To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

[yardandbard]

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

Nah unless they wouldn’t go on holiday otherwise he needs to stop.

you pay for taking them on holiday with you.
she (and perhaps her new DP) pays for taking them on holiday with her!

Basically, she's doing him a favour for entertaining/considering the kids like that and should get some renumeration.

Presumably the holiday will be in her 50% of the time so no favour involved. Should he be remunerated for entertaining/considering the 'kids' when he takes them on holiday?

MN is soooooo anti step mum but I’m a step mum who thinks YANBU. If he’s loaded and mum doesn’t have much, helping out for a holiday is a lovely thing to do. However, if it is not financially viable for the whole family, it needs to stop. It’s been over 7 years! The children get a holiday so they’re not missing out, not that having a holiday is an essential.

Utterly ridiculous. Screw keeping the peace and just say no.

Is she on any higher income than before, and has her partner moved in?

Either way he ought to contribute to that family's holidays, and it ought to be 50/50 or close between those two adults. Your DH could chuck them £100 spending money for the kids if he wants to maintain a good will gesture but I do agree with you that it is time to stop. She needs to cut her cloth according to her means and if that means a cheaper holiday, so be it.

And OF COURSE she was going to complain about it, he's taking something away from her - that doesn't mean that the right thing to do is to back down.

It doesn't say that. There's nothing to say the "50:50" means that the children live with their father.

They have joint finances, she’s helping fund her step children (fine - this isn’t a huge issue), the ex and her new partner. It’s ridiculous.

I would feel differently if the ex had the children most of the time and was single and a low earner. Paying for a family holiday for ex and her partner is weird.

How are they getting a free holiday when he pays a contribution? His contribution could be some clothes for the kids and a bit of spending money for all we know.

Are you seriously paying for her new DP to go on holiday as well? Wow. No wonder she doesn't want to stop this little arrangement!

YANBU. You pay for your family holiday with the DSC, she pays for her own. If that means she takes them camping, that's fine. They're not missing out in any way and it's good for kids to have a range of experiences. Unless she's taking your joint DC with her as well as the DSC, there's no need for you to contribute.

I think it depends on whether it means she is going on far nicer holidays than you can afford or if it just literally the difference between her being able to go away somewhere with them or not.

I would feel differently if the ex had the children most of the time

How did you work out the ex doesn't have the children most of the time?

OP said it’s 50:50.

No where does it say he pays for a holiday for ex and her partner!

I don't think she did say they stayed with her 50 % of the time. She was asked but I don't think she answered it. Apologies if I missed it.

Agree. I worded it badly. He contributes to their family holiday though.

OP said “There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.”

The terminology used seems to refer to time spent with each parent. It’s common usage in my world. Maybe I’m wrong. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well clearly not as he just pays a contribution not the whole thing.

What the OP said was

There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50

She hasn't answered if the children stay with their father 50% of the time. It's not clear what she meant by this and she hasn't replied to questions about what she meant.

Yes I know.
It would be more likely the children spend 50:50 with each parent as that’s common usage. OP may have used that term differently though..

Does he pay for the whole holiday? I don’t understand why this would even come about, like whose idea was this? And why would he pay for a whole holiday unless I’v missed something here and he just pays for the children’s part but even still surely that would be half for the children because he pays so much else?

LolaSmiles · Today 19:23

When you say 50/50 is it 50/50 contact or 50/50 on all the costs of raising children?

OP's answer to that

He pays half of everything they need always has.

The ex wife earns less than OP's husband so paying 50/ 50 of everything the children need is neither fair nor generous.

The OP means He pays half of everything they need always has.

As the father is the higher earner that's not even fair, let alone generous.

So your step kids get two holidays a year that your DH pays for and your joint DC's get one holiday paid for by your DH?

If that's the case the ex wife needs to be funding her own holiday for her and the children.

Be prepared for her (the ex) to push back on this though.

Of course it should stop. Mad responses on here. Mum should pay for her own holidays with the children, just as OP's DH should, and does.

The OP hasn’t answered how often he has the children. If he has them EOW and the mum is low earning because she cannot work and afford childcare, then of course this isn’t generous. OP had not expressly said how often the children are with their dad.