To say to DH that these payments to his ex should stop now?

[yardandbard]

When me and DH first met he has a set up with his ex (who was single at the time and on a lower wage) where he'd contribute towards her going on holiday every year with their children. There was no maintenance paid as they've always done 50:50 but he used to pay towards her holidays.

We've now been together for nearly 6 years and this is still ongoing. Its not just expected and imo should stop. DH has made suggestions before in the past that it stops but it's always met with complaints and kick offs and to keep the peace he ends up carrying on for another year.

The ex is now with someone else herself and has been for a couple of years, we also have joint DC to think about too, a bigger home than before etc etc.. all meaning spare money isn't as easily found as it was before. Its not that it's not affordable but more that the money could be used for more important things for OUR family and in my opinion she should now be supporting her own holidays with her own job and partner if she wants to go away, I've always thought the arrangement was odd and a bit cheeky but I lived with it at first. Now I just think it's ridiculous.

Aibu to say to DH this really needs to stop now? He'll agree with me as he's wanted to stop for a while but I know she'll likely moan she can't go away with the children otherwise so it's just about getting him to keep saying no despite the fall out.

That's all very well, but it's a bit more nuanced than that, isn't it. Why can't their DM afford to take them away herself? Is it because she isn't saving over the year (like OP and DH have to) or spending the money in a different way? It's not as though she's living in poverty - and she has a new partner. She's happy enough for OP to support her holiday payments and support their own family holidays for her children with DH. Perhaps she should be as happy for her current partner to start supporting their trips away. Additionally, perhaps it is the case that she couldn't afford holidays like Disneyland but we all have to cut our cloth and if she could afford to take them away on a cheaper holiday - where I'm sure they could all make equally lovely memories - then why can't she do that.

If DH was a super high earner and the money wasn't relevant, I'd agree with you that it would be a nice thing to do, but OP has been clear that that isn't the case and that, whilst they can afford it, it's not a drop in the ocean to them. The money could be used in a different way to benefit the creation of their own family memories.

OP, ignore the entitled posters, who think your DH should continue paying towards his ex's family holidays as infinitum. Presumably they also think that his ex should contribute towards your family holiday too. If not, they're simply hypocrites. The payments need to stop, provided everything else you've explained is true about equal residence and sharing of costs for the children elsewhere. Speak to your DH openly and explain that if he is choosing to continue to finance these trips, whilst also maintaining a fair contribution to your own household, that's ofc up to him, but that you won't be supporting them anymore and so intend to separate finances, as it isn't fair that you're paying for something you don't want to. Keep it very calm and factual and follow through.

Just wondering what responses I'd get if I posted this from the opposite perspective:

"I split with my DD's father over 10 years ago and at that time he agreed to pay for me to take DD on regular holidays. Now he's remarried and his wife isn't happy that their family funds my family holidays. AIBU to expect this arrangement to continue regardless of how his wife feels?"

Hmmmm. Would be a resounding "YABU!" And "pay for your own holidays" I imagine 🤔

I think she’s taking the piss. I would be stopping this contribution to holidays. She could be having the holiday she can afford.

So is this the maintenance arrangement or in addition too? You need to tread carefully as if she goes to the state to have calculated contributions it doesn’t calculate your child with him at all so it could end up being he pays much more

I very much doubt it was a "lifetime" agreement. Since DH already is tired of paying for his exes' holiday, he has every right to say "no". It's past time for the ex to GTFU and do her part to raise their children, which includes funding their holidays with her and her new DP and stop sponging off OP's DH and OP.
According to OP, he already pays more than ex for the things they need and fees. Now he is no longer in the position to pay for ex to take their DC on a holiday, as OP has said that if they separate finances, he won't have the money. It certainly is not on the OP to fund some manipulative exes holiday time, nor her DHs, especially when it's been shown the ex takes it to excess (BIG SHOCK).

Its literally in the first paragraph of the OP - there's no maintenance due as it's 50/50 care.

They have 50:50 shared residence. There would be zero maintenance payable on either side. Plus, you're incorrect. If maintenance were payable, her DH would be entitled to a reduction in payments for having another child (whether his own or OP's) in his household.

Because some posters live to pounce on posts, especially about step-mothers and her family. They should be studying reading comprehension instead, but it is what it is.

The amount of assumptions on this post, like so many others, just proves what they say about assumptions, as these posters prove. 😬😵🙄

@Alicesmagicmushroom what nonsense. That might be ok if the DH could afford these contributions without sharing finances with the OP. Since he can't, he either needs to reduce them to a level he can afford independently or stop the payments. There was a pre-existing relationship as well, where all finances were presumably shared between DH and his ex. Should those arrangements all continue following separation? I very much doubt that these holiday contributions were something he envisaged paying forever. OP states that he agreed to help out with them whilst he was earning and ex was at uni - that appears to have been the arrangement. He has continued paying beyond that but it is now impacting OP and she is effectively paying towards these contributions unwillingly. If he wants to continue making them, she needs to separate finances and then he needs to be making a fair contribution to his own household and to his children (as he already is). If he then wants to fund holidays for his children with his ex, that needs to come from his own pot of disposable income - not from OP's.

Perhap suggest she contributes to the holiday you go on with the kids! She is taking the piss!

I agree with this, but the problem OP has is that her DH doesn’t really want to stop the payments.

The only way this can be resolved is by OP separating finances so the financial hit is felt more keenly by her DH.

Obviously at this point she may find he isn’t interested in staying around if she isn’t bankrolling him and his generosity.

If it’s their only holiday I think he should continue actually. Unless she does one year holiday and he does the. Est years holiday. I always think there’s a nastiness to these threads where the op doesn’t want their DH to continue giving money to the mother of his children… you say ot was 50:50, realistically I bet their mother did lots more than your DH and they’re his children

Stop paying for her holidays.

Pay everything else 50/50 relating to the children and have them in your care 50/50.

Absolutely no need to pay towards their holiday with their mom.

If it's "all about the kids" maybe she could chip in for OP's family holiday.

👍🏻😂😂

Yes. The arrangement was in place when you got together. I do not think it is up to you to stop it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, I feel this is a control thing for the ex. I think he should change it so that he continues to pay for their phone contracts and what you said he pays for in the bullet point list you made, then tell the cheeky cow to pay for her own holidays with the kids. Mother of his children or not, he has another family that he has to provide for too and the fact they go on holidays with you two suggests they're aren't missing out on anything. Ex doesn't and shouldn't be calliythe shots anymore. Tell hubs to dry up a bit with the ex and take a stand.

It should stop . But the step mum bashers will be out to say it shouldn’t.

This .

Yep, sure. Once she has separated their finances and DH is making a fair contribution to their household and to his children (as he already is with 50:50 residence and shared costs), he can crack on and use his remaining disposable income to fund his ex's holidays with their children independently of the OP. Funnily enough, I'd imagine he won't be so keen then...

And put a limit on how much this year, so she doesn't abuse it, AGAIN!

The ex has gall, I'll give her that. Also sounds like a manipulative witch who uses access to the children as her weapon to get her way. All too familiar story it seems.

I haven't read all the responses as MN can be a very odd place at times! BUT i've read all your posts and do think the ex wife is being unreasonable. My exH earns a lot more than me, but I'd never in a million years expect him to pay for a holiday for me to take the kids away, even when they were little. He would take them on exotic holidays and I didn't. Camping or a cheapy to Spain - exactly what I could afford. You can't afford it you don't go.

So if your DH does have the kids 50/50 and pays 50/50 for uniform/trips etc etc, then I think it is more than acceptable this payment stops. Yes she will no doubt have a strop about it but its time for it to end.

YABU.

Fact is he had children with someone else. Their agreement was 50/50 financial support + a holiday. This was in place before you and your kids came along. Frankly, their agreement is nothing to do with you.

If your partner (not you) feels the holiday portion of the agreement is becoming a financial burden, then it’s on him to discuss that with the ex. The fair thing to do would be to split the holiday cost in half or to pay for the children’s + mum portion of the holiday. And then the new partner can pay for himself and his kids.

As many people before me have said, the holiday payment is not for the ex and her new partner, it’s so his kids can have a holiday. Reframe it.

edited to add: this is in response to the original post

Would you feel better if he was paying the equivalent money towards there housing costs whilst at their mums?

And just why would he do that?

I READ the thread and read that the ex is now making almost as much as the OP's DH. She can afford to take the children on a holiday, I am sure. She just needs to learn to not be entitled and save like normal people.

Oh, you also saw where he pays extra to cover the children's expenses that are extra for school and stuff. The holiday pay out needs to stop, because the ex is abusing it. (Color me shocked).

As for it being the OP's business, it obviously is because without HER money, her DH could not afford to send her SC on holiday with their mother. Since that is NOT her job, to pay for that, she has the right to request it stop.

Ex needs to pay 50% of ops holiday then doesn’t she ? Make it fair .