To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

[yardandbard]

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

I understand why this started, the ex was a single parent on a low wage.
Now she has a partner as well, if she has a low wage that's on her.

When this started 7 years ago I get the impression that he paid for most of the holiday while the ex paid a small amount, based on the information above.

He already pays 50% of all other costs, it's time to stop the holiday payment.

So obvious reading this who’s a ex of a man who’s a new wife and who’s here to read and support 😂

I’m on the side of putting the children first and they should get to holiday with their mum if it isn’t financially able to happen without his support. Im a single mum and my child’s dad doesn’t pay but he walks rounf in designer and stuff so my kids miss out whilst he looks swaggey😂 I’d love someone who supports me to take them on holiday and if I had that and his new wife tried to stop it I’d be cross but it all depends on if she’s living in a nice house bug garden working her socks off and he’s just giving money or if she needs his help to get to have a holiday and I think you met a keeper who really cares about his kids and you should accept him for that x

I would encourage the generosity. You may find yourself in her shoes one day.

How does it work does he contribute X amount a year for holiday or does she book a holiday and send him on receipt?
Guess he could say money tight from next year I'm going to give X towards kids holiday. A reduced amount that would cover kids portion.

@yardandbard

You say 'the ex is with someone else now' but has her financial picture actually changed? She may 'be with' someone but that doesn't mean they have joint finances OR that this 'someone' is willing to foot the holiday bill for her children. Obvs your DH shouldn't subsidize this new 'someone', but if his ex is in the same financial situation I don't see why the arrangement should stop, although perhaps what he pays should.

Exactly what does he pay for? Is it a percentage of the total holiday (unreasonable if a partner is going) or does he pay a percentage of the children's actual costs (not unreasonable if a partner is going). And are the holidays the ex + kids take comparable to what you all take with the DSC? I think your DH is very nice to want his ex to have holidays with their children. But if they're spending 2 weeks on the French Riviera and you're spending a week camping in Cornwall, then that needs to change. But if you want them to have a week camping in Cornwall so you can spend 2 weeks on the French Riviera, I think that's mean.

The bottom line is though, that it's your DH's decision. I know you have joint finances so if you don't want any of 'your money' subsidizing this, then you'll have to separate finances or he can start a savings account and deposit money from his paycheck to pay for the holidays. Either way though, he'll have to still be able to meet his share of the regular household & family expenses.

The ex should pay for herself, your husband could pay 50% for each child but he doesn’t have to. Holidays away are a luxury, not a necessity. No child has ever died from not going away for a holiday.

YANBU and I say this as an ex wife / single mum. You don't say how much the contribution is but perhaps suggest reducing it on a sliding scale so it's not such a big shock. Say this year he could pay 75% of what he'd normally pay, next year 50%, following year 25%, then 0%. This gives her time to prepare for the shortfall.

I’m coming at it with the same bias as aliceolive. Even with 50:50 custody, a higher earner would be expected to pay maintenance where I live. Depending on the salary disparity, the maintenance could be substantial.

instead this father just pays for a holiday once a year. Seems like a bargain.

The easiest would be if she just claimed child maintenance and put that money aside monthly for holidays. I am sure she is owed something if she on a low income. Even if he’s on £50k a year he should pay her £230/month, that’s nearly £3k per year.

I thought about this and felt that the kids can't technically travel alone.

He should pay for half the kids' costs (flight, food, hotel split etc)

He COULD also pay for the added costs and time that mum is putting in to keep them more entertained on holiday than she might otherwise be doing at home.

But as it is also a holiday for her, she shouldn't be getting it for free... she should at least pay half her way.

Basically, she's doing him a favour for entertaining/considering the kids like that and should get some renumeration.

(My view)

It is commendable he still cares about his ex and his children. Stop being so selfish.

How old are the kids? Are family holidays really so great for the adults?

Might just be me, but I find holidays with kids stressful and hard work. I'd happily pay someone else to take my kids on holiday if I could and give them all the holiday experiences without having to do it myself. It might be that your husband sees it this way - his kids are having a great experience and he's not having to make any effort for it.

@yardandbard your partner sounds very generous but sometimes people like this are played for fools and just can't/havent got the courage to change things. I dated a guy who contributed 1K for child maintenance for one child. He should have paid about 300 but he felt guilty about the breakup (his depression). He and ex get on well but it's blatantly obvious he funds their lifestyle/holidays etc even though now he doesn't earn that much plus lived very frugally. I thought it was mad as I got 350 for two kids!

Anyway, he always said he wanted his child to be happy and that meant giving the mum a lot. Maybe your DH feels this way too. If it affected my own kids, I'd get him to explain to her that you haven't got much yourself now so need to reduce it down.

@yardandbard

How many kids does ex have?
How much is father paying fir holidays?
anything up to £1000 or £2000 a year, is fine.

£5k-£7K a year, only if DP earns enough to support that.

so his earnings and how much he sends each year.

because op is being cagey, i believe it is a sum that is just good for op to have, but doesn't cripple dp financially.

too many useless words and no figures. ex's salary, dp salary- those 2 remain relevant for as long as they share kids unless father wants to be selfish.

Some of the replies here are madness!!

You’re OH pays 50% and more for the children, they never go without by the sounds of things yet some people are still suggesting it’s reasonable for him to contribute towards a holiday for them and his ex. WHAT?!!
Im sorry but a holiday is lovely but it’s not a given right they should be entitled to one - if all their needs are met then it stops there!

When you say he pays 50% of everything they need, do you mean he's paying half their rent, bills, food cost, etc or do you mean he pays half for things like clothes, school stuff etc? Obviously if he is paying half their bills then he should not be paying for her to go on holiday. If he's only paying half of their expenses like clothes etc then he probably should keep paying for the holiday, unless custody is split 50/50? More info and what he's actually paying for is needed here

I'd continue to pay, for a £10 Sun holiday.

I think giving her a year’s notice is fair.

YANBU. There's no need for your DH to pay. It's up to the ex what she choses to do with them when she's looking after them. The DC are getting a holiday with you, if the ex can also afford to do something with them then it's a bonus but not essential.

A good compromise. Suggest you take his DC on holiday this summer.

K37529

From the op

He pays half of everything they need always has. He probably even pays a little more on paper than her as he pays for phone contracts too for both. I don't have a problem with any of that. But I do think 7+ years on is time to start funding your own holidays. I feel like we're essentially sending another family on holiday every year (she has a partner now who goes!). We don't have anyone paying for ours, we work hard and save for it like other people have to. And because of this have to save that bit harder for our own holidays knowing we've got to fork out for hers too.

They also live with their father and the op 50% so yes he is paying 50% of their food, rent, bills etc as well.

No maintainance you say, 50-50 you say, do you mean he has them half the time? If not and he pays no maintainance he should be in jail.

Are they with you 50% of the time?

Assuming that’s true it doesn’t mean maintenance isn’t payable.

Sorry I have just re read all of the op posts, and now I'm not sure they do live with the op and DH half the time.