don't believe that's true, being the one who lives with him and speaks with him daily and who has witnessed their dynamic for many years.

She doesn’t pay towards your holidays (with the childre) and he shouldn’t either.

I agree.
If you are having them 50/50 it’s odd that she expects this tbh.

My opinion of her behaviour after years of being with DH is that she's manipulative. Her being an ex doesn't change that. Can exes not be manipulative?

If they have 50:50 how can she stop contact if he says no to things?
Sounds like he needs to go to court and get things official for starters and go through child maintenance so they can arrange what ever is fair. And I would pay the children’s contracts and what ever to cm say.
If court is all sorted then sue can’t stop contact.

The OP is changing her tune. She initially said it's 50:50.

In response to a question as to whether that meant the children stay with her 50% she said her husband pays half of everything they need always has.

She's now saying as I said on the 1st page. It's 50:50. As in DSC live with us 50:50.

The story seems to be shifting based on some of the responses, I see that too.

Now you don't see that happening often do you? !

How on earth have I changed my tune? I said in my very first post it was 50:50. That means they live with us 50% of the time. How posters have read that as them actually only being with us EOW or something is beyond me. It's very obvious that I meant from the start that they live with us 50% of the time, just because that doesn't fit your narrative of an EOW dad barely contributing doesnt mean ive changed my tune?! People asked me to further clarify whether this meant my husband pays for everything 50:50 too which I did in my next post.

Yes I agree - it probably is the case. I know a couple of cases where it’s the woman whose career was protected and who has the big salary, but that is probably rare.

I think OP does need to consider this. It isn’t great if the ex wife can’t afford to take the DC on holiday but Dad gets to take them somewhere nice, or she can just manage a budget break and he takes them to Florida.

A top up to help her take them somewhere nice while they’re kids is a lovely thing for him to do if he can still manage a nice trip for his new family.

Are you the cf previous poster who also gets her ex to pay for her to take her children away? If so it doesn't surprise me you think my story is shifting. Yawn.

@yardandbard a little aggressive there, I wonder why. The yawn as the end, gives some insight too.

To answer you question no, my DC have a feckless father so I pay for most things and send things to him for them too, as well, best interests of the children and all that.

It grates but I don’t give it too much thought.

@Maray1967
It isn’t great if the ex wife can’t afford to take the DC on holiday but Dad gets to take them somewhere nice
Seriously? where does it stop?
Kids don't need two holidays every year to be 'fair' that's life.
Millions don't get a holiday never mind two.

This gives me the shivers. Sounds like my DHs ex. DSC are all adults now thank goodness. The ex was a manipulative 🤬 too. And still is every chance she gets. Didn’t want us at DSC (DH child) wedding, doesn’t want us at any important family events. Thankfully DSC is very close to their dad.
No way should your DH be paying for his exes hols ffs!! fair enough give the DC some spending money but that should be it.

OR the ex could actually be being manipulative. Unbelievable you read that entire, detailed and lengthy post that was delivered in a very factual way, that - if you just look at the factual information - demonstrates the ex is simply being a bit of a dick, yet all you can focus on is one word.

Stop projecting your own shit onto this thread.

Not seeing what you are seeing at all.

Not one fact has changed.

Just a lot of women with a useless ex projecting rage on the OP for having the audacity to question a mad situation.

If the mum can’t afford a holiday: she can’t go. Kids still getting a holiday with dad. Why on earth should he be funding hers? She’s earning, has a new partner that lives with her… bonkers the entitlement of some posters.

If your DH is ready to stop finding the holidays, then he should do so. As PP’s have said, it would be nice if he said that he’ll stop after this year, in case they already have plans.

I’m guessing that his children are possibly pre-teens/teenagers now and they may prefer to have money spent on them in other ways in future.

If she's not already booked the holiday this year and he says hewill stop after this year I run he needs to also stipulate the amount he is willing to give this year....

OP, how old are the children now? What's the risk that she will withhold a visit now?