To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

[yardandbard]

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

I honestly have no time for drip feeds and shifting stores especially when later posters are outraged at earlier posters who had a completely different tale.

However in this case, I do not see that anything has changed. OP said no maintenance as it was 50:50 in the very first post, which we should all know means the kids are with them 50% of the time. Later OP clarified that they also paid 50% of general costs like clothes. This was additional information not a changing story.

There's been no changes to the story, some posters just can't read properly or were projecting.

Based on your updates it seems reasonable for him to have contributed to his children's holidays with their mum in the first instance.
It seems reasonable to review this contribution now she's been able to establish a career for herself.

It does seem reasonable for your DH to stop contributing to their holidays now that his ex has a partner and her own job. Definitley give her some notice of this dont give her any reason to kick off by saying you sprung this on her at the last moment and ruined their plans to go away this year etc. She will have until next year to save for their next holiday which is how it should be.

How looked after the DC when they were young, babies, nursery age. I hazard a guess that ex sacrificed her career and DH advanced her. So I think it's fair enough he keeps on paying. He sounds like a fab dad tbh and very involved.

Maybe step parenthood isn't for you. Do you have children together who go without as a result of this arrangement?

As with all things maintenance related it's always about the kids.

In this circumstance if DH stopped contributing to ex W holiday then you'd all be able to afford an even more special holiday that DHs kids would get to experience. So his kids don't miss out. And that's what's important. If his ex and new partner want to, and are able to afford, an extra hol with them , then that's all gravy for the kids.

So I'd say it's not unreasonable of your DH to stop paying. As it's short notice for this years and ex has new partner I'd say it's reasonable to halve this years contribution and say it will be the last.

That's not true. The he pays half of everything they need always has was in response to whether he paid 50% of their costs as well as having them 50% of the time.

I agree. I'm baffled that some posters are saying the story has changed! I've gone back and checked. I can't decide if they're being obtuse, can't read, are stupid or just being mean.

Is it possible for a woman’s career/earning potential to not be affected by having children? Pregnancy is a lengthy, major, physical commitment with often quite a long recovery period. If you add in breastfeeding or the fact that most mothers tend to shoulder the bulk of child care, night feeds etc it’s even less likely that a woman’s career can have continued on as it was without breaking momentum.

Dear God, how long is that argument supposed to continue for. I got completely fuckrd in my separation settlement, was exactly the person whose career took a back seat etc to the extent that I will always, always be on the back foot. But that is the consequence of some of my own decisions and I certainly don't regret the time with the children. As I said uptrend, I'm the only one who takes my children abroad and my exhusband has never contributed one penny to those trips- nor would I expect him to. 50/50, unless there is a large disparity in salaries means that each party pays 50/50. And takes care of the business of the household, including holidays. The only exception is in very large cost items where some kind of proportionality is justifiable even with a moderate gap (e.g college fees). But these are necessary and once off expenses, not bloody holidays. OP, I could in theory be the embittered and manipulative ex but that in itself is a choice.

He does contribute by taking them on holiday also. If it really came down to it he could pay 50% of the children's cost of going on holiday and not 50% cost of the holiday as a whole. Why should he subsidise his ex and her partner? Why should he even pay for someone else to take them away when he already takes them away himself?

I can’t believe the outrage about a dad is facilitating a holiday with their mother. So what if she has a new partner, my partner still supports his ex in some ways, I don’t have an issue with it at all as his children benefit from having a stable mother. I facilitate things for my children when they are with their dad and that not a hill I think it worth dying on.

Some of the mean and miserliness from some of you is eye watering.

as for the posters who say there are rage fuelled exs projecting, try again, I only see the people not wanting him to gift his previous family a holiday all tied up in knots. Strange mentality.

The worst for me is those begrudging children a holiday stating it’s not a right. Christ on a bike, same logic applies to the current family then.

The worst for me is those begrudging children a holiday stating it’s not a right. Christ on a bike, same logic applies to the current family then.

Not quite sure I j understand your post tbh. OP’s DH takes all the kids on holiday every year. The ex doesn't pay HIM any money towards this. Does that mean SHE begrudges the children a holiday in your eyes?

The statement was it’s not a right, with or without the father/mother/step siblings, and so on. So what if it’s not a right whether it be two or five holidays, is the more important point.

If it makes you happy though, not a right to a holiday with their mother.

I think they can try. But in a situation where they are long separated, each with their own lives and with well estaished shared and equal care of the children, I struggle to see what hold they have using the power of 'manipulation' alone. From what you've said, your Hs ex is being pretty straightforward. She's asking for something, he's giving it. If he's doing so reluctantly, well that's on him, isn't it? He has full agency here, and is either choosing for good reasons as a lovely dad to enable his DC to spend time with their mum, or he's being the wettest of lettuces and paying for holidays he doesn't want to pay for. Either way, only he can change this, so its his behaviour you need to put under the microscope and challenge. Blaming his ex for his behaviour after all these years just gives him an excuse not to change it. Personally I don't think he wants to stop, as if he did, he would.

He takes them on holiday himself.

I agree with this. I am not buying this “DH doesn’t want to pay but the nasty ex makes him” nonsense.

He pays because he wants to. Because he wants to be a great dad, because he would rather upset you than upset ex, whatever.

OP you need to accept that nobody is robbing DH bank account for this money. It’s an absolute choice he is making.

Completely lost now tbf.

@5128gap @WhereverIlaymycatthatsmyhome

Yes and yes

They will always be his children

Therefore surely he will always be paying for something; like university, driving lessons, wedding, first home, holidays, hobbies etc

You have no say in when he can stop paying !

@PuppyMonkey the ‘there is no right to a holiday’ was a singular statement, therefore neither do the latest D.C. nor the OP have a right to a holiday - the OP is moaning their holidays are being curtailed so by that logic she shouldn’t be complaining at all.

Setting aside all the snark, I don't see much of a shifting story.

I think YANBU to ask that this arrangement is reviewed. You and your DH should sit and work out your finances together, how much he is spending and come to some sort of compromise what stays (e.g. phone contracts) and what goes (subsidising holidays). But DH should lead on this with the ex and you stay out of the conversation.

You just have to be prepared for a negative response from the ex and support your DH.

Or, if he's not prepared to review it, separate your finances if you can, so the 'nice' bits he still wants to support for his ex and kids, like holidays come out of his disposable income (if he has any?) and doesn't impact yours.

I read your initial post as having the kids 50:50 but got told I maybe read it wrong. I wonder if the ex is on here! 🙄😉 accusing you of lying when people like me read it as 50:50 is really shady behaviour.
I am a step mum but my kids also have a step mum and I have a step mum. I like to think I’m balanced. I would never ever accept holiday money from my ex. I earn less than him but he’s not a mega earner and I’d not really enjoy the holiday knowing he funded part of it - even if it was for the kids! I am not very keen on the bloke though and like to push him far, far from my mind and life.
£45k isn’t a huge sum of money to earn (although it’s a decent salary). If your DH earned a bomb, I would think it would be a kind to thing to do to pay towards the holiday.
I would suggest he has a fixed sum budget and lets the ex know and she can work around it.

Well that’s how I read it but apparently a few posters read it differently and now they’re adamant the OP has lied / changed her story. 🤨🤨🤨🤨 I read the first post clearly as 50:50 contact - it’s a commonly used term to say “50:50” but it’s a weird way to refer to just money. To me, it was about contact time.

Surely what is meant by that is there is no right to a holiday if you can't afford it. If you can't afford it, you don't have the right to insist someone else funds it for you. We don't have the right to a holiday either, we work hard and save money for it, if we didn't have the money we wouldn't have the right to expect her to pay for it so we could go. I don't believe for a moment that if she wanted to she absolutely couldn't save with her partner, like we do, and go somewhere with the DC. She's not on the poverty line, she's not on minimum wage. She just doesn't bother because she expects DH to pay for it instead now. I agree that's a him problem which is why all along my AIBU has been about speaking to him.

People can believe what they like about his ex and her behaviour over the years. I've been here and I've witnessed it first hand. She is manipulative in my opinion with the way she tries to make DH feel guilty if she doesn't get her own way and yes, he absolutely can be a wet lettuce when it comes to be guilt tripped about the kids. It's always been a problem.

It may be "a lovely and generous thing to do" but it surely isn't necessary anymore (whether it ever was is a matter of opinion) and if he doesn't actually want to do it any longer then it's hardly lovely being made to feel like you have to, to avoid someone kicking off with you.

This if he didn't want to be wouldn't is rubbish, there are plenty of people who do things they don't particularly want to do in order to have an easy life or stop someone creating drama. It doesn't make it right to continue for that reason.

This isn't a maintenance payment or clothes for the DC or help at uni. I don't think paying for your exes holidays when she's in an established career and relationship 7 years on from separating is a standard thing you should just expect when being with a man with children and I don't agree that it's none of my business when it's our family finances it has an affect on. Perhaps we could separate finances completely and then he really would have to stop as he'd only have his own pot to pay for it from!